Week of April 10, 2007
Umbridge: Now, Potter, I would like you to write out the line ‘I must not wear glasses with no lenses’ for as long as it takes for the message to sink in…
Harry: But, Professor, I can’t.
Umbridge: And why not, Potter?!
Harry: I don’t have any lenses in my glasses, Professor; I can’t see the paper…
Harry: I’m sorry that you missed out on the Cornelius Fudge limited series collector’s plate.
Umbridge: *Sniff* It was supposed to go up in value 25 percent!
Umbridge: Now, let’s see if serving detention with me has taught you anything. Answer my question truthfully, no lies! What is your opinion of the decorations in my office?
Harry: Uhh, my neighbor Mrs. Figg would totally be jealous!
Harry: So… how ’bout them Chudley Cannons?
Umbridge: Harry, look at me when I’m talking to you!
Harry: Shh… this is the episode where Mary breaks up with John – I’ve been waiting forever for this.
Umbridge: What are you talking about? …I thought Mary was with Chris?!
Harry: *Thinking* So… much… pink… melting… soul –!
Umbridge: *THinking* Ha! Little does he know, pink is not soul-melting… but my heat vision is! MWAHAHAHA!
Harry: You have, um, quite a… unique office.
Umbridge: Really? Weren’t your previous teachers a Death Eater, a fraud, a werewolf and an imposter?
Harry: Yeah, but your office is DEFINITELY the most… unique.
Umbridge: ‘Now now, Harry, just because you got a detention for clashing with my room, you don’t have to look so sad!’
Harry: My toad senses are tingling…
Harry: *To Interviewer* In all reality, Umbridge has only made fifth year a real downer altogether. I mean, she’s -
Harry: -standing right behind me, isn’t she…?
Harry: Oh, I see. So I’m guilty until proven innocent?
Umbridge: Not exactly. You’re not allowed to prove yourself innocent, so you’re just automatically guilty.
Since becoming friends with Cruella DeVille, Professor Umbridge has begun making sweaters out of Pygmy Puffs.
–In continuation of GraceCharlotte’s caption last week–
Umbridge: Mr. Potter, do you even know what WTF stands for?
Harry: Uh… Wednesday Thursday Friday?
Umbridge: Harry, dear, what’s wrong?
Harry: Well, Dolores… may I call you Dolores?
Umbridge: No, but we’ll address that later.
Harry: Ah, well, I’m troubled by the fact that you are proving to be yet another adult in my life who abuses power for their own ends. Very disenheartening…
Umbridge: Can’t be helped, dear. Remember what they said in the 60’s – don’t trust anyone over 30.
Harry: How old are you then?
Umbridge: Really do want to write lines, don’t you, Mr. Potter?
Umbridge: How dare you say I’m not perfect! I take umbrage at that!
Harry: You *are* Umbridge!
Umbridge: Quiet, boy!
Umbridge: Seven points from Gryffindor!
Harry: Why not nine?
Umbridge: Because 7-8-9!
Harry: I can’t do this, Professor Umbridge.
Umbridge: Oh, but I’m sure you’ll find that you can. You don’t need ink, ahven’t I already told you?
Harry: No, no, it’s not that… I’m just not sure what to write…
Umbridge: What do you mean by that?
Harry: Am I supposed to write ‘I will not break rules’ or ‘I must not tell lies?’ Warner Bros. hasn’t decided…
Umbridge: Well, that does bring up some issues, now, doesn’t it?
Harry: ‘Ok! I know J.K. Rowling described you as looking like a toad, but did you have to just eat that fly that was buzzing by my ear?!’
Umbridge: Is there something about me you dislike?
Harry: No, Professor, there isn’t ONE thing about you that I DISLIKE.
Umbridge: ‘Well, aren’t you emo today, wearing all of those dark clothes…’
Harry: *Staring at plates on wall*
Umbridge: Ah, yes, my old kittens. I was quite fond of them all until they misbehaved and I had to turn them into plates.
Harry: *Gulps, scoots chair away*
Harry: *Thinking* Hey, at least it’s not life in Azkaban. WAIT, is that an option?!
Umbridge: Mr. Potter, dear, hurry up.
Harry: *Is writing ‘Umbridge is a Great DADA teacher’ 1000 times*
Umbridge: Now, copy that enough times to give every student in the school a copy tomorrow at breakfast.
Harry: But, Professor, I thought you told me not to spread lies!
Harry: Hmm… if the Muggles and the Wizarding world went to war…
Umbridge: *Outraged* What are you doing, Potter?!
Later that Day…
On the back of Harry’s Hand: I will not ponder world issues.