Week of April 17, 2007
Sirius: I like her bangs.
Harry: Yeah, me, too.
Sirius: So, I can’t ride the Hogwarts Express because…
Harry: *Points to sign behind him*
Sirius: *Squinting* ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service’… oh.
Harry: Wow, I can’t believe this is the final Horcrux. Voldemort’s first A paper. He really was full of himself.
Harry: ‘Wow! a permission slip to get a tattoo! Awesome!’
Dan: *Skims over paper and sighs* Gary, we’re being let go…
Gary: What? How come?!
Dan: Well, apparently, we have ‘failed to comply with the studio’s and audience’s expectations of a satisfying and entertaining quality in theatrical performance.’
Gary: How dare they insult us! Who wrote this rubbish?
Dan: The Warner Brothers -
Gary: Cowards! Won’t even use their first names!
Harry: So, this is the original drawing you gave him?
Sirius: Yep. Last time I ever got tattooed by a rat with a missing finger…
Harry: So, you separate the whites from the darks, add detergent, press the red button, then the white button, crank the switch to 20, then…
Sirius: What are you up to, Harry?
Harry: Getting my laundry done.
Sirius: Ah, that’s too complicated for me. that’s why I’ve been wearing the same black robe with nothing underneath it for the past 2 years!
Harry: *Moves away in disgust*
Sirius: well, what does it say?
Harry: *Reading* Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Padfoot, and begs him to keep his abnormally large moustache out of other people’s business. Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and would liek to add that Padfoot’s coat is a monstrosity. Mr. Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever escaped from Azkaban. Mr. Wormtail bids Padfoot good day, and advises him to get a shirt on, the hooligan…
Harry: *Reading* Harry awoke to see a familiar, menacing form looming over his bed, with fingers like spiders, wielding a wand pointed directly at his scar.
Harry: What kind of an epilogue is this?
Harry: I mean, what if I really get expelled?!
Sirius: Aw, you can always come back and stay with me. It feels so much better when someone else besides yourself is scratching behind your ears…
Harry: …but the wolf couldn’t blow down the third little pig’s hosue and the third little pig lived happily ever after. There, NOW will you go to sleep?!
Sirius: C’mon, just one more story! James always read at least three.
Harry: Maybe Hermione’s right, you ARE starting to act like a child.
Sirius: Don’t be ridiculous! Now, I want ‘Little Red Riding Hood’ next, NOT ‘Hansel and Gretel.’ I don’t like those two youngsters…
Sirius: See, Harry, you do look just like your father and you have the knack for getting into trouble.
Harry: -And I have my mother’s eyes?
Sirius: Yes, Harry, but you also have your mother’s ability to manage your money…
Harry: I made the rich list again this year!
Harry: do you realize, Sirius, that we are being exploited?
Sirius: No! How?!
Harry: Well, if you zoom into the top left corner, you can read ‘London Travelcard.’
Sirius: Th-th-th-they’ve been using me for cheap advertising?!
Harry: *Reading from a letter*
It has come to our attention that you are baring your chest at inappropriate moments, such as during heartfelt conversations with your godson. we understand that you are attempting to ‘bring sexy back,’ but you are no longer a young wizard. We’ve all pitched in to buy you new robes in the hopes that you will cover yourself up.
Harry, Hermione, and the Weasley family
Harry: The… big dog… …j-jumped.
Sirius: good. Now let’s move on to the words on the back of the detergent bottle over there. Who knew laundromats had such good reading material?
Harry: And who’s this?
Sirius: Ah, that’s my brother, Regulus. Or RAB as we used to call him. Old Rabbie. He’s dead now, though. He was a follower of Voldemort and – hey, are you paying attention?!
Harry: Er, yeah, of course…
Note: Dear Sirius, Watch out for strange veils. Sincerely, Future Harry.
Sirius: So, Harry, do you really think they meant it when they said no refunds on chest tattoos?
Harry: I think so. This contract looks pretty tough.
Sirius: Darn. You’d be a terrible lawyer, Harry…
Harry: ‘…will be born as the seventh month dies.’
Sirius: Okay, eight letters, third letter o. Read that clue again?
Harry: ‘I’ll have the roast beef and mashed potatoes, how about you, Sirius?’
Harry: ‘Ah – it’s time to renew my restraining order against the towel girl again?!‘
Harry: *Reading* …
Russell Crowe’s Letter: So you see, Harry, you actually got that scar when I threw a phone at you. Sorry for the whole ‘Chosen One’ thing…
Harry: you know, Sirius, I’m still mad at you!
Sirius: oh c’mon, Harry… I’m sorry!
Harry: I know that fashion and beauty take sacrifices, but that does not mean that you can cut off my hair and make a coat out of it!
Harry: So, what you are saying is that if I follow these steps, I can get Paris Hilton to go on a date with me?!
Sirius: Yes, but you must follow the steps exactly or you will end up getting a date with her dog, Tinkerbell, like I did…
Sirius: What does it say?
Harry: It says, ‘Make England beautiful; Give Sirius a haircut.’
Harry: Sirius, don’t sit down!
Sirius: Why not? *Sits down*
Harry: *Points to the back of the chair*
Label: THE DEATH SEAT.
Sirius: Here, this is for you.
Harry: It’s a drawing of a flea…
Sirius: *Snatches paper back* Oops, that’s mine, it’s from Sylvia.
Harry: Who’s Sylvia?
Sirius: My first flea!
Sirius: What is that, Harry?
Harry: It’s a letter for you.
Sirius: what does it say?
Harry: ‘You’re not in prison anymore, for goodness’ sake put a shirt on.’
Sirius: What’s my horoscope for today?
Harry: I don’t think it makes any sense.
Sirius: What does it say?
Harry: Beware of drapery.
Sirius: Total nonsense!
Harry: ‘It seems your neighbor wants you to stop seeing her dog, Sirius…’
*On a low budget and willing to do anything for cash, Warner Brothers gives in to subtle advertising on the set.*
Harry: Gee, Sirius, I sure wish we could go somewhere nice for the holidays…
Sirius: Well, we can, Harry, with my new London Travelcard!
Harry: Hold on, is that the card that is both magically inexpensive and fun to use?
Sirius: It is indeed, my boy, supported by witches and wizards everywhere.
*They both turn and smile at the camera*
-Jools and Tim
Harry: ‘Calling all enemies of the Dark Lord. Got a way you would like to die? Just fill in this form and we will arrange it for you. But be quick or we might kill you some other way before you get the form to us.’ Sirius, I’m not sure this is such a good idea.
Sirius: It’ll be fun! I’m going with ‘death by curtain’ – I’d like to see them try that!
–Inspired by the movie The Truman Show.–
harry: I… I think I’m mixed up in something, Sirius…
Sirius: Like what? I don’ thave time for this, harry.
Harry: *Exasperated sigh* I dunno… like… I was listening to the radio and they were syaing everything I was doing… and, and… I tried to get on an elevator today and there was no backing… and I saw my dad, I think he’s alive. Maybe I’m being set up for something.
Sirius: Harry, we all like to think we’re more important than we really are…
Harry: What are these papers for?
Sirius: Why, these are my chest tattoo permits!
Harry: I’m not sure that these are authentic…
Sirius: What are you reading?
Harry: Some philosophy paper Hermione wrote. It’s kind of interesting. It’s brought up several questions. What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?
Sirius: In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet…
-The Pope and the Anti-Pope
**Now that Harry has finally journeyed through the veil to meet Sirius, his godfather lets him view crucial information he recently discovered**
Harry: I can’t believe that Muggles have been writing about us the whole time!
Sirius: Just keep reading, Harry.
Harry: ‘Chapter 34: An Excellent Ending. It was about that time when harry realized that he was a fictional character made up by an English Muggle. And, knowing he and Voldemort were completely fake all along, his entire world vanished. And that was how Voldemort was defeated.’
Sirius: But we’re still here…
Harry: There must be some catch. This wasn’t a proper ending.
Sirius: What was it that J.K. said in an interview? The last word was…
Harry: No! Don’t say–
END OF BOOK SEVEN.
Harry: ‘So… why are we in a laundry room? And why are you nearly naked? And… why did you just lock the door?’
Sirius: Death Eaters have the Dark Mark on their arms. We in the Order, however, have this! *Opens shirt*
Harry: Oh my gosh!
Sirius: ‘Ey, it’s not that bad! I like the Indian feel it gives.
Harry: The marks are fine, Sirius, it’s just… you’ve got man boobs!
Marauder’s Map: Mr. Prongs would like to inform you that Mr. Padfoot is doing ‘The Move.’
Sirius: James! You had to tell him!
Sirius: *Reading* So you put it like this, and we conclude ‘The Guide to Putting Your Arm Around Another Man Without Looking Gay.’
Sirius: See, for just ?5,000 I could go from an A to a C!
Harry: Sirius, I am not paying for your breast enhancement surgery!
*Harry receives a letter delivering very bad news.*
Sirius: Oh come on, Harry, it’s not that bad. So what if the Dursleys have sold you to Gypsies? Worse things can happen to a fellow, ya know. I mean, my parents once sold me to a band of villagers living out in the middle of a jungle and it was all right. Of course, that was partially because the women all walked around naked. The men did too, of course, which was kind of weird, but look how well I turned out.
Harry: *Looks blankly back at him*
Sirius: …bad example.
Harry: ‘Sirius! Put that man-boob away! You could be identified!’
Sirius: Harry, what’s it say?
Harry: I’m invited to the Hufflepuff common room! You can come, too!
Sirius: Great – I’m already dressed!