Week of April 24, 2007
Filch: How the mo am I supposed to mop up there?
Umbridge: No idea…
Umbridge: Oh my gosh… why is there a giant symbol of a cat floating illuminated in mid-air?
Filch: Umm… good question. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to return this mop to the broom cupboard, where I will absolutely not be changing clothes into a snazzy spandex jumpsuit!
Narrator: With such a clever secret identity as a hopeless Squib, no one ever guessed who ‘Cat Man’ truly was.
Argus Filch: ‘Well, Dolores, I will clean the green sick off of the walls and ceiling. As for the exorcism, well, I don’t do that.’
Umbridge: Merlin’s beard! Is that a student?
Filch: It’s good, but it doesn’t beat the whole ‘bouncing ferret’ incident we had last year…
Filch: ‘I knew it was a bad idea to have everyone’s eye tests at the same time…’
Filch: Right. Off I go, then.
Umbridge: Mr. Filch, you can’t possibly defeat the giant that Hagrid’s brought in with just a mop!
Filch: I’m not looking to defeat it, Professor… Hagrid asked me to brush its teeth.
Random Gryffindor: It’s a bird!
Filch: It’s a plane!
Umbridge: It’s a random Ravenclaw looking in the wrong direction! This calls for a new Educational Decree! *Scurries away to plot inevitable misery*
Girls: Hey, look! Those students are hanging by their toenails!
Filch: Hey! That’s was my idea!
Umbridge: Look at those Weasley twins! Who will stop them?!
Filch: I will, ma’am, with my trusty – mop?! Alright, who’s been messing with my props?!
David Bradley and Imelda Staunton at the scene of a public announcement by a somewhat derranged Daniel Radcliffe, who states that he has obtained tactical nuclear weapons and does not wish to hear any more comments about his haircut.
Umbridge: ‘Potter – PUT DOWN MY KITTENS!’
Umbridge: Mr. Filch, why are those students climbing the walls? Are they… drugged?
Filch: It would appear they are, Professor. Never fear, I’ll bring them down with my Mop of Cold Realism.
Umbridge: Curse Remus Lupin and his… ‘chocolate.’
Umbridge: How DARE they write that about ME on the wall! And with that kind of language!
Filch: Well… you at least have to give them points for creativity.
Umbridge: You’re fired!
Filch: I meant creative in a juvenile sort, of course!
Umbridge: I don’t have to listen to you because you’re fired.
Filch: I’m the last member of the faculty, besides you.
Umbridge: You’re hired!
‘What?! We didn’t make the World’s Best Dressed list this year?!’
Filch: Oh, God, I couldn’t help it. It just… popped into my mind…
Umbridge: What? What just popped in there?
Filch: It’s the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man…
Filch: Those blasted Weasley Twins!
Umbridge: I take umbrage at this!
Harry: *Off-screen* Well, that’s kind of the point, isn’t it?!
Fred: We – hate – your – guts and we cannot lie!
George: Those other wizards can’t deny.
Fred: When you walk in with a toad for a face,
George: And need to leave this place,
Both: You get DUNG! *Throw dungbombs at Filch and Umbridge*
Umbridge: Good Heavens! What’s that sound?
Filch: That be the cry of the Warner Beast. It comes for the children…
Mr. Filch was very annoyed that his idea of furry codpieces was not catching on…
Wall: S U R R E N D E R D O L O R E S
Filch: Surrender Dollars?!
Umbridge: No, you nincompoop, that says ‘Surrender, Dolores!’ *Gasps*
Life at Hogwarts in IM Slang:
Umbridge: Is that -?
Filch: Moaning Myrtle’s flooded the bathroom yet again. Apparently, she’s quite distressed about Harry and Cho Chang sharing a smooch.
Umbridge: I’m not sure which is more horrifying – teenage hormones or this castle’s ghost problem.
Filch: *Sigh* It’s a toss-up.
Most children go through a phase where they won’t go anywhere without a security object. It can be a blanket, toy, book – anything important to the child. Filch has his mop. At least he’s learned to leave the bucket in the office…
Umbridge: S- Sur… surr… Surr…
Filch: …ender… Surrender… Surrender Toadface?
Umbridge: Who on Earth is ‘Toadface’?
Twins: *Duck into corner, whistling nonchalantly*
Umbridge: Mr. Filch! It needs to be brought down, but don’t use magic.
Filch: I was thinking just the same thing, Professor!
Umbridge: Oh my! What is that?!
Umbridge: Over there! Why, it’s a portrait of you… topless!
Filch: Oh, that? It’s just an add for my new clothing line, ‘Abercrombie and Filch.’
A mop covers a multitude of sins…
Filch: It’s a bird!
Umbridge: It’s a plane!
Muggle-born Boy: *In background* It’s Yao Ming from the Houston Rockets!
Filch and Umbridge: *Together* Who?!