Week of June 28, 2007
Harry: Who is that?
Ron: Why, that’s Kreacher!
Harry: What creature?
Ron: That’s right.
Harry: What’s right?
Ron: What are you talking about?
Harry: What are you talking about?
Ron: It is Kreacher!
Harry: I know it’s a creature, dolt! What’s its name?!
Harry: *Thinking* Ron’s lost his marbles…
Ron: *Thinking* Harry’s lost his marbles…
Kreacher: Oh, if poor mistress saw Kreacher with these two baffoons… oh! What will she say…
What would happen if McGonagall and Snape had a kid…
Kreacher: *Muttering to himself* Nasty little hobbitses… they stole it from usss… where’s my preciousss… hobbitses, half-bloods, creatures of filth… they stole the precious, stole it from uss… kill themmm… KILL THEM!
Elizabeth: (From Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End) ‘Commodore Norrington, what has the world done to you?’
The Real Reason JKR Wanted Kreacher in Movie Five:
Kreacher: Filthy mudbloods and blood-traitors, ruining Mistress’ house. What they should be doing is pre-ordering Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, on sale July 21st, 2007 in a bookstore near you!
JKR: That’s it, Kreacher, bring home the bacon!
Kreacher: *Sings to self* ‘I am beautiful, no matter what they say. Words can’t bring me down…’
Harry: *Off-screen* Kreacher, how do you talk without biting your nose?
Kreacher: Kreacher wonders, how that Potter boy got his scar?
Fred: Don’t we all, Kreacher?
George: What are you up to anyway?
Kreacher: Kreacher was wondering what J.K. Rowling has in store for him in Book 7… for Kreacher couldn’t resist highlighting that spoiler!
He’s 3’6”, loves puppies and rabbits, enjoys long walks on the beach, and hopes this is the face you’ll wake up to every morning for the rest of your life…
Kreacher, the inspiration for Extendable Ears.
Harry: *Offscreen* Okay, Kreacher, you can take the mask off now.
Kreacher: Young master, what mask are you speaking of?
Kreacher: *Mumbling* Those filthy Muggles trying to cut Kreacher out of the film. But they need Kreacher. Can’t do it without Kreacher. Kreacher very important in Book 7 they says! Kreacher is –
Harry: What did you say?
Kreacher: *Mumbling* Those filthy Muggles trying to cut Kreacher out of the film. But they need Kreacher –
Hermione: They tried to cut you out of the film?
Kreacher: That’s what Kreacher is saying, yes…
Hermione: To the S.P.E.W. mobile!!! *Her, Ron, Harry, Neville, Ginny, and Luna run to a clown car, hop in, and drive away*
Kreacher: Aw, great filthy Mudblood made Kreacher forget what he does in Book 7. ‘Guess Kreacher will just have to wait until July 21st…
If Voldemort and Lucius Malfoy had a child…
Hermione: Why so calm, Kreacher?
Kreacher: Kreacher has been elected as most eligible bachelor in the ages 235-and-up division in House-Elf Monthly.
Hermione: *Smiles* Wow, Kreacher! Way to go! *walks away*
Kreacher: *Muttering to self* The filthy Mudblood knows nothing of Kreacher’s sexyness!
After being given his freedom, Kreacher began a new career as a third grade teacher in the public school system.
After calling several children ‘filthy blood traitors’ and biting one parent, Kreacher is fired from his job as Santa’s elf at the mall.
—At the Beginning of GoF, in the Riddle House—
Voldemort: Do not lie to Lord Voldemort, Muggle, for he knows… He always knows…
Frank Bryce: *Eyeing wand nervously* For- forgive me, My Lord, I never intended to-
Voldemort: Silence! You shall be punished for this, Muggle…
Frank Bryce: Please, My Lord, I only want to serve you-
Voldemort: *Intrigued* Serve me, you say? How very interesting…
—One Year Later…—
Frank the House-Elf: Do the dishes, mop the floors, scrub the sinks and oil the doors… House-elves are supposed to like all these chores? And I still can’t hear despite having these huge ears! Why wouldn’t he just finish me…
-The Duke of Waltham
Kreacher: ‘Nobilis et gens my tush. There’s the door, get out. Sirius’ mother and I would like to be left alone!’
Kreacher: ‘Filthy Blue-Eyed Boy dirtying my mistress’ house. He should have green eyes.’
Hermione: ‘Ronald! I TOLD you not to feed it after midnight! Honestly!‘
Kreacher: Cake or death?
Tonks: Uh, cake please.
Kreacher: *Grumbles* Very well, here you go. *To Harry* Cake or death?
Harry: Uh, cake for me too, please.
Kreacher: Alright, cake for you too. *To himself* We’re gonna run out of cake at this rate… *To Sirius* You! Cake or death?
Sirius: Uh, death please. NONONO! I mean cake, sorry, cake.
Kreacher: *Very delighted* Aha! You said ‘death’ first, death first!
Sirius: Well, I meant cake!
Kreacher: Oh, alright. You’re gonna die later on anyways…
Kreacher: Kreacher has a question for the great Harry Potter.
Harry: What is it, Kreacher?
Kreacher: Kreacher knows a one-story house that is all black. Black windows, black doors, black roof. Kreacher wants to know – what color are the stairs, Harry Potter?
Harry: That’s easy – black!
Harry: WHAT? *Becomes lost-in-thought about this question.*
Voldemort: AVADA KEDAVRA! *Harry falls over* Well done, Kreacher. Only a fool like Harry Potter could not see that the answer was ‘there are no stairs’!
Scientists realized they had made a mistake when they cross-bred Freddy Kreuger with Jar Jar Binks.