Week of July 9, 2007
Snape: ‘I don’t care what the fan fiction said, I will not have secret lessons with Ms. Granger!’
‘Hmmm… now which potion will turn me into Orlando Bloom…?’
Snape always enjoyed playing with his chemistry sets on Saturday nights, but most people took the wrong impression when he said he was making ‘chemical reactions.’
Snape: ‘What? Me, in a nineteenth century film about the romantic interests of two sisters? Preposterous. Sixty points from Gryffindor.’
‘Who are you, and why are you trying to make my office look inviting?’
‘I’m hoping, Potter, that you will respect me more when I become a major plot point in movie six!’
Snape: ‘Potter! What did I tell you about the awkward teenage moments being found in your mind! Puberty was bad enough once!’
Snape: I could pass for Martha Stewart, couldn’t I?
Dumbledore: Step away from the beakers…
Snape: ‘What do you mean, ”Kappas aren’t more commonly found in Mongolia”?’
*Thinking to self* Did I turn that cauldron off in my office? I think I did… I remember walking towards it, but did I turn it off? Should I send someone to my office to check? If I don’t, what if the fire alarm goes off? All that stuff in there is flammable… I think I’m going to go check…
Snape: ‘My clothes are unusually clean, my office is unusually bright, something isn’t right here.’
‘Good thing I put on SPF 100 today. This room is really too bright and is going to spoil my sexy, pasty complexion!’
Snape: *Thinking* Deathly Hallows… what could that mean? Will Harry kick my butt? Will I die? Am I for Voldemort or Dumbledore, or myself? Shouldn’t I know that?
After carefully reading the editorials on MuggleNet.com, even Severus can’t make up his mind which side he’s on.
Snape: ‘Now, Potter, for your first homework assignment, I want you to go to the directors and ask them how we went from a charming little robe in the first, second and third movie, to a hideous black bodysuit in movies four and five!’
-Genie and Shanti
Snape takes a summer job in Willy Wonka’s factory.
Snape/Alan Rickman: ‘By grabthar’s hammer, by the Sons of Warvan you will sort these many flasks in alphabetical order…’
‘I’m warning you, Flask, one wrong move and you’ll regret the day you were ever put to heat…’
Snape: ‘What do you mean e-harmony has rejected me?’
‘Today I shall teach you how to brew moonshine, bottle viagara and even put a stopper on my slick new hair potion.’
–Inspired by Neil Cicierga’s Potter Puppet Pals—
Snape: What is that mysterious ticking noise…? It’s kind of – catchy… *chanting* Snape, Snape, Severus Snape…
Dumbledore: *Pops up naked* Dumbledore!
Snape: …It was so much funnier when he was a puppet.
Harry: *Off-screen* What’s in the Department of Mysteries… sir?
Snape: And why would you ask such a thing?
Harry: Because it’s a mystery to me that with all your talk of ‘brewing fame’ and ‘bottling glory,’ you can’t brew up some shampoo and foaming face wash, you greasy git… sir.’
Umbridge: So what else can you do besides make potions?
Snape: Erm… I can do this! *Taps bottles with wand and bangs hand off table with foolish grin*
Umbridge: Yes. You’re sacked.
Snape: Tell me, Potter, what I would get if I added powdered asphodel to an infusion of wormwood.
Harry: *Mutters* A slimy greasy murderer who I’ll avenge in Book 7!
Snape: What did you say, Potter?
Harry: I said I’ll tell you on July 21st, 2007!
Snape: Welcome to the Hogwarts pharmacy, what can I get you, Mr. Potter?
Harry: Four Horcruxes, Lord Voldemort and a packet of sherbet lemons, please…
Snape: ‘Class, get ready for poisons – oops, I mean potions class.’ *Thinks to himself* I love picking on first years…!
Snape is using Legilimency on Harry and sees himself being devoured by mutant chickens…
Harry: What?! It’s just my hopes and dreams…
-Nikki and Ashi
Snape: *To mirror* ‘I know what you’re thinkin, punk. You’re thinkin’ does he fire six shots, or only five? To tell you the truth, I forgot myself with all this excitement. But seein’ this is a Gaboon Ebony, the most powerful wand in the world; you could ask ye’self one question: ”Do I feel lucky?” Well, do ya, punk?!’
Snape: Malfoy, Potter, stop that snogging immediately. It’s quite disturbing!
Alan Rickman: I… can’t… BREATHE…
David Yates: Oh, just go along with it…
Snape: ‘That’s right! You get everything you see here – the toadspawn, the pickled hen’s feet, the eye of newt, plus a year’s supply of flobberworm entrails – for only five Galleons. And we’ll even throw in a copy of my book, Intimidating Interior Decorating Made Easy as our free gift to you!’
‘Today, on Ready Steady Cook!’
Unsure about your future? Worried you might die in Book Seven? No need to worry, you need the Potter Patch! Just stick it on your arm and you will find that all apprehension has melted away.
Professor Snape: I was worried about what would happen in the book. I had nightmares about death. Now that I’m on the patch, my dreams consist of pink fluffy bunnies and cotton candy. No more torture chambers for me!
Why wait? Call now and we’ll give you a week’s supply of the Potter Patch FREE! Must be a Harry Potter character to call…
Snape: ‘Now, everyone, please turn in your scores to measure 51, and do try to make it more legato this time! And 1, 2, 3…’
Snape: ‘Do my ears deceive me? It soudned as though you asked me to divulge the secret ingredients of the voluminizing shampoo and conditioner I am brewing, but of course not… the secrets of thick, glossy hair are mine and mine alone!’
Snape: Welcome to Snapebucks espresso! Can I take your order, please?
Dumbledore: One emerald green phosphorescant potion, please.
Snape: *Under breath* If only he knew…
Umbridge: May I have one of those vodkas with a pink umbrella?
Snape: I just read that alcohol can be fattening, I don’t recommend it for you…
Umbridge: Educational Decree Number 64; crude humor and insulting remarks are prohibited from all students and teachers. Violation will result in expulsion from Hogwarts.
Snape: Girl, please.
Snape: You had better watch yourself, Potter… People might suspect you’re, up to something…
Harry: Well maybe I am… *Mutters under breath* I’m killing your master.
Snape: So… you’re telling me that’s it?
Snape: that’s all?
SNape: I don’t even take a side?
Snape: So… you’re going to make me die?
Snape: On the first page…
Snape: By choking on a pickle?!
JKR: Does that bother you?
‘Hmm… now what cologne should I choose today… Ode to The Comode or Chanel No. 5?’
Snape: *Imitating Rachel Ray* ‘So now that you have added the wolfsbane to the chocolate sauce, you’re going to want to let that cool down a little bit before adding the final touch of mint, and then serve to your favorite werewolf!’
Harry: *Off-screen* What is pink, hangs on a wall, and whistles?
Snape: Umm, I don’t know! What?!
Harry: A fish!
Snape: A fish is not pink!
Harry: Ah, but this fish was painted pink.
Snape: A fish does not hang on a wall!
Harry: This fish was hung on a wall!
Snape: A fish does not whistle!
Harry: Alright, so I exaggerated a little!
Snape: ‘Hello. Welcome to cooking with Snape… I’m Snape.’
‘Hello, and welcome to Pick Your Poison, the game show where you drink a potion and hope it doesn’t kill you! I’m your host, Severus Snape. The potion made you sprout boils all over your body? I see no difference…’
‘Welcome to Professor Snape’s Bong Dealership. How may I help you?’
Snape/Alan Rickman: ‘It is WAY too bright in my classroom! Fifty points from the lighting crew!
Snape: ‘Now, for my next piece, I will be performing Bach’s Minuet in G Major on these potion bottles…’
-Lola the Coconut
Snape: …And then, you add the four-leaf clover to the felix felicis potion to make it lucky.
Hermione: What if the clover only had three leaves? Would the potion still be lucky?
Snape: I – I don’t know…
The look on Snape’s face when it crossed his mind that fangirls might think killing Dumbledore is sexy…
Severus Snape. Potions Master. Death Eater. Dancing Queen.
Snape: Potter, Weasley, what do you think you are doing?
Harry: The Brit Boogie!
Snape: I rue the day we got the internet…
Rita Skeeter: Rumors of you and Harry Potter running off to the dungeon together holding hands have been white-hot this week. How does it feel to be the wanton lover of the Boy-Who-Lived?
Snape: *Looking at the photo years later* ‘Ugh! I remember that potion! It was giving off the Odor of the Phoenix!’
–In continuation of Leia and Suzanne’s captions last week–
This is what would happen if Tobias Snape and Eileen Prince had a child… Oh, wait, they did! Sorry, world, pointless caption…
McGonagall: Look, Snape! The test tube!
Snape: what does it mean?
McGonagall: It means I’m going to get the Guinness World Record of ‘Oldest Birth Mother’!
Snape was the only one who was not amused when his new, unfortunately pub-like countertops arrived.
Dumbledore: Good evening, Severus… hmm, what will it be tonight? Ah! I’ll have a large brandy.
McGonagall: A small gillywater, if you please.
Hagrid: Double scotch, on the rocks.
Snape: *Looking curiously at Harry over the counter-top* Harry… what happened? Your scar! It’s gone!
Harry: Yeah *Looks urgently around* Don’t tell anyone, but I used Hermione’s concealer! It works great, though, don’t you think?!
Snape: *To class* ‘Now, all of these potions in front of me can make all of you look good. Except for you, Mr. Weasley.’
Rita: So I understand that Harry is in your class, am I right?
Rita: So when did you first realize that you would be getting the honor of teaching the ‘Boy Who Lived’?
Snape: *Snorting* Wel-
Quick-Quotes Quill: *Already scribbling across the paper* Severus Snape, a professor at Hogwarts, is brimming with excitement as he describes his first encounter with the famous boy wizard. ‘It was such a wonderful delight when I found out I would be teaching the Harry Potter. I couldn’t believe that I would have such an opportunity to finally meet him, let alone teach him. He’s my hero, and most others’ hero as well, I’m sure.’ Professor Snape goes on to describe what a delightful student Harry has been, scoring at the top in every class, leader of his quidditch team, and all-around extraordinary talent. ‘Virtually the genius of our time,’ states the awed professor.
Snape: *Reading the paper, dumbstruck* But, I –
Rita: *Packing up* Well, that concludes our interview, thank you for your time, Severus. Glad to hear you’re so enthusiastic about teaching Harry. Keep up the good work!
Snape: What the f…!
Snape: *Looking at the huge line for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows* ‘I know! I will write my own book! I’ll call it Severus Snape and the Deadly Marshmallows!‘
Snape’s Dating Video.
Snape: ‘I enjoy potion-brewing, Legilimens, and long walks through graveyards. Come keep company with me and I will really show you whether I am good… or evil.’
Snape: *Thinking* Wow, that Umbridge woman has made even me look nice. I have got to take more points from Gryffindor…
-Ally the 0:)
Snape: …And, for you?
Harry: I’d like a raspberry Italian Soda, please.
Snape: That will be 10 Galleons, Potter.
Draco: I’ll have a lime Italian Soda, Professor.
Snape: 5 Sickles, Draco.
Snape: *Pointing with wand* ‘The weather in the North Tower will be 23C with chance of a late shower. Meanwhile, in the West Wing it will be 25C with little cloud cover.’
–Inspired by Potter Puffs—
Hermione: What are you doing, Professor?
Snape: Surely that is abundantly obvious, Miss Granger.
Hermione: May I help? I’ve got my own stirring rod!
Snape: No. Leave me alone.
Hermione: …I love you.
Snape: I love you too. Go away, I’m working.
Hermione: *Walks away*
Snape: …HERMIONE GRANGER, THAT IS NOT APPROPRIATE USAGE OF A STIRRING ROD!
*Someone knocks on the office door*
Snape: Halt! *To himself* o matter what comes through that door, you will deal with it… You are stronger, you are cleverer, you are better than him, he cannot hurt you… Now close your eyes and take some deep breaths… That’s good, that’s very good… Now think of your happy place… Wait, you have no happy place. Whatever, just calm down, make soothing thoughts… Good. Now open your eyes and call him in. *Aloud* Enter!
Harry: *Enters office* Sir, I’ve come for those Occlumency lessons…
-The Duke of Waltham
Snape: What is that! Is it a soul-capturing box?! You’ll never take me, Muggle!
Photographer: Ugg! Don’t look at the camera!
-HP Fan #2