Week of August 12, 2007
Draco: May we dispose of them now, Professor?
Umbridge: We have to make sure they realize their mistakes…
Hermione: Which are…?
Umbridge: Don’t you see your clothes! Horizontal stripes!
Draco: *Smirking* They make anyone look like a cow, Mudblood…
Umbridge: Okay, you may get rid of them now, unless they make their stripes vertical.
Draco: Actually, Professor, diagonal stripes work quite well, also…
Hermione: *Muttering* And he wonders why people think he’s gay..
Hermione: *Thinking* Does anyone seriously think that Crabbe is any match for me? Come on, he’s not even paying attention. I’m insulted!
Crabbe: *to Hermione* You’re dead, Mudblood!
Hermione: *Pleasantly* Actually, you’re dead.
Harry: *Off-screen* Ha! Hermione, look! They’re all big and you’re al tiny!
Malfoy: Silence, Longbottom, or I’ll do such deadly things to that sweater vest…
Neville: You’ll do things to this sweater vest once HELL FREEZES OVER, Malfoy!
Hermione: …You might want to save a line like that for more noble circumstances, Neville…
–Inspired by Joakim’s caption last week–
Malfoy: Give us Spiderpig or they both die.
Homer: But he’s not SpiderPig anymore, he’s Harry Plopper.
Neville: ‘Maybe if we had built a wooden badger…’
Malfoy: ‘Trust me – we would pin them against the wall, but seriously… those curtains…’ *shudders*
Draco: You see that? *Points to Neville* No flab! You see that?! *Pointing at Crabbe* FLAB! I want my money back!
Draco: If anyone moves, I’m going to take Longbottom’s tonsils out with just my wand. And without magic!
Neville: Well, that would be a problem since I had to get them removed when I was ten.
Hermione: Neville, I’m sorry about your tonsils.
Crabbe: Quiet, girl, or I’ll make your hair go… frizzy!
Hermione: *Thinking* I hope Crabbe doesn’t stick his wand in my ear like a Q-Tip…
Crabbe: *Thinking* Maybe I should stick this in Hermione’s ear! That would hurt.
Malfoy: *Thinking* I hope Crabbe sticks his wand in the Mudblood’s ear!
David Yates: ‘Okay, Waylett, make a face like a gorilla. Watson, stare vacantly off into space. Lewis, give me a face as thoug you just pooed in your pants. Felton, act as though you just smelled it. Hold it! And… action!’
Neville: Hermione, if we don’t get out of this alive, I want you to know that I always did love you.
Tom: Welcome to this week’s ‘What Not to Wear’!
Emma: *Thinking* Good grief, if they’d let me pick out my own outfits I’d never have ended up on this show…
Hermione: Should I be worried about Crabbe holding a wand to my neck because he can’t control it, or happy because he doesn’t know how to use it so he can’t hurt me?
Everyone Else: …
Professor Malfoy: This, students, is what we refer to in the Care of Magical Creatures Professors’ Circle as a Spineless Ninny.
Neville: Says the kid who DIDN’T destroy Voldemort’s Horcrux with the Sword of Gryffindor!
Malfoy: Is it just me… or can I see Longbottom’s navel?
Crabbe: Navel? Is that like… a ship?
Umbridge: Kill them all! They’re connected to the Order!
Malfoy: But, they’re just teenagers?
Umbridge: So? You must show no mercy to the Order of the Phoenix! They are a lying… dirty… shrewd… Mudblood… murderous… determined… international criminal conspiracy! They’re obsessed with the subjection of pure-bloods and they have plans for YOU!
Hermione: Can’t even come up with your own propaganda, huh?