Week of September 16, 2007
‘It’s a bird! Or… a plane! Or…’
Hedwig: *SMACK, hits the ground*
McGonagall: There is nothing you could possibly wear that we would want to see less than that!
Umbridge: All my clothes are like this. I suppose you want me to go about nude.
McGonagall: I stand corrected.
Trelawney: She’s giving me the pink slip!
McGonagall: I… certainly couldn’t imagine her using a different color…
Umbridge: And the winners of Dancing with the Stars: Hogwarts Edition are McGonagall and Trelawney!
Umbridge: Filch and Mrs. Norris, you will receive a consolation prize.
Filch: *Whispering to Mrs. Norris off-screen* I hope it’s not that hideous cape…
‘Oh no! Dumbledore’s horrible line about studying is coming up!’
*Everyone cowers in fear and looks angry.*
Umbridge: And just WHO did you text two thousand times in the last month, Sybill?
Trelawney: Idk my bff Minerva?
Filch: *Thinking to himself* Even with a ratio of three women to one man, I still wind up without a date for today’s trip to Hogsmeade!
Older Dorothy (Trelawney): ‘Wow… Oz sure has changed! The road is white brick, and everybody looks different. Look at Glinda, she’s Goth! And look at all the munchkins, they’re all in uniform!’
AngerManagement!Dumbledore: Well, don’t you all have WORK to do?! *Death glare*
Professor Trelawney: *Sobs*
Professor McGonagall: Shh, it’s okay, Sybill… Michael Gambon will be gone by the next movie…
Umbridge: ‘Well, *hem hem* I’ll just send both of you out then. This isn’t Massachusetts…’
Dumbledore: I’m afraid you’re mistaken, miss. Hogwarts is a MAGIC school, not a beauty school.
Umbridge: But really, ‘Hogwarts’? The name itself could use a makeover!
The entire school gathered to watch the 967th Annual Hogwarts Staff Freeze-Tag Tournament.
Umbridge: I AM THE NEW HIGH INQUISITOR!
McGonagall: Sorry, I can’t hear you! Your cardigan is too loud!
Trelawney: Oh, it’s so horrible! I can’t go on…
McGonagall: There, there Sybill. I know, such a horrible fashion faux pas. nobody wears pink anymore.
Filch: Looking good, Dolores!
Umbridge: Why thank you, Argus.
Dumbledore: Although you are given the authority to sack my teachers, you have no right to banish them from the premises.
Umbridge: I have done nothing of the sort. I simply made her watch the entire Brittney Spears VMA performance and she decided to leave of her own accord.
And now, further proof that Filch is actually a mortician:
1) The long trenchcoat
2) The solemn look on his face
3) Trelawney crying in his presence
4) The coffin right behind him
5) No one paying attention to him
6) The death certificate in Umbridge’s hand
Filch: *Thinking to himself* WOW, this would have taken – what? TEN SECONDS, if any of them did it – BUT NO, ‘let’s have the squib carry the luggage…’
Professor McGonagall: ‘Now now, Sybill. The asylum really is a wonderful place!’