Week of September 30, 2007
Fudge: How… how about that one?
Umbridge: No, Fudge, it wouldn’t suit you.
Fudge: Kingsley! I want a hat like yours!
Kingsley: I think the hat you have is quite fine, sir.
Fudge: Hmm… choices, choices…
Umbridge: It’s a bird!
Fudge: It’s a broom!
Kingsley: It’s three teenagers riding on the back of a chained dragon which should technically be in Gringotts right now!
Kingsley: …Dumbledore’s got style.
Phineas: Dude, you just stole my line! NOw I have pretty much no part in this movie at all! I hope you’re happy! I swear, if I wasn’t a portrait…
To the Ministry employees’ dismay, neither yellow, nor pink, nor black, nor purple was the colour of the week, but orange…
Kingsley: *Thinking* Must… not laugh… at my ridiculous… outfit. Must… silently endure… humiliation. Think of… paycheck… and roast beef sandwiches…
Fudge: What if they were to carry it on a line?
Umbridge: What, under the dorsal guiding feathers?
Fudge: Well, why not?
In the background, Kingsley and Dawlish try to stay in character…
Fudge: Aurors! Arrest him! He’ll never escape fro-
Fudge: I stand corrected.
Dawlish: We found a witch, may we burn her?!
Dumbledore: How do you know she is a witch?
Kingsley: Well, she’s dressed like one!
Umbridge: I didn’t dress me like this, the costume designer did!
Kingsley, Dawlish and Fudge: BURN HER ANYWAY!
Minister: He’s back. Voldemort’s back.
Harry: No kidding, Sherlock!
*As the Elder Wand flies through the air*
Fudge: …Ten quid says he doesn’t catch it.
Umbridge: Put me down for 20…
Dumbledore: Hey, Minister, what does DNA stand for?
Fudge: Deoxyribonucleic acid?
Dumbledore: No, the National Dyslexic Association! Hahahaaha!
Fudge: …I don’t get it…
Fudge: ‘My army of heliopaths could beat your army of snotty-nosed school children any day, Dumbledore!’
Umbridge: I told you it was serious, Fudge.
Fudge: Sirius? The one who survived the dementor attack, escaped both Azkaban and a cell in Hogwarts? Where?!
Umbridge: Oh, he’s not here anymore… he was killed by drapery.
Fudge: ‘I do say, Dolores! Those aliens do have quite a craving for your ugly sweaters!’
Dumbledore: *Grabs onto Fawkes and bursts into flame, then vanishes*
Fudge: Goodness gracious great balls of fire!
*What Ministry wizards REALLY do*
Umbridge: Cornelius, the Arbiter and Master Chief are joining forces!
Fudge: I know! I know!
Umbridge: NO, no Cornelius, you’re doing it wrong! Let me control!
Fudge: NO! MY X-box!
Fudge: You’re right, Dolores, the students have gone completely wild! This vandalism is outrageous!
Umbridge: Uh, Minister… that’s a blackboard. You’re supposed to write on it.
Fudge: Oh… right. Well excuse me for not knowing everything!
When Dumbledore accidentally clicks the red button on his desk, a self-operating PowerPoint projects onto the wall and explains how he will destroy the Ministry of Magic with pretty pink ponies.
Optimus Prime: Freedom is the right of all sentient beings.
Umbridge: *Slowly tiptoes to the back door*
–In continuation with Kayla’s caption–
Fudge’s Mum: Cornelius! 1000 texts?! Who could you possibly be talking to that much?!
Fudge: IDK, my BI Dolores.
Fudge’s Mum: You are grounded, young man!
All: *Looking in awe*
Umbridge: It’s only a model…
Fudge: Albus, who in the world did you text 1,000 times?
Albus: IDK my BFF Grindelwald?
Fudge: Dumbledore? You’ve been forming an army to fight against me?
Fudge: Well, then, if you won’t come quietly, I’ll have to take drastic measures. I’m sorry that it has to come to this, Albus. *Takes a deep breath and grasps Dumbledore’s hand* May the best man win.
Everyone else: *Chanting* One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war…
Dawlish: *Thinking* I really need to get these cateracts sorted…
Fudge: You’re absolutely right, Dolores. This place has hardly changed since 1880!
Umbridge: I am telling you, Cornelius, I’m fed up with all this passe Gothic nonsense. A more modern touch is essential. A female touch.
Shacklebolt: But surely Dumbledore won’t agree to have his office redecorated!
Umbridge: Indeed. I will make sure that his opinion will not be necessary… *Shouts* Come in, Miss Edgecombe! *Evil grin*
-The Duke of Waltham
Fudge: Merlin’s beard!
Umbridge: She must be stopped.
Shacklebolt: *Thinking* It’s a shame that only Dark Magic can make Minerva dance on tables dressed like that…
Dumbledore: *Off-screen* Did you know that Ralph Fiennes’ nephew is rumoured to play younger Riddle for HBP?
Fudge: He has a nephew?!
Voldemort: *Looking through Harry’s mind* I have a nephew?!
‘Do you really think we have what it takes to be cast in the Broadway production of Seinfeld?’
Fudge: ‘You know, I have a ”bowler hat,” yet it doesn’t look like a bowling ball OR give me awesome superior bowling abilities!’
Daily Prophet Headline: GLOBAL WARMING IS FUDGE’S FAULT
Fudge: Hmph! They blame everything on me!
‘It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s…’
Fudge: My dignity!
Kingsley: Sooo many kittens…
Umbridge: Shh… don’t tell Arabella…
Dawlish: Wow. That’s definitely not ‘coming quietly’…
Fudge: *Sighs* Dumbledore. Always the drama king.
Kiefer Sutherland: ‘How’d I get here?!’
Lime Green Bowler Hat: £60
Two Hired Bodyguards: £20
The Look on Your Face when Dumbledore Kicks your Butt: Priceless
Kingsley: *Politely* You may not like him, Minister, but you cannot deny, Dumbledore’s got waffles.
Waffles: *Piled upon Dumbledore’s desk w/ syrup and cream*
Fudge: *Flabbergasted* Clearly!
Kingsley: *Politely* You may not like him, Minister, but you cannot deny, Dumbledore’s got muffins.
Muffins: *In a tin on Dumbledore’s desk*
Fudge: Blueberry! That settles it! I’m with Dumbledore on this one!
Dawlish: Yeah, me too.
Kingsley: I concur, Minister.
Umbridge: Oh for Pete’s sake!
Kingsley: *Politely* You may not like him, Minister…
Fudge: *Thinking* Don’t say it…
Kingsley: …But, then again, you are the fictitious epitome of a bumbling leader during wartime.
–From ‘Dedicated Follower of Fashion’ by The Kinks–
They seek him here, they seek him there,
In regent street and leicester square.
Everywhere the carnabetian army marches on,
Each one an dedicated follower of fashion.
Oh yes he is (oh yes he is), oh yes he is (oh yes he is).
His world is built round discoteques and parties.
This pleasure-seeking individual always looks his best
cause hes a dedicated follower of fashion.
Kingsley: Oooh yeah….