Week of October 23, 2007
Umbridge: ‘Yes! I knew there was something out of place here!
Cho: *Thinking* Other than your tacky outfit?
Filch: ‘Sorry ’bout the lads following me, Professor. They’re my only fans…’
Big Mother is watching…
Umbridge: ‘There he is! He has the only Dr. Pepper in 150 miles! GET HIM!’
Malfoy: Shoulder pads, Chang? My mistake, I thought those died in the 80’s…
Umbridge: No one knows fashion, like the Um-Bee knows fashion!
Cho: Er… right.
All: You mean Dumbledore is GAY?!
Luna: I knew it months ago… Daddy printed an article in The Quibbler…
Despite Professor Umbridge’s best efforts and the unwilling addition of Miss Chang from Dumbledore’s Army, this year’s Inquisitorial Squad Christmas card was received just as badly as last year’s.
Umbridge: *Thinking* I still don’t get this piece of modern art!
Dumbledore: Hello, everyone! I’m gay!
Dumbledore: Yes, I’m very happy to see you.
Dumbledore: Though I am rather queer…
Dumbledore: Yes. I’ve been known for being both strange and eccentric.
Dumbledore: I just came out of the closet -
Dumbledore: …where I found my favorite pair of socks!
Malfoy: Look, Potter! I’ve got your girlfriend!
Harry: *Holds up ferret* …and I’ve got yours!
Umbridge: I’m sorry, Dumbledore, a gay headmaster is completely unnaceptable. Usurping your position is now my top priority.
Cho: *Thinking* Oh please, I saw you checking out McGonagall…
Filch: Get him, Professor – he… murdered my cat…
Cho: Oh shut up, Filch! She was petrified, and the mandrakes revived her 3 years ago!
Andrew Lloyd Webber’s new musical about the life of Margaret Thatcher, Margie!, has garnered abysmal reviews. Many point to the finale, PM Broadway as the nadir of his career. The song seems to be an homage to West Side Story but features such disparate characters from other musicals such as Riff Raff of Rocky Horror and the title role from Miss Saigon. Having the Jets being played by members of former boy band Take That only adds to the confusion. Other more reasonable reviewers still prefer this to Starlight Express.
‘We’re coming to take you away, haha! Hehe, hoho…’
Umbridge: Give me the cat, or the girl will suffer…
Dumbledore’s Army: Whiskers gets shaved if you don’t let Cho go!
Umbridge: We’ll see how you like it when I pick out not only her wardrobe, but YOURS as well!
Ron: Harry, I don’t like frilly lace… give her the cat back!
Dolores: Well, Albus, it seems that Miss Chang let something… slip, shall we say?
Albus: *Pushes rainbow slippers under desk* I… I don’t know what you’re talking about…
Draco: YOUR SECRET ARMY, DUMBLEDORE!
Albus: *Sigh of relief* Oh… that…
Harry: Cho! What – how – I – this – I can’t speak!
Umbridge: Looks like your little friend betrayed you!
Harry: No, it’s not that! What did she do to her hair?!
Cho: *Runs off crying*
Ron: Way to go, mate…
Umbridge: Is this the Halloween party?
Harry: Sorry, you guys aren’t invited…
Draco: But we brought Cho.
Harry: Well, I’m not interested.
Umbridge: ‘Everyone be quiet! I must stare distantly and do strange things with my eyebrows.’
Harry: *Opens door*
Umbridge and Co.: Trick or Treat!
Umbridge: ‘Practising unauthorized spells, are we? Don’t you know how much greenhouse gas these spells emit?!’
Cho: ‘Sorry, Harry… but the Dark Side does have cookies!’
Now with Dumbledore out of the closet, others began to come out with some noteworthy confessions…
Draco: I’ve been in love with Cho ever since she dumped Harry…
Umbridge: My coats are made from little puppy-dogs!
Blonde in Background: My hair is dyed.
Brunette in Background: I’m the Dark Lord’s forbidden lovechild with Bellatrix Lestrange.
Filch: Me Mummy never hugged me…
Crabbe: I cried when I watched The Notebook.
Everyone Else: ….o…k….
The album cover for the new Dolores and the Umbridges CD.
Umbridge’s punishments reach a new level of cruelty.
Umbridge: *Using Legilimency* Seamus Finnigan’s favorite color is hot pink, and he has had a mad crush on Professor Sprout ever since she saved him from the Venomous Tentacula in Second Year.
Filch: Wow! Version 2.0!
Crabbe: Finally, we get to decide the winners, even from past captions!
Cho: Man, there is even a bold, italic and underline option!
Umbridge: They have everything!
Malfoy: Ekxsept speel chek…
Umbridge: Now, Miss Chang, I know you’ve hidden those three little kitten’s mittens! Show me where they are at once!
Hermione: Okay, okay, we will show you… where it’s hidden!
Umbridge: Yes, yes!
Hermione: Only – if you ever happen to stumble upon a locket, say, that has a serpentine S on it, that you stab a goblin-made sword that is dipped in basilisk venom into it… okay?