Week of January 6, 2008
Lupin: …And then, I traveled through the five levels of the candy cane forest and over the sea of swirly twirly gum-drops…
Lupin’s dislike of red-heads didn’t go down too well in the Weasley Kitchen.
Harry understood that Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place had some old curses that just couldn’t be removed… but light- and dark-haired segregation at the dinner table? That was just weird.
Ron: I’m starving, will you quit it you gits?
Lupin: No! I won’t give in. A staring contest is the ultimate Auror test and I won’t stop til’ Harry admits I’m a better wizard!
By the time the fourth joke went down like a lead balloon, the entire table was in agreement. Lupin was never seen again…
Lupin: So, Mr. Potter, you would like to join us at our beautiful campus and student community here at Pigbunions University for Wizardry? That’s wonderful, let’s take a look at your transcripts… Hm… you didn’t take a foreign language?
Harry: No, but in my second year at Hogwarts I used Parseltongue to enter the Chamber of Secrets and defeat the Dark Lord…
Lupin: Nor were you involved in any extracurricular clubs of any sort?
Harry: No, but I led a secret student organisation where we trained to fight Voldemort, using these skills to save the prophecy about me at the Dept. of Mysteries…
Lupin: And no community service?
Harry: Well, not precisely… But my actions and heroism indefinitely rid the Wizarding world of the most dangerous and deadly evil wizard of all time…
Lupin: You did apply to some back-up colleges, I hope?
Lupin: Look, go pick up trash at the beach or collect some canned foods… then I may be able to pull some strings…
Lupin: Harry, I need to ask you something.
Everyone: *Complete silence*
Lupin: Would you… pass the butter?
Harry: So… I wonder precisely how the MuggleNet staff judges the Caption Contest entries.
Lupin: *Begins to explain*
Everybody: *Listens intently, intrigued*
Ron: *After Lupin finishes explaining* Huh. I see. So… how do they get the monkeys in the tuba?
Harry: If Voldemort’s building up an army, then I will, too…
Lupin: Well, Harry, we already have with the Order and a-
Harry: Ooo, how a bout Harry’s Army… no, wait, Potter’s Partners…
Harry: …Harry’s Helpers! That’s it! Thanks, Lupin!
Lupin: Okay, stop! I am in love with Nymphadora Tonks!
Sirius: So… how’s that drought, eh?
Why ‘Gossip Girl’ was banned in the Order…
Lupin: …And last night on Gossip Girl, Blair hooked up with Chuck AGAIN, and then Blair got back together with Nate, who she then totally slept with. And Nate is best friends with Chuck. And OMG don’t even get me started on how Blair never officially told Serena who is ‘supposedly’ her best friend. If I slept with my ex boyfriend’s best friend I would totally tell my best friend! Then Serena and Dan got into another fight. But yeah… and now Blair might be pregnant but who’s the father? Does anybody know? Just OH MY GOD!!!
Harry: I KNOW! I mean, I like totally just hate that Blair is like totally so mean!
Lupin: …And then Tonks and I -
Harry: We don’t want to know.
-Grim Old Place
Moody: We need someone who can go undercover… someone who can fade into the woodwork… Someone who can wear spike heels and a sequined evening gown.
Lupin: Why does everyone keep looking at me?
Lupin: …And there was blood everyhwere and you could actually see the kid’s brain.
Harry: I think I’ve just lost my appetite…
Lupin: And that… is what happened.
Harry, Ron and Twins: Whoa…
Kingsley: Oh, not the ‘How I Infiltrated Greyback’s Forces and Spied on the Werewolves at Great Peril to my Life’ story again…
Lupin: Yes, Dumbledore was most helpful about making arrangements for me to attend Hogwarts as a child… I was often called to his office to discuss the security arrangements at the Shrieking Shack… though between you and me, Harry, I thought he got a bit overly friendly after a while. He kept talking about musicals with me… asking if I thought Judy Garland was ‘fabulous’…
Fred, George, Ron: What?
Lupin: Er, nothing… I must have been thinking of, er… someone else.
Harry: Hey, Lupin, why did the Order cross the road?
Lupin: No clue.
Harry: To get the Chinese newspaper!
Ron: I don’t get it.
Harry: Neither do any of us… we get the Daily Prophet!
Orange Juice: Oy! I think there’s a bigger representation of apple juice on this table!
Beer: I’m not apple juice…
Orange Juice: Oh… right, then, never mind!
People at the Table: …
—-In continuation of Lily’s caption last week—-
Arthur: Boys, I thought you were going to that Hannah Montana concert tonight? You said you got tickets?
Ron: Not long after, we discovered that the little girl’s mom had a taser.
Harry: Can’t… move…
Lupin: …Harry, Fudge isn’t in his right mind. It has been warped by fear.
Harry: That’s all great, but it doesn’t answer my question.
Lupin: What ever do you mean?
Harry: I said, ‘Can I have some chocolate, preferably fudge?’
Lupin: And I told you, Fudge isn’t in his right mind. I don’t see what’s wrong.
Lupin: But I don’t see any food!
Ron: You have to believe, Professor. Use your imagination.
Harry: Haven’t you ever seen Hook, Professor?
Lupin: *Flips his spoon of ‘food’ across the table into Harry’s face*
Harry: *Suspiciously* Why are you all sitting on the end of the table, and I’m all alone?
Lupin: *Sighs* We’ve been thinking, Harry…
Ron: We’ve decided you’re out.
Harry: What?! But I’ve been part of the ‘Synchronized Sitting Club’ for years?
Fred: We feel you’ve overdone your welcome.
George: Sorry, mate.
And at that moment, Harry awoke in the middle of the night, screaming from the nightmare…
Lupin: Yes, there was an embarassing instance where, after I turned back from being a werewolf, a girl saw me naked. But, I will not discuss it in mixed company… and, by mixed company, I mean adults and children.
Ron: Ginny, leave!
Ron: Remus, what’s your leather jacket made out of?
Remus: Leather, I believe. From sheep.
Fred: He’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing!
Harry: *Thinking* I wish I was snogging Ginny…
Lupin: *Thinking* I wish I was snogging Tonks…
Kreacher: *Off-screen, thinking* I wish I was snogging my Mistress’ bloomers…
Lupin: …And that’s why you should never date someone with an axe in their car trunk claiming that they’re ‘just a lumberjack…’
Harry: *Thinking* And I thought Sirius’ life was messed up…