Week of February 3, 2008
Umbridge: ‘Whoever gets my hat free of the bird won’t get expelled for a week!’
Dumbledore: Um, Professor, your face is a little funny…
Umbridge: I know, Headmaster, I sneezed when they applied the botox.
Umbridge: …What am I bid for this moulty old bird?
Dumbledore: This is a fine replica of an Eastern Great-horned Owl, Madame!
Umbridge: -I was talking about YOU.
As J.K. Rowling watched Michael Gambon’s Dumbledore gaze longingly at Umbridge’s fuzzy pink hat, she realized it was time to help the headmaster out of the closet.
Dumbledore: Professor… while we all appreciate your desire to rid the Great Hall of flies, please do not eat them right in front of my students… they’ll be sick!
Umbridge: *Singing* Or the laaand of the freee, and home of the braaaaave!
Students and Dumbledore: *Clapping half-heartedly*
Harry: We’re English, Professor…
The next day, a new educational degree is put up…
Decree: No one may contradict the High Inquisitor about her home country.
Harry: This isn’t funny any more.
Albus: Dolores, what are you holding?
Umbridge: Oh, um, nothing.
Dumbledore: *Takes paper from Umbridge’s hand*
Note: Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your coat is pink,
And, um, I love you.
Dumbledore: You kept this?!
Umbridge: …Therefore, progress for the sake of progress must be discouraged.
Dumbledore: That was absolutely dreadful. Why did you even come?
Umbridge: Should I try another speech?
Dumbledore: No, Dolores, it won’t make any difference. You’re just not good enough to be the next ‘DADA Idol.’ It’s a ‘no’ from me. Hagrid?
Hagrid: I wasn’ feelin’ it, dawg.
Trelawney: I’ll have to pass. Love the outfit, though! YAAAAY! *Claps*
Dumbledore: Sorry, it’ sa no. Goodbye…… Other door.
Dumbledore: *Thinking* If she’s about to proclaim that she’s the sugar plum fairy, I am so out of here!
Umbridge: I would like to buy a hamburger.
Krum: *Off-screen* Eye vood laike too bai a damburgar.
Umbridge: No, no, no. ‘I would like to buy a hamburger.’
Krum: Eye voold laike too bai a damburgat.
Umbridge: *Sighs frustratedly* No. I. Would. Like. To. Buy. A. Hamburger.
Krum: Zat’s vot I said! ‘Eye vood laik too bai a damburgar!’
Umbridge: Well it’s wrong! As the Senior Undersecretary to the Minister of Magic, Cornelius Fudge, I command that you say ‘I would like to buy a hamburger’ correctly! SAY IT!
David Yates: Imelda, first, wrong movie. Second, Michael, take the Imperius Curse off of her. You know that she has high blood pressure and that stress is bad for that sort of thing. We can’t afford to have her collapse in the middle of filming.
Dumbledore: *Pouts* Fine.
Umbridge: Hem, hem.
Students: *Start hemming their robes*
Umbridge: Hem, hem!
Students: *Start to hum*
Umbridge: HEM, HEM!!!
Students: *Assemble and begin singing hymns*
Umbridge: Hem, – I mean – ATTENTION!
Dumbledore: I would say ‘bless you,’ but I hate you.
Umbridge: *Thinking* This school is horrible and is run by babboons!
Dumbledore: *Thinking* Her outfit is horrible and was sewn by babboons!
Professor McGonagall: Okay, who opened the Chamber of Secrets this time?
Harry: No, no, Professor, this is just a Muggle picture. That’s why it’s not moving.
Professor McGonagall: Oh, thank goodness! I thought her face was really stuck like that. *Shakes off shiver*
Umbridge: Obligatory ‘Dumbledore is gay’ reference.
Dumbledore: Thank you, Dolores, for those… kind words.
Dumbledore: *Thinking* If I squint hard enough, Umbridge looks like a heap of cotton candy.
Umbridge: Progress for the sake of progress must be prohibited…
Dumbledore: *Thinking* I wonder if she’ll melt if I throw water on her. Hot, boiling, scalding, venomous, poisonous, stale water.
Umbridge: Dumbledore, is there anything in my teeth?
Dumbledore: Of course not! *Whispers under breath* Horse-looking baffoon!
Umbridge: What was that?
Dumbledore: I said, ‘lovely perfume.’
Umbridge: ‘And this, students, is one thing I won’t tolerate! *Puckers lips* It disrupts the learning system!’
Umbridge: Are you seriously laughing at me?
Dumbledore: Are you seriously wearing that hat? *Laughs harder*
Umbridge: Progress for progress’ sake will be…
Weasley Twins: BOO! YOU SUCK!
Umbridge: Why, I never – you two boys are a disgrace! *Turns around* Dumbledore, control your students!
Dumbledore: *Stifles laugh* My apologies…
Umbridge: ‘So, has anyone met my mother, Agatha Trunchbull?’
Dumbledore: ‘Professor, thank you for that interesting talk about facial expressions. You may take your – hey! Interesting locket! Want to play some cards…?’
Sign on the Podium: YOU MUST BE THIS TALL TO BE HEADMASTER.
Umbridge: …It is great, to see your bright, happy faces, smiling at me. Now, I want to see silly faces! I will go first! *Makes odd face* Your turn!
Students: *Blank and miserable faces*
Umbridge: It is now hereby illegal to own anything shaped like the letter Q.
Everyone Else: ?
Ron: Her neck looks like Merlin’s saggy left-
Ron: Close enough…
‘Those caught doing what Dumbledore is currently doing with his hand will be expelled immediately.‘
Eric: ‘Hey! Dumbledore stole my caption-entry-reading face!’
Dumbledore: ‘Bird, attack!’
Umbridge: ‘And so you see, children, the best way to keep a hat on your head, even when tilted at this angle, is simply to staple it to your head as I have done! Of course, this can cause insanity and crankiness, and in rare cases mindless endorsement of political baffoons, but your hats will never fall off again!’
-Kathleen the Underdog
Dumbledore: *Thinking* Oh, to see the knitting pattern for that before I die…
Umbridge: ‘Who wants a little kissy from Auntie Umbridge? Come on now!’