Week of February 17, 2008
McGonagall: Alright, who turned Professor Umbridge into a pile of books?
Kid in Gryffindor: I did, Professor…
McGonagall: Good work, one thousand points to Gryffindor, and an Award for Services to the school.
When Umbridge said she was teaching them everything again, she meant it. The students watched enthralled as Gilderoy Lockhart’s newest book, 123 ABC, came towards them.
*Before July 21, 2007*
Dumbledore: I am presenting you each with a copy of Deathly Hallows, but you have to promise not to read them until the release date.
Harry: *Peeks at the last page of the book* ‘Rocks fall, everybody dies.’ What the hay?!
Minister: Do you, Hermione Jean Granger, take this book, Hogwarts, A History to be your lawful wedded husband?
Hermione: I do.
Ron: *Bursts into tears in the back*
Umbridge: If you stare at these books long enough, they’ll start to fly around the room. They’d better be flying when I get back…
*Students start staring*
Umbridge: *Thinking* That was easy… I’m going to Starbucks.
Umbridge: …And now, class, we open our Ministry-approved books, that our glorious minister Cornelius Fudge picked out…
Neville: Is that – my toad?
Hermione: Whatever it is, it’s got horrible fashion sense…
Umbridge’s mere presence made poor little Professor Flitwick topple off his stack of books, never to be seen again.
Harry: THE BOOKS ARE FLOATING ON THEIR OWN!!!
Hermione: Oh, come on, Harry…
Hermione: You’ve fought mountain trolls, defeated dementors, watched extremely hot guys die, and thwarted You-Know-Who countless times! Floating books shouldn’t scare you.
Book: I am your teacher.
Hermione: Thank goodness – we thought we had the toad!
Educational Decree #50:
Professor Umbridge (The High Inquisitor) hereby has permission to knock students out with books.
Umbridge: Now, I’m going to test your reflexes… CATCH! *Throws book at Seamus who gets knocked in the head and falls off his chair*
Harry: HEY! You can’t do that!
Umbridge: Yes I can, didn’t you read the Decree of the Day?
Harry: No, I didn’t catch that.
Umbridge: Let’s hope you catch this! *Throws book at Harry who is promptly knocked out.*
Harry: So, what do we do with them?
Hermione: We take one, of course!
Seamus: I’m not touching that.
Hermione: They’re just books!
Harry: I don’t know, they’re floating there rather ominously…
Hermione: What do you suggest we do with them?
Harry: We should just keep staring at them.
Hermione: Harry, I hope that when a book series about your life is published, everyone will know you’re afraid of floating books.
Flitwick: *Falls off the pile of books*
Harry: Yep, that’s suicide.
Seamus: No doubt.
All the heads in the classroom turn to Umbridge as the students of Hogwarts learn that the new, grammatically-correct term is, You-Know-Whom.
Boy in the Back: *Thinking* Maybe she will run out of books before she gets to me…
Seamus: Great! Not only did Mum force me to take this class, it’s being taught by a pile of yellow books!
Pile of Books: *Did not hear Seamus’ remark* Good morning, class, I am Professor Bubblegum. Now, if everyone in the class stares at me for over ten seconds, I will turn into a Muggle video game system! Now that’s what I call Muggle Studies!
Class: *Stares eagerly*
Harry: What the… H4RRY P0TT3R 4ND TH3 CH4MB3R 0F CH4TSP34K?
Ron: G0t 2 k33p w1th th3 t1m3s, br0…
Umbridge: Today, class, we are going to read Grimm’s fairy tales because as students that’s as close to danger that you will get!
Hermione: What about Fluffy the three-headed dog from our first year?
Ron: Or the Basilisk in our second year?
Neville: Or the Werewolf… oh, wait, we liked him.
Harry: Why don’t you leave and bring back Professor Lupin?
Rest of the class: Yeah! Bring back Professor Lupin.
Umbridge: Silence, you little monsters…
Umbridge: And here are your education without education books!
Umbridge: Educational Decree #122, no breathing exasperatedly!
As Umbridge passed out the Ministry-Approved book, Fantastic Bearded Men and Where to Find Them, the students were not surprised to see their elderly headmaster in between Santa Claus and the K.F.C. Colonel.
Seamus: Wow, look, flying books!
Harry: Wow, look, a leprechaun!
Everyone Else: *Snigger*
Harry: I’m Shocked…
Hermione: I knew.
Harry: You did?
Hermione: I just didn’t want to hurt your pride…
Harry: I really can’t believe that The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Killing He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named actually exists…