Week of February 24, 2008
Harry: You called me, Professor?
Umbridge: Yes, Mr. Potter. Please sit. I have a need for you at last.
Umbridge: My poor kittens are hungry, and you are the last ingredient I need.
Harry: I — what?
Umbridge: *Innocently* Well, Mr. Potter, have you truly never wondered what Fancy Feast was made of?
White Kitten: *Licks its lips*
Harry discovers that there was one wall in Hogwarts that was not covered in Educational Decrees…
Harry: *Singing* How much is that kitty on the pink plate? I wonder if it is for sale.
Kitty in the Middle: Don’t ever do that again…
Harry: Aww… what cute little kitties!
Umbridge: Yes… my hypno-plates are working as planned…!
Black’n’White Kitten: *Sniggers* Heh, you got DETENTION, Potter!
Harry: Er, excuse me?
Black’n’White Kitten: Yeah, you heard me.
Harry: I wouldn’t be talking if I were you. At least I’m not a painting of a kitten on a pink floral plate…
Harry: *Walking into Umbridge’s office* Look, it’s a cat!
Ron: ‘Cat’ is a very easy word to rhyme with.
Harry: Well… not if you are a brat.
Ron: Wearing a hat.
Harry: Lying on a mat.
Ron: An amadavat democrat chat.
HarrY: Babysat a brat acrobat.
Ron: A fat gnat aristocrat.
Harry: Oh, nice! Where did you come up with that one?
Ron: *Glances at Umbridge* I don’t know, it just came to me…
Harry: Professor Umbridge, your kittens are really… well…
Umbridge: They’re actually the souls of my vanquished foes, captured in the plate and forced to live out all eternity adorning my walls…
Harry: You know, you look incredibly gorgeous today…
After extensive research on the decorations on Umbridge’s walls, Harry came to the conclusion that pink will never be quite as addicting as his own seven-book series.
Harry: ‘P-professor McGonagall? What has she done to you?!’
Kitty on the Plate: *Whispers* Haaaaarrryyy Potttterrrr….
Harry: You think that’s funny?
Kitten: *Sadly* ‘Excuse me, sir. Have you seen our mittens? We can’t find them anywhere!‘
-The Wizard of Aud
Harry: Look! Cats is back on Broadway!
Hermione: This isn’t Broadway, Harry.
Ron: We aren’t even in America!
Harry: But it’s on a broadwalkway. Does that count?
Hermione: *Rolls eyes* Why would there be a broad walkway in here?
*Umbridge waddles in*
Harry: That’s why.
Tour Guide: Welcome to Professor Umbridge’s room, where it’s Cat-urday everyday!
Harry: ‘Ever get the feeling that these plates were once students?’
Harry: *Thinking* Stupid kitten plates. You’d think a demon-teacher like Umbridge would have Medieval torture devices in her office, but nooo. She has cutesy kitten plates…
White Kitten: *With German accent* I vil take over zee vorld von day, and ven I du, zee boy who lived vil have zee pleziere of being my futstul. VWAHAHA!!
Black-and-White Kitten: *Also with German accent*Zen ve vil party, and he vil be zee pinyata. Raise de ruf!!
Umbridge’s newest torture method:
Harry: *Walks into office for detention*
Umbridge: You must stay in my office for two hours. *Leaves office*
Harry: *Thinking* Hey, this isn’t so bad.
Cat Plates: Meow, meow, meow, meow. Meow, meow, meow, meow. Mee-ow, mee-ow, meeee-yow!
Harry: NO! Not the Meo Mix cat food jingle!
Cat Plates: Meow, meow, meow, meow…
Needless to say, the argument between Harry and the kitten soon turned ugly…
Kitten: Well, I’m just saying your logic is a little spotty, if you catch my meaning.
Harry: Yes, your remarks seem a little plated I noticed.
Kitten: Why… are you suggesting that what I’m saying has a blemish to it?
Harry: No, I’m just saying that what you just said was a little dishy is all…
Harry: *Thinking* I wonder what would happen if you poured milk onto the plates…
Harry: *To kittens* ‘If you don’t stop staring at me, I am going to start an Ultimate Frisbee League.’