Week of March 2, 2008
Fezzik: …and that’s how we got into your story.
Wizengamot: You three are charged with being extremely short and annoying, being extremely large and trollish, and having an extremely overused catch phrase. How do you plead?
Vizzini: This is inconceivable!
Inigo: My name is Inigo Montoya –
Wizengamot: -Yes, we know!
Inigo: So THIS is what’s at the top of the Cliffs of Insanity!
Dumbledore: *Wearing a beanie-copter hat* Well of course it’s a loony bin! You do have to be insane to climb the Cliffs of Insanity!
Inigo: ‘The evidence that you killed my father is incontrovertible. Prepare to die.’
The Tale of the Three Brothers: The Movie.
Inigo: My name is Inigo Montoya. You sent my father to Azkaban. Prepare to die.
Inigo: Fezzik, why do they think you’re a wizard?
Fezzik: It all started when I made a blizzard.
Inigo: Did you really make it snow?
Fezzik: I thought it would make a good show.
Inigo: And now you’re being tried for improper use of magic?
Fezzik: A conviction would be truly tragic.
Vizzini: Why do you insist to keep on rhyming?!
Fezzik: It perfects my magical timing.
Vizzini: I knew this would happen if we were in the Catpion Contest.
Fezzik: It had been my lifelong quest.
Vizzini: This is inconceivable!
Fezzik: Anything less would not be believable.
Fudge: *Off-screen and angry* No more rhyming! I mean it!
Fezzik: *Grins* Would anybody like a peanut?
Someone had to tell Vizzini that ‘Never Underestimate House-Elves’ had replaced ‘Never match wits with a Sicilian when death is on the line’ on the list of classic blunders.
Hermione: Okay, Bachelor Number One, if you were to create a perfume for me, what would it smell like?
Vizzini: I would shower you in the finest scent of iocane powder.
Hermione: How lovely! Bachelor Number Two, if you were to write me a love poem, what would it say?
Fezzik: Roses are red. Violets are blue. I have huge arms, to throw rocks at you!
Hermione: Nice. Bachelor Number Three, if you suddenly discovered that my father has six fingers, what would you do?
Inigo: I… would go up to him and say, ‘Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya – can I marry your daughter?’
Hermione: Ooh, LOVE the accent. And, he is NOT left-handed. I choose Number Three!
Vizzini: We have come from the movie ‘The Princess Bride.’
Harry: The Princess Bride?
Ron: ‘The Prince’s Bride’? Snape got married?! Ewwww!!!!
In the Department of Mysteries room with spinning doors…
Fezzik: The doors have moved, which one is the way out?
Vizzini: But it’s so simple. All we have to do is divine of what we know from this room. There are two doors to choose from. Now a clever man would hide the exit behind us, because only a great fool would go to the door right in front of him. I am not a great fool, therefore I can clearly not choose the door in front of me. However, the one who hid the exit must have known I am not a great fool, he would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the door behind me.
Inigo: So you have made your decision?
Vizzini: Not remotely. The Ministry is afraid of criminals breaking into the Department of Mysteries, and criminals are used to not being trusted, as the Ministry distrusts us, so I can clearly not choose the door in front of me. However, in getting to this room we have shown great strength, therefore…
Inigo: *Nudges Fezzik* Or we could just follow the lighted signs that say ‘Exit.’
Harry: ‘OK, Hagrid, Sirius and Wallace Shawn, if I needed your testimony I’d have asked for it. You guys are hurting my case if anything.’
Inigo Montoya: You keep using that caption. I do not think it is as original as you think it is.
A goblin, a half-giant, and a revenge-obsessed Spaniard walk into a courtroom…
Fudge knew that those cardboard cutouts would come back to haunt and humiliate him one day…
Simon Cowell: *Off-stage* I thought it was atrocious. If you sang like that on Muggle Idol, you’d have never made it this far.
Paula: *Off-stage* Well, for once I agree with Simon. You really shouldn’t have kicked Buttercup out of your group. She was the lead singer!
Harry: Yeah, mates, you never get rid of a girl like that. I mean, she had some assets!
Harry: *Not realizing she was there* Singing assets, I meant singing assets!
Fun Movie Fact: Very few people notice that Mandy Patinkin (Inigo Montoya) is actually a cardboard cut-out in this scene, since they, as usual, are distracted by Daniel Radcliffe’s even more rigid performance.
The rejects for roles of Professor Flitwick, Hagrid and Sirius Black.
Ron: *Thinking* OK, you can’t stun a giant. But what if I hit him over the head with the bald guy?
Dumbledore: ‘Welcome to Hogwarts, but your princess is in another castle.’
Inigo: Don’t say it. Just don’t say it.
In other news, the auditions for the part of Rufus Scrimgeour are getting stranger…
*At the Harry Potter auditions*
Fezzik: I will be trying out for Hagrid.
Vizzini: Professor Flitwick.
Inigo: And I shall be… Latin Snape.