Week of May 18, 2008
Indy: *To Salazar* ‘Feeling lucky, punk?’
Indiana Jones and the Already Conquered by Harry Potter Chamber of Secrets.
Indy: ‘I… really… don’t like snakes…’
Indy: Snakes… Why did it have to be snakes…?
Harry: Because it’s not your movie.
Indy: Shut up.
Indy: ‘Okay, Hot-Shot Potter, what’re the magic words for ”Shrink the Giant Snake”?!’
Indy: ‘Now that belongs in a museum.’
Tom Riddle: *Off-screen* So, they sent you down here to save poor Ginny Weasley and kill the Basilisk and to save all those filthy little Muggle-borns, did they?
Indiana Jones: Er, no. Actually, I’m here to fix the sewer pipe…
Indiana Jones, Harry Potter, and Darth Vader compete to see who has the most awesome soundtrack in John Williams’ newest movie: Battle of the Various Symphony Orchestras.
Snakes: *To Indiana Jones Theme* Sss ss sss SSSSS, sss sss sssss, ss ss ss SSSSSSSS ss sss sss sss sss! Sss sss sss sss, sss sss SSSSS–
Indy: ARE YOU MOCKING ME?
Hedwig’s Theme playing
George Lucas: And… action!
Indy: *Rolls eyes*
George Lucas: Indy, what’s the matter? I told you, burn the snake, get the sword for your museum and give the little black book to Harry.
Indy: I know – John Williams is playing the wrong theme. How am I supposed to save valuable artifacts with this wimpy theme?
Indy: Sorry, kid, it’s the truth.
George Lucas: Williams!
Indiana Jones theme plays
Indy: Now, we can start.
Harry: I want my theme back!
Indy: You see, Miss Weasley, this is what you get for confiding in an Internet-predator-like diary.
Ginny: You mean I get to be rescued by Harrison Ford?
Indy: Uh… bad example.
Indy: ‘Great! Giant snakes. And how exactly are we gonna get away on Shia’s motorcycle with a crystal skull THAT big?!’
A few moments earlier…
Harry: ‘Basilisk… Very dangerous. You go first.’
Indy: ‘DANG! I knew there was an ”I” in ”Jehovah”!’
Tom Riddle: *Off-screen* So, you think you can face the monster?
Indiana Jones: Well, maybe not directly in the eyes… or at least that’s what they told me when they sent me down here. What is the monster anyway?
Tom: You’re supposed to know that BEFORE you come down here! It’s a Basilisk, of course…
Indiana Jones: Oh… what’s a Basilisk?
Indy: Well, it’s nothing like a snake is it?
Tom: *Continues creepy laughter*
Indy: ‘Pfft. Just my luck. Different screenwriters, same ol’ snakes…’
*Hedwig’s Theme playing*
Indy: Wrong theme, Mr. Williams!
*Star Wars main theme plays*
Indy: Still wrong!
*Indiana Jones theme plays*
Indy: Much better.
Indy: ‘I hate snakes. I even hate snake statues. All I can say is that this week’s MacGuffin had better be hidden inside that big head!’
Tom Riddle: *Off-screen* ‘So this is what Dumbledore sends as his defender… a whip-wielding ophidiophobe!’
Indy: ‘You know, Belloq, when I told you to ”try your local sewer” in Raiders of the Lost Ark, I didn’t actually mean it!’
Harry: Now, don’t look the Basilisk in the eye.
Indiana Jones: Check.
Harry: If you do get hurt, wait for the flying bird. Its tears have magical powers.
Indiana Jones: Um… okay.
Harry: Wait for the little talking hat. It will bring you a sword.
Indiana Jones: Now that is just ridiculous. *Leaves*
Harry: What did I say?
Statue of Salazar Slytherin: You may only get past if you tell me a good joke.
Indiana Jones: Well then… knock knock.
Statue: Who’s there?
Indy: Interrupting Starfish.
Statue: Interrupting Starfi-
Indy: *Runs up and jumps onto statue’s face*
The Great Speech Bubble Search.
Salazar Slytherin: You know, Indiana, if you take the ‘a’ off the end of your name it makes ‘Indian’!
Indiana: Yeah, well if you take the ‘Slyther’ off of your name you get ‘in’!
Tom: Any last words, Dr. Jones, before my basilisk kills you?
Indy: I like Ike.