Week of June 22, 2008
‘Giants! They’re real! I saw ’em! A whole tribe!’
Hagrid: ‘It’s OK, Harry, I only eat free-range Slytherins!’
Hagrid: …And this is what’s left of the thing that attacked me.
Hermione: *Sobbing* C-Crookshanks?
Hermione: Hagrid, are you holding a spleen?
Hagrid: Yeah. Man, what people will do for Jonas Brothers tickets…
Hagrid: The House-Elves lent me this piece of meat, but don’t worry, I’ll return it in time for dinner.
And so comes the inspiration for Ron’s newest catchphrase: ‘Bloody steak!’
I’m thinkin’ Hagger’s.
Hagrid finally figures out what is underneath Quirrell’s turban.
Hagrid: Well, now Dumbledore is a great man and all, but he never discovered all the uses for Dragon meat.
Trio: So what are they?
Hagrid: Anyway, like I was sayin’ Dragon is the fruit of the sea. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, sautee it. Dey’s uh, Dragon-kabobs, Dragon creole, Dragon gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried. There’s pineapple Dragon, lemon Dragon, coconut Dragon, pepper Dragon, Dragon soup, Dragon stew, Dragon salad, Dragon and potatoes, Dragon burger, Dragon sandwich. That – that’s about it.
Hermione: *Reading the Daily Prophet* I can’t believe that there’s been another death! This is getting out of hand!
Hagrid: Oh… right. That’s a shame about that bloke, isn’t it. Well, I’ve gotta go feed Grawpy – he’s been hungrier lately.
Harry Potter Fan: *Whispering in the ear of the person who sat next to them at the cinema* In the book, the dragon meat was meant to drip green blood, but here it obviously doesn’t… well, I suppose they might have used the information in Half-Blood Prince when Slughorn uses it on the wall, because it is described as red there, but really they should have had it dripping green blood to make it more correct. Hey, also…
Guy Who Sat Next to Him: SHUT UP! NO-ONE CARES!!!!
Harry Potter Fan: *Mumbling to self* Hmph, bet Emerson cares… He wouldn’t treat me like this…
Harry: Hagrid, when I said that I’d love to see Professor Umbridge chopped up into little pieces and fed to the Blast-Ended Skrewts, I wasn’t actually being serious.
Hagrid: *Looks at the meat in his hand. Looks back up at Harry* …Oh.
Harry: Hagrid, what did you do to your face?
Hagrid: I saw the new Indiana Jones movie and thought that the whip looked easy to handle…
Hagrid: Hey, you three, guess what this meat is.
Hermione: Please don’t make us do that.
Hagrid: ‘…So yeh see, after Olympe had ‘er cardiologist take a look a’ me, we’ve decided that I should sto’ eatin’ all this red meat!’
Dan Radcliffe: Gosh, Robbie! Look at what they did! You’re supposed to have a whole bunch of cuts and bruises, a black eye, and a gash across the bridge of your nose! *Laughs* Oh, man, they can’t even get your character right! Stinks to be you!
Robbie Coltrane: … *cough*blueeyes*cough*
Dan: SHUT UP!
Life after Deathly Hallows…
Hagrid: ‘Welcome to the Blast-Ended Skrewt. May I take your order?’
Hagrid: ‘You should see the other guy!’
Ron: *When Hagrid isn’t looking* Handkerchiefius meatus!
Hagrid: *Looking down* That’s odd…
Harry, Ron and Hermione: *Snicker*
Hagrid: They’re not that hard to find, they’re so big, see… –
Ron: -Yes! High score!!!
Harry: …Ron? Were you even listening?
Ron: Sorry, did you say something?
Hagrid: So I told him, I says, ‘so what if I’m shorter than you I’m still a Giant and a better one than you, I get to see The Boy who Lived and he so happens to be my friend. And I am also liked among many, which in your case…’ ….And that’s how I got my black eye.
Hermione: Oh, Hagrid.
Ron: Um, Hagrid, why do you have a slightly green steak in your hands?
Hagrid: Well, you STOLE my Edward Cullen cookies so I had to resort to Edward Cullen steak.
Harry: Um… can I have some?
‘Rubeus Hagrid. Keeper of keys, grounds and steaks at Hogwarts…’
Harry: Huh, wha?
Hagrid: Stop looking at the meat in my hand and listen to me!
Harry: *Whining* Me hungry!
Hagrid: Fine! *Throws meat onto the floor*
Harry: *Fights with Fang over the meat on the floor.*
Hermione: Hagrid, what’s the steak for?
Hagrid: Got to clean up and stop the swelling in time for Snape’s tango lessons.
It was at that moment that Hagrid discovered what happened what Diet Coke and Mentos did when combined. He would never again laugh at Muggle magic.
-Potter is Hotter
Hagrid: *Singing, with meat in hand* If only they’d look closer, would they see a poor boy? No siree…
Ron: Blimey, Hagrid!
Hermione: What Ronald means is… you’re not quite the Aladdin type…
Hagrid: So… yer sayin’ I shouldn’ try out for the Hogwarts Players’ auditions?
Harry: Yes, Hagrid. That’s what we’re saying… Er…
Hermione: What Harry means is… you could certainly be better utilized… in other departments!
Hagrid: Oh. *Awkward silence* Well.. yeh gotta eat ter live, gotta steal ter eat, you know…
Trio: *Big Sigh*
Hagrid: *Takes a bite of the steak*