Week of July 6, 2008
Slughorn: ‘Alright, kids, now I’m going to explain why all Potions teachers have a thing for Harry’s mom.’
Hermione: ‘And this potion is Cabela Sparisca. It is brewed specifically for removing facial hair, and is especially effective on — on large, moustaches…’
Slughorn: Class, today we will be learning about the De-Angsting Potion. I have a cauldronful with me right here and am going to show you the effects of this potion, when properly brewed. But first, I will need a volunteer.
Class: *Pushes Harry forward*
Slughorn: ‘Tell me, Miss Granger. If I were a big cushy chair… would you… um… sit on me?’
Slughorn: I’m sorry, Ms. Granger, but I have been selected to be valedictorian. However, as you came in a close second, you get to clean out all the cauldrons in the potions classroom.
Students: *Back away*
Hermione: I… what? …second…
That day, Hermione was amazed to discover that when Professor Slughorn was saying ‘As you wish,’ what he meant was ‘I love you.’ And even more amazing was the day she realized she truly loved him back.
Slughorn: ‘Why, yes, Ms. Granger, it was I who taught Professor Snape how to tango!’
Hermione: Professor Slughorn, is that a book on your head?
Slughorn: ‘Is that a book on your head?‘ Of course not, silly girl. *Reaches up* It’s a ha- Bloody hell, it’s a book on my head!
-Jess the Pickleator
Slughorn: ‘Yes, I remember my high school graduation.’
Slughorn: Drink it.
Hermione: But, sir…
Slughorn: DRINK IT!!!!
Hermione: ‘Professor Slughorn, I’m glad that you think my potion is ‘just right,’ but I don’t understand why you called it ‘porridge‘ and I don’t think it’s appropriate to call you ‘Papa Bear.’
Hermione: No, seriously, are you kidding me? It can’t be the most important ingredient of Felix Felicis!
Slughorn: *Sigh* You have so much to learn about expired gorilla milk, Miss Granger…
After Dean Stanford resigned because of an argument regarding Indiana Jones, he later mailed this photo to his former peers:
‘To the university. Am now part of freaking Harry Potter fandom. Owned. Sincerely, Dean Stanford/Slughorn.’
Hermione: Sir, can you explain why Warner Bros. hasn’t given the poor Muggles a Half-Blood Prince teaser trailer yet?
Professor Slughorn: No, I’m sorry, dear, I cannot explain that.
Class: *Glares at WB*
Professor Slughorn: ‘Sorry about that, kids, I just sneezed and my Famous Moustache fell out into the Polyjuice Potion…’
Slughorn: I would like to take this opportunity, while I am dressed in my Hogwarts cap and gown, to wish a happy graduation to any MuggleNet users who may have finished school!
Slughorn: Alright, back to work now!
Professor Slughorn and his potions class watch incredulously as Hermione Granger struggles to ‘Make the Music Connection’ between Amortentia and Celestina Warbeck’s ‘A Cauldron Full of Hot, Strong Love.’
Hermione: Aren’t you supposed to be really fat?
Slughorn: The book was set in 1996; in 2008, there’s Wii Fit and I can lose weight every day!
Hermione: *Skeptically* In there?
Slughorn: *Gleefully* Yes.
Hermione: *More skeptically* In that tiny little cauldron?
Slughorn: *More gleefully* That’s right.
Hermione: *Even more skeptically* You’re trying to tell me that if we hop into that tiny pot, we’ll understand how Half-Blood Prince resembles Trainspotting?
Slughorn: *Even more gleefully* Just ask the crew – they’ve seen for themselves!
Hermione: *To the class* Yup, he’s gone bonkers…
Slughorn: That’s right, Miss Granger! Asphodel and Wormwood form the Draught of the Living Dead. Anything you would like to add?
Hermione: A bezoar is a stone taken from the stomach of a goat. Monkshood and wolfbane are the same plant.
Slughorn: Correct! Five points to Gryffindor!
Hermione: *Thinking* I’ve always wanted to get points for knowing that!
Hermione: Sir, do you want to look at mine?
Slughorn: Yes. *Walks over* Hmm… next time, put in more cream.
Ron: *Whispers* I still don’t get why we have to make his morning coffee…
Hermione: Professor, why do you always call on me, Harry, Neville or Ron?
Slughorn: Well, why would I call on anyone el- Oh my gosh! There are other students here?!
Neville: *Thinking* I’m surrounded by girls and love potions. AWESOME!!!
Stephanie: Now, who can tell me when the trailer for Half-Blood Prince is coming out?
Hermione: Well, I think it’s coming out with The Mummy 3.
Neville: No, it’s going to come out with the new Star Wars movie.
Lavendar: I think it’ll come out with Twilight!
Hermione: …That comes out after Half-Blood Prince.
At just that moment, Hermione realized that this was not NEWT Potions but rather a fondue club.
Slughorn: Now, class, before we get started, I must tell you that there have been a few changes here at Hogwarts.
Neville: Changes, sir?
Slughorn: That’s right. Due to rising operational and administrative costs (not to mention the price of educational supplies), from now on each lesson will have its own commercial sponsor. I am pleased to announce that today’s lesson is brought to you by Polassa Carbonate Classroom Chemistry Supply Co., and I must say they did an excellent job on the banner. Our sponsor has generously provided all the ingredients we will be using in today’s lesson, ‘Carbon-based Chemical Compounds,’ so please take out your books and turn to page 47.
Hermione: Excuse me, Professor? I just can’t believe it! A noble institution like Hogwarts selling out to the highest bidder? Are you aware that these Polassa Carbonate products are the result of the forced labor of over two thousand House-Elves made to spend their lives in the dank dark drudgery of mining? It is abuse most foul! How could Dumbledore allow this sort of ‘sponsorship’?
Slughorn: Well, he didn’t really have a choice. You see, the school was running out of money to buy black uniforms for the staff, and Polassa Carbonate was willing to give us their Educational Package, which, in addition to a classroom set of carbon-based potion ingredients, includes this spiffy academic outfit for me.
Neville: It looks quite nice on you, sir. The tassel really sets it off.
Slughorn: Why thank you, my boy. Ten points to Gryffindor!
Hermione: …So then I add Spice and… everything nice?
Professor: Correct, Ms. Granger.
Neville: *To himself* Why did I take Multiple Girls 101?!
Slughorn: And, finally… does anyone know what this one is?
Hermione: *Shocked* Professor! How could you?
Slughorn: *Bemused* How could I what, my dear?
Hermione: Wear one of Fred and George’s ‘Vanishing Eye Tassels’?!
Slughorn: Today, we’ll be studying making potions to make you unappealing to the opposite gender. You’ll want to pay extra attention, Hermione, as tons of men have been waiting since Goblet of Fire for you to turn 18.
Hermione: ‘Professor, we’re not really going to tie-dye robes today, are we? That was nowhere in the reading!’
Hermione: Professor, why aren’t you… fat?
Slughorn: Should I be?
Hermione: According to J.K. Rowling, you are. Every time you’re mentioned, she informs the readers that you’re fat. Again.
Slughorn: Honestly… those moviemakers!
Hermione: It’s the most powerful love potion in the world. To me it smells like freshly cut grass, and new parchment, and…
Slughorn: Wait – are you BoOkworm117?
Hermione: ‘…and all you have to say is abra kadabra and then the rabbit comes out of the third cauldron! That’s it!’