Week of October 12, 2008
Malfoy: But, Potter has a dragon!
Filch: That didn’t work in your first year and it won’t work now!
Malfoy: ‘How dare that mirror say that Potter was the angstiest in the land!’
Filch: *Leading Malfoy away* NO student ever touches my secret recipe Christmas cookies!
Malfoy: NO filthy night guard ever touches my $200,000 coat!
Filch: NO stupid Slytherin ever calls me a ‘night guard’!
Malfoy: NO @#$%^ NIGHT GUARD EVER calls me stupid!
Afterwards, Slughorn re-thought ever casting the Name-Calling Jinx on the party food again.
-Half Blood Prince
Filch: I caught him trying to gatecrash.
Snape: Draco, you will be punished. I award you 10 points to Slytherin so you can feel guilty for not really earning it.
Malfoy: ‘Check the Facebook invitation! I accepted last week!’
Filch: Where are you going? I thought what we had was special!
Draco: *Through tears* I can never be with you as long as she is still around!
Filch: Mrs. Norris? No, you don’t understand, she’s married! WAIT!
Draco: I can’t wait for you anymore!
Bonnie Wright: *Mutters* And I thought we were sticking to the book with this one…
The Slug Club party attendees stare on in awe bordering on horror while a very inebriated Draco Malfoy performs his ‘Elvis’ impression. Overcome with sudden inspiration, Filch joins in for the chorus.
Filch: You’re under arrest.
Draco: What? Why?
Filch: For improper use of naming.
Draco: What on Earth do you mean?
Filch: Scorpius! How do you expect a kid to get ANY respect with a name like Scorpius?
Draco: I managed to get by.
Ginny: No you didn’t.
Draco: Shut up. In any case, it’s you who ought to be arrested, Potter!
Ginny: I don’t know what you’re talking about. Albus Severus is a perfectly good name.
Draco: *Snort* Yeah, for a toilet bowl disinfectant.
Girl on the Right: Shut up, both of you. At least you haven’t had to grow up with a name like Renesmee.
Ginny, Argus, Draco: …You win.
Filch: Professor Snape, I caught him doing something highly suspicious in an empty classroom. It involved dolls, and tea.
Malfoy: It soothes my soul!
When Draco signed up to be auctioned off for charity he always assumed the highest bidder would be a girl…
Malfoy: ‘Hey, watch the robes, they’re silk!’
Draco: The Dark Lord will hear about this!
Filch: I don’t care! Tell the Dark Lord to steal his cookies somewhere else!
Malfoy: Hey, my jacket is stuck in your hair. *He struggles to pull it away*
Filch: Ow! OW! Stop it! Just take your jacket off and untangle it.
Malfoy: *Sneering* You idiot, that would ruin my ‘dark and mysterious teenager being used by an evil, deadly wizard’ look. Do you realize how hard this is to achieve? I’ve heard girls are in love with Potter – Potter, of all people! I’m actually losing to that?!?
-Marquis in Spades
Ginny: Dancicus Likeus Afoolius!
Draco: ‘Please, Filch! As if I would date anyone with a receding hair line!’