Week of October 19, 2008
Mrs. Cole: I’m sorry – you couldn’t possibly see Tom.
Dumbledore: Why not?!
Mrs. Cole: Well… we have a strict dress code of brown, murky green and revolting yellow – you know, to keep the gloominess of the place.
Dumbledore: *Disappointed* Oh… I see…
Woman: I know you’re trying to help with our Tom, but did you have to set fire to the wardrobe?
Dumbledore: I felt it was necessary for my point to become clear.
Woman: I’m just afraid it might have a negative effect on him.
Dumbledore: Nonsense! He’s a good kid…
Dumbledore: ‘Well, I’ll just be taking these curtains…’
Lady: In all the years Tom’s been here he’s never once had a visitor.
Dumbledore: Not one?
Lady: Well, we once brought in a counselor, but mysteriously he never came out.
Dumbledore: Pardon me, miss, where may you say the little Muggles’ room is?
Ms. Cole: I must warn you, Tom is a disturbed young man. He has a tendency to doodle skulls with snakes coming out of their mouth and positively loves violence. I wouldn’t be surprised if he grew up to be a mass murderer.
Dumbledore: I feel you are overreacting, madam.
Mrs. Cole: I don’t know what could have gone wrong. I did everything that you said!
Dumbledore: Well, what happened?
Mrs. Cole: I mixed the ingredients, rolled the dough into 1 inch balls, placed them on wax paper, and put them in the oven for 20 minutes!
Dumbledore: Did you turn the oven on, my dear?
Mrs. Cole: Oh…
Dumbledore: ‘Did I ever tell you about the wand, the stone, and the cloak who all go into a bar?’
Dumbledore: Like my scarf?
Dumbledore: Well, good, because the woman I’m seeing is blind.
Dumbledore: Young Tom is a wizard. Does he use his powers responsibly?
Woman: Well… he is slightly better-behaved than that girl on Wizards of Waverly Place.
Dumbledore: Have you noticed any – odd behavior in Tom?
Mrs. Cole: He used to act strangely towards the other children, but he’s been pretty subdued since he lost his dream to become the next Annie. *She lowers her voice* Some of the children say, if you listen carefully at night, you can hear someone singing ‘Tomorrow.’ And he doesn’t do a very good job of keeping a tune, either…
Tom Riddle: *Walks out of his room in a curly, red wig* I heard that!
Beauty and the Beast: the real 50th Anniversary Edition.
Miss Cole: Hey, I’ll trade this Orphanage action figure for that purple table-cloth.
Woman: ‘Table for one, sir?’
The good news and the bad news.
Nurse: The good news is we’re going to name a disease after you.
Mrs. Cole: Nice clothes, Dumbledore. Have you been reading a little too much Wizwear magazine?
Dumbledore: C’mon! This tie was five Sickles off with purchase of the Gilderoy Lockhart thong!
Dumbledore’s part-time job as Barney.
Dumbledore: This is all I’ve got to say…
Dumbledore: …Nice haircut. was it from the Magic Chop?
Albus Dumbledore’s Secret Past.
Dumbledore: Mrs. Cole, are you aware that the illness of these orphans has been caused by harmful germs?
Mrs. Cole: Really?
Dumbledore: Oh, yes! No one’s ever this sick at Hogwarts. That’s because I use MagikSwipe™! *Sprays green germs on wall and wipes them away to their deaths*
Mrs. Cole: Oh, wow, Mr. Dumbledore! *Claps hands against face* Next time I’ll be sure to get MagikSwipe™!
Dumbledore: What’s magic without MagikSwipe™? *Holds up bottle and grins into camera*