Week of February 8, 2009
Harry: *Thinking* When will he realize that he’s too old to chat up girls our age?
Ron: *Thinking* Hermione always respects teachers. She’ll never go for Slughorn, but maybe I could pick up some tips from him, anyway. It might be less creepy coming from me.
Slughorn: Ms. Granger, I have never seen such beautiful marks on such a young girl as the ones I’ve seen on you.
Hermione: *Awkwardly* Thank you?
Slughorn: Yes, yes, the Three Broomsticks is truly one of the finest pubs in all England. Just note the brilliant interior decoration! My absolute favorite decor is the collection of stag horns on the wall. Most of them were caught on the Hogwarts grounds!
Slughorn: So, I hear Equus‘ last show is today. Maybe you could do me a solid and give me tickets.
Harry: The final show’s already over.
Ron: He took that well.
Slughorn: ‘Why yes, Miss Granger, it was me who gave you all Snuggies and Sham-wows for Christmas!’
To spite Ron for his constant PDAs with Lavender, Hermione began chatting with some single wizards on the internet. Before long, she had arranged to meet the one with the ‘most promise.’ For caution’s sake, Harry and Ron accompany her.
Harry: I think it’s time to go, now!
Harry: No really, sir, I’m fine standing.
Hermione: *Whispers* Don’t worry, he just wants to feel taller.
Slughorn: *Raises mug* To the three amigos… Harry, Hermione… and me.
Ron: Hey, what about me?
Slughorn: You can watch us hang out together if you promise not to touch anything.
Slughorn: Hey, kids, how’s it hanging?
Hermione: Excuse me?
Slughorn: You kids kicking it with your homies?
Slughorn: That’s cool. I’m going to chill with my peeps now. *Walks off*
Harry: This is why I don’t go to adults for help.
Hermione: Professor, that suit looked much better on Daniel Craig than it does on you.
Slughorn: Well-spotted, Miss Granger!
Slughorn: ‘And so the goblin went up to the Unicorn and said, ”I’ll stick to the Firewhiskey, thank you very much.” …’
Slughorn: Why hello, all! May I have a seat?
Hermione: Of course, Professor, I was just going over my new plans for SPEW –
Slughorn: WOW, LOOK at the time!!! Gotta go!
Harry: ‘Hermione can burp the Rune alphabet! Show him, Hermione! Go on!’
Harry: I’m… um, I’m stuck.
Slughorn: Yes, yes fine.
Harry: *Louder* I’m stuck!
Ron: I told you not to let him order anything sticky!
Slughorn: ‘Nice to see you, Hermione, Mr. Weasley. Er, I don’t believe you’ve met my assistant, Quasimodo Potter, have you?’
Harry: And then, she said, ‘Soggy whimpering jelly muffin!’
Slughorn: Oh, Harry, my love of your humor only matches my love of crystalized pineapple!
Ron: …I am so outside of these inside jokes…
Harry: You know, Professor, I think you should at least acknowledge Ron’s existence.
Slughorn: Oh, quite right. *Hands cup to Ron* Get this refilled, will you?
-The Wizard of Aud
Unfortunately, the spying jackelopes’ plans were foiled when they saw they had mounted themselves on the wrong wall.
Harry: Hermione! I can’t believe you!
Hermione: You promised to go on a double date with us…
Harry: Yeah, only if you could find me a nice date!
Hermione: But I did!
Harry: Professor Slughorn does NOT count!
Harry: What is THAT?!
Slughorn: This, my friend, is a pint.
Harry: It comes in pints? …I’m getting one.