Week of March 15, 2009
Harry: Cedric, you’re alive!
Cedric/Edward: I’m not alive. I’m a vampire. And the fangirls like me more now.
Harry: Bite me.
Cedric/Edward: Oh, that is so clever.
Harry: No, I’m serious.
Harry: She’s only interested in you because she thinks you’re a hot vampire!
Edward: But I am a hot vampire!
Harry: *Smacks Edward*
Edward Cullen: You have a wand… and ride on a broomstick… I know what you are…
Harry: Say it… out loud…
Edward Cullen: …Wizard.
Harry: Are you afraid?
Edward: And so the lion fell in love with the lamb…
Harry: Whoa! What is wrong with you?
Edward: *Turns around* What are you doing here? Where’s Bella?
Harry: You mixed up the sets. We are trying to film Deathly Hallows.
Edward: ‘Deathly Hallows’? That sounds dangerous. I better go stalk down Bella and make sure she is safe.
Harry: I last saw her eating ice cream. She’s safe.
Edward: Safe?! What are you talking about? She’ll probably get a massive brain freeze and end up in the hospital! I’ll never forgive myself for letting her out of my sight. BELLA! *Runs off set*
Harry: Your skin is pale white and ice cold… I know what you are, Ginny, you’re the love of my life!
Edward: Harry, it’s me, Edward. We’re in the middle of the Forbidden Forest.
Harry: Oh, sorry Edward. I’ve had these glasses since I was 11 and I don’t get my new prescription until Tuesday…
Harry: But don’t you see, Edward? I don’t care about Voldemort anymore. My new target is you…
Edward: Are you afraid?
Harry: Only of losing my place at the top of the best-sellers list…
Harry: So, how does it feel being a pasty loser who can’t kiss your girlfriend without worrying that you’ll kill her?
Edward: At least I’m not wearing that outfit.
Harry: I have a fast broom.
Edward: I can run faster than you fly.
Harry: I’m loved by most people at my school.
Edward: I’m loved by everyone at my school and I have no scar on my forehead.
Harry: …at least the werewolf I know didn’t imprint on my child!
Edward: …you win.
Harry: I always win.
Harry: ‘Cedric? You look… shiny.’
-Bellatrix the Strange
Harry: Cedric! I thought you died.
Edward: Nope, Voldemort just turned me into the next teen idol.
Harry: Cedric? But you died!
Cedric: Actually, I was ALMOST dead but a vampire named Carlisle bit me and asked me to change my name to ‘Edward’.
Harry: Do you realize how much angst and therapy I went through because of you?!
Cedric: I know; I even heard you screaming my name when I was watching you sleep.
Harry: …You gotta stop watching people sleeping.
Cedric: So. How is it that you – a skinny boy with no extraordinary acting talent – managed to defeat the greatest actor of all time? How did you escape with nothing but eight movies, while Robert Pattinson’s powers were destroyed?
Harry: Why do you care how I escaped? Pattinson was after your time…
Cedric: Pattinson is my past, present and future, Harry Potter…
*Cedric pulls Harry’s wand from his pocket and begins to trace it through the air, writing two shimmering words*
*Then, Cedric waves the wand once, and the letters of his name rearrange themselves*
POTTER IS NOT BRAN
Harry: Um… so?
Cedric: You know, that made alot more sense in my head…
Harry: For the record, are you sure Snape isn’t one of your kind?
Edward: Yes, for the last time! That fan theory was always stupid!
Harry: You may have the looks, but I still have the angst!
Cedric: True. But you’re only angsty over my death.
Harry is momentarily stunned by someone who actually knows how to dress like a pro.
Memories, all alone in the moonlight!
Edward Cullen: ‘Hi, I’m Edward Cullen. Hotter than you since 1901.’
Harry: Oh… wow… Cedric are you okay?
Cedric: *Looks confused* yes, why wouldn’t I be?
Harry: It’s just that Dumbledore told me about your new secret identity as Edward Cullen, and about you being a vampire…
Cedric: You’re joking! I thought this was the Fourth Task?!
Edward: Why are you staring at me?
Edward: Is it because I am so dazzlingly beautiful? Is it because I sparkle and my deathly pale skin is giving off an eerie, luminescent glow? Is it because you know I’m a deadly dangerous immortal who could kill you easily?
Harry: No, you have something on your shirt.
Harry: *Awkwardly* ‘So…. you weren’t dead yet when I whispered how I’ve loved you all my life… in your ear?’
Harry: You’ve got Bella.
Edward: You’ve got Ginny.
Both: *Desperately* Trade?
Edward: *Sparkling* Harry… THIS is the skin of a killer…
Harry: *Stifles laughter*
Harry: So this Jacob Black guy is a werewolf?
Cedric/Edward: That’s right. Which reminds me, there’s something you need to know about Sirius and Lupin…
Harry: I am a moody, angsty teenage orphan with a hero complex and a habit of putting the people I love in danger!
Edward: *Stares* Are we related?
About three things Harry was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of Edward, and he didn’t know how dominant that part might be, that thirsted for his blood. And third, that he was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.
Harry: All the girls want us!
Edward: Yeah, too bad you’re a fictional character.
Harry: What does that make you…?
Edward: I’m in two movies, I’m every girl’s imaginary boyfriend, that makes me pretty real!
What Hollywood sees when it looks in the Mirror of Erised.
Harry Potter and the Undead Prince
Harry: ‘Are you hiding from fangirls, too?’
Harry: So you’re the one taking all my fans.
Edward: And you’re the one I hear Bella mumbling about in her sleep.
Bella: Oh, darn…
Both: ‘What are you doing here, Freak?’
*The longest evil stare, and then…*
Edward: Got any more names?
Harry: Nope, you?
Harry: Um… I better get going, you know, Horcruxes to find.
Edward: Yeah! Uh, me too. I mean, I’ve got to go as well. Got to track a vengeful vampire from eating my girlfriend.
Edward: Right. Best of luck!
Harry: Yeah! Same to you!
Edward: Ahh, bask in my increadible hottness.
Harry: Well, I can’t bask in your spelling, that’s for sure.
Edward: *Timidly* Harry, are you coming to give me a hug?
Harry: No, I’m deciding whether to curse you, hex you, or punch you in the nose.
Edward: But it might scare the caterpillars of my face!
Harry: That’s the point.
Harry: ‘Cedric?! …Wow… plot twist.’
Harry knew it was another one of those messed up cross-over fanfictions.
Harry: Harward Culter?
Edward: No. Eddy Pullen.
Edward: ‘Bella? Did you get a haircut?’
Harry: Edward Cullen?! Are you the silver doe?
Edward: Uh… about that… *licks lips*
-Potter for Minister
Harry: Who… who are you?
Edward Cullen: Don’t you recognize me? *speaking British* You know the prefects’ bathroom on the 5th floor? It’s not a bad place for a bath…
Harry: No… sorry, doesn’t ring a bell.
Edward: *Smiles, nearly blinding Harry*
Harry: ‘Forget it. I’m not joining ”Team Edward”.’
The battle for supremacy continues..
Edward Cullen: Paper!
Harry Potter: Scissors!
Edward Cullen: Best two out of three!
Edward: These aren’t the droids you are looking for. *Waves hand in weird manner*
Harry: Dang, the Jedi/Starwars phase again.
Harry: ‘Cedric, RUN! The sepia is attacking!’
Harry: I have more fangirls!
Edward: I have more fangirls!
Oliver Wood: I think I can settle this. *Steps around corner and smiles*
Fangirls: OLIVER WOOD! *Rush the set*
Harry and Edward: ……
-Wolf of West
Harry: I know what you are. You’re impossibly fast, and strong… your skin is pale white and ice cold…
Edward: Say it! Out loud. Say it.
Harry: Polar Bear.
Harry: Holy crap! Ce-?
Edward: You think I’m Cedric, a boy who went to your school and was killed right in front of you, right? Well, from the picture in your head, I can certainly see the resemblance but, in fact, I am much older and paler than this Cedric person.
Harry: So… you can –
Edward: Read minds.
Harry: Huh. That’s –
Harry: Hey, you said it, pal. Not me.
-Harriet the Witch
Harry: Cedric?! …crap. I’m dead again, aren’t I?
Edward: Let me check> *Inhales* Oh my God you smell even better than Bella.
Harry: I know what you are.
Edward: Say it, out loud.
Harry: The mascot for ‘The Coat Factory’!
Harry: Nice Coat…
Cedric: Oh, thanks. It’s a Stephenie Meyer original.
Edward: Thanks again for letting me borrow that baby name book.
The International Convention of Magical Men in Need of Fan Girl Protection.
The first official meeting of the Angsty English Boys with Bushy Eyebrows Society.