Week of March 22, 2009
Vader: ‘Argh! Snape was good after all? That means I lost my bet with Captain Needa… I’ll have to find an excuse to strangle him…’
Darth Vader: Horcruxes… that sounds like an excellent idea!
Luke Skywalker: *Off-screen* Don’t even think about it!
Vader: *Inner-monologue* I would have made Voldemort Harry’s real father… I mean, that’s a really good plot twist if you ask me.
Vader: ‘Wow, he makes being The Chosen One look easy.’
‘NO! Harry, don’t go into the forest. No, you’ll die! NOO!!!’
Vader: ‘Dobby is… dead? NOO! Why does everyone I love leave me?’
Vader: *Thinking* I don’t get why people think Harry’s angst is so annoying. He’s no worse than I was at that age.
Vader: ‘This book is pointless to resist!’
Guard: Lord Vader, the Emperor has arrived and -
Vader: *Stretches a hand to silence the guard* No-one interrupts me mid-chapter!
Severus Snape: Are you a Veela?
Lily Evans: What?
Severus Snape: A Veela. The’re the most beautiful creatures in the universe. They live in Romania, I think.
Lily Evans: You’re a funny little boy. How do you know so much?
Severus Snape: I listen to all the potioneers who come through here. I’m a potioneer, you know.
Lily Evans: You’re a potioneer?
Severus Snape: Mmhm. All my life.
Lily Evans: How long have you been here?
Severus Snape: Since I was very little. My mom married my dad even though he wasn’t a wizard, so he wanted to live here.
Lily Evans: You’re a wizard?
Severus Snape: I’m a person and my name is Severus!
Vader: *Closes the book* How moving.
Vader: ‘Nineteen years later’?
Darth Vader was disappointed with how misleading the cover was – he was fully expecting Harry to use the Force.
Vader: *thinking* Why doesn’t this Voldemort guy just use Force lightning?
‘So that’s why Tom hasn’t been answering my phone calls…’
Vader: ‘Really? Scorpius? Even I think that’s cruel and my mother named me Anakin.’
Darth Vader might be the Evil leader of the entire galaxy, but that does not shield him from spoilers.
Vader: *Quickly reads* ‘Blast it! Yoda was right. Harry is a Horcrux. How did I not see it?’
*Door opens, Vader quickly puts DH away*
Imperial Soldier: We got them, sir.
Vader: Good. Did you see anything in here?
Imperial Soldier: No, I didn’t see you reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows again, sir. *Leaves*
What happens at Comic Con stays at Comic Con.
Vader: *Reading confrontation in the Forbidden Forest* ‘HAHAHAHA. Who’s your daddy now, Potter?’
Vader: ‘All is well?! *Puts book down, presses intercom* General! Get me the coordinates for Earth.’
Vader: ‘This is ridiculous! Lord Voldemort killed that Potter boy fair and square! This Ms. Rowling is Dark Lordist!’
The first time he read the series, Darth Vader justified his actions by reminding himself that it’s a good idea to know one’s competition. The 5 readings which followed were slightly harder to justify.’
Darth Vader: *Laughs to himself* ‘Hufflepuff.’ *Laughs again*
Vader: Voldemort is Harry’s father, I’m sure of it!
Emperor: Quit projecting.
Darth Vader: This is good… but I could take Voldemort. He sounds like a bit of a pansy.
Voldemort: *Off-screen* Really?
Vader: *Without looking up* Yeah, he isn’t much good in the final fight. He just gets his butt handed to him by a teenager.
Voldemort: And that’s different from you how?
Vader: Well, technically -
Voldemort: Oh shut up!
Luke Skywalker: The Harry Potter hype won’t last long after the seventh movie, you know?
Darth Vader: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Darth Vader: Hey! Where’s that part that Luke told me about? The part where I kill Harry Potter, take over the world, and rename the planet ‘Darth Vader’s Playhouse’?
Luke Skywalker: *Later, to C-3PO* So then, I told him that after Hermione gets captured in the black lake, he kills Harry Potter, takes over the world and renames the planet ‘Darth Vader’s Playhouse’!
Darth Vader: ‘This book is so exciting, my underpants have gone over to the Dark Side.’
Darth Vader had finally realized why good guys always won… it was the hair.
The What-Not-to-Do Handbook for Supervillains.
Come to the Dark Side. We have Book Seven!
Vader: *Reading* NOT MY DAUGHTER, YOU B*#($… ‘Heck yes! God, I wish marrying Molly Weasley wouldn’t cause so many plot twists…’
Emperor: Lord Vader.
Vader: One moment, Your Highness.
Emperor: Lord Vader! You have been here, in this room, with your nose in that book since it was released!
Vader: Just one more chapter…
Emperor: You call yourself a Sith? Sith masters do NOT read books about the triumph of good!
Vader: Don’t worry, Master, I’m rooting for the Dark Lord.
Quite possibly the weirdest episode of Where Are They Now? ever.