Week of July 12, 2009
‘Now what is that mysterious ticking noise?’
Severus was clipping coupons, but decided to skip the one for the barber shop.
Alan Rickman: *Thinking* This may be the second time I’ve sat down in six movies…
‘I didn’t know J.C. Penney’s was having a sale…’
Snape: ‘Yes, I do suppose this newspaper is upside-down. But that’s only because I’m reading the answers to the Wizzard Wuzzles.’
Snape: Headmaster, what is a five letter word for ‘a sinister, greasy-haired man who wears black robes‘?
Dumbledore: You’re kidding, right?
Snape: ‘It’s o-ver…’
(Snape’s reaction to reading the latest about John and Kate)
‘Good evening, and welcome to Masterpiece Theatre…’
Snape: *Sees dust everywhere* ‘How long was I asleep?’
Ron: *Gasp* Professor?
Snape: I… I like the bridal sections, okay?
Snape: Hmm, what does my horoscope say? Let’s see, ‘two sisters will come to your door wanting something… personal… from you…’
Bellatrix: *Outside* Snape! Cissy wants you to make the Unbreakable Vow and I wanna see it happen!
Snape: ‘Also, you will kill somebody close to you at their request.’
Dumbledore: *Off-screen* I need you to kill me, Severus.
Snape: *Sigh* I hate it when the stars are right…
Snape: *Reading Article* ‘How to Protect Yourself from Evil Horcrux Snakes!, what a waste of time…’
Alan/Snape: ‘What do you mean I went down 2 percent on IMDb?!’
‘So, Michael Jackson has passed on. Perhaps the world is now ready for another pop star with pale white skin and long, black hair…’
Harry: ‘Shouldn’t you be stroking some kind of sinister cat?’
Snape: And why, Harry, have you put my name on the personal ads page?
Harry: You honestly have to ask?
Snape was not amused by Wormtail circling all the ads for shampoo with a red marker.
Alan Rickman: ‘Really, guys? Really? I think it’s motivation enough for teenagers that I am reading the newspaper; but is it really necessary to have me stationed in front of 500 books just in case?’
Snape: ‘How dare you interrupt my funnies!’
Slughorn: Grrrr orrrf!
Snape: Excuse me?
Slughorn: Gerrrr orrrrff!!!
Snape: Is someone saying something?
Slughorn: YOUR SITTING ON ME!!!
Snape: Deep breath, Severus. Hearing voices coming from the chair doesn’t always mean you’re crazy.
Snape: ‘What am I doing inside… on a day like this? People will think I’m…. up to something.’
Harry: *Off-screen* What is it? More lies about Dumbledore’s death?
Snape: No, but Charlie Brown got his kite stuck again.
Snape: Wormtail, what is a six-letter word for ‘proceeding from or expressive of fear or timidity’?
Snape: WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?!
Snape: ‘Who’s writing this garbage? I did NOT choke on a pickle and die!’
Snape: ‘Hmm…. The Chosen One… that should be at least 500 points from Gryffindor…’
Snape: *Reads, interested* ‘The Jonas Brothers are coming to the Leaky Cauldron?’
Alan: Yeah, David, I just have one question. In the script, what does it mean by ‘sinisterly flips back the newspaper?
Yates: You, sinisterly… flip back the newspaper.
Alan: Erm… how does one sinisterly flip back a newspaper?
Yates: How should I know? You’re the one who’s been sinisterly flipping back your hair and cloak, sinisterly opening and closing doors, for years! Just apply the same principle.
Alan: All right, I’ll try, but I… I just don’t feel like I can take this character seriously much longer.
Yates: *Muttering* Yeah, you and me both.
‘So…. you’re my Five O’Clock…’
Snape: That’s funny. I just got the strangest feeling that I’m going to die a tragic and premature death, leaving a past filled with emotional scarring, repressed memories of an upsetting childhood, and deep, hidden secrets that may or may not justify my questionable actions. People will speculate, after my death, on whether what I did was morally right or wrong, but despite this continue to mock odd nose, pale skin, and black mop of hair.
Wormtail: You’ve been reading about that Michael Jackson too much, Severus.
Snape: Oh dear lord…Wormtail, what have I told you about wearing your french maid costume? You’re wasting a good thing.
Snape: ‘An ad for Harry Potter Should Have Died…? I’ll take sixty copies.’
Snape: ‘Spoiler alert… I killed Dumbledore.’
‘If you’re looking for Malfoy Manor… you’ve made a wrong turn.’
Snape: ‘The Daily Prophet says that 79% of American teenage girls are more excited about the New Moon movie than Harry Potter 6… Wormtail! Pack my bags, we’re going to wreak some havoc!’
Snape: ‘I don’t believe it’s any of your business whether or not I’m hiding a Victoria’s Secret catalog behind my newspaper.’
Snape: ‘Oh My God! Ron has Swine Flu!’
Snape: *Thinking* As a matter of fact, I DO like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain.
Bellatrix: What can you make of this? *Hands Snape the newspaper*
Snape: *Takes newspaper* I can make a hat or brooch or a pterodactyl.
Snape: ‘Bella, what’s a four-letter word for ”a power The Dark Lord knows not”?’
Snape: Potter! what’s an 9 letter word for ‘a literary failure’?
Snape: Right-O, Potty-boy! Ten points to Gryffindor!
Snape: I. Am. Outraged. After. All. These tests with magic. *Unusually long pause* We. Haven’t. Found out. How. Many. Licks it takes. To. Make. It. To. The center of. A Tootsie Pop.
Pettigrew: Sir, if you please read the rest of the article you will find that there will be more tests. We aren’t giving up yet.
Snape: Oh. Really?
Snape: ‘Wait, when did they build the Millennium Bridge? I thought this was 1996.’
Snape: ‘Wormtail, put your clothes back on.’
Snape: *Reading Classifieds* Greasy Haired Male seeking Red Haired, Green Eyed Female that doesn’t mind being called Lily.
Snape: Good lord!
Bellatrix: What is it?
Snape: Well, apparently some idiot tried to bring back all the speech bubble, Budweiser, and Hufflepuff common room jokes to the Mugglenet Caption Contest.
Bellatrix: Really? Did it work?
Snape: Dunno. It says ‘developing story.’
Bellatrix: I’m not surprised, Snape, to find you sitting about on your arse while we’re busy wreaking havoc in the name of the Dark Lord.
Snape: Well, being J.K. Rowling’s most inwardly tortured character has its privileges.
Announcer: J.K. Rowling’s greatest mystery remains that of Severus Snape. Man or monster, good or evil? It seems we may never know, unless -
Announcer: Um… why didn’t you just point that out in Book 6?
Snape: Well, no one’s ever asked me.
Snape: ‘Wait, so the Others are kidnapping people, but the boat people want to capture the leader of the Others, and now they are time warping? If Muggles understand this show, they must be lightyears ahead of us in intelligence…’
Snape: *reading from a critic film review* ‘…many fans who went to see Half-Blood Prince found themselves confused unless they had already read the book.’ *muses* Well, I have to admit, I was a little thrown off when Nymphadora randomly called the werewolf ‘sweetheart.’ I mean, when the *bleep* did that happen?’
The normally quiet-loving Snape rued the day that he allowed Wormtail to move in with his blasted ‘Guitar Hero‘ Muggle video game.
Harry: Hey, Snape, I know what happens in book 7!
Snape: What? Tell me!
Harry: okay, so first, *BEEEEEEEEEEEP*, and then later *BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP* and you *BEEEEEEEEEEEEP, and when I *BEEEEEEEEEEEEP* but then *BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP* so I *BEEEEP* *BEEEEEP* so Voldemort *BEEEEEEEEP*–
Snape: stupid Anti-Spoiler Jinx…