Week of February 21, 2010
Hermione: *Reading book*
Ron: Hermione, why are you reading ‘Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Wizards’? I was gonna buy that for Harry’s B-DAY next year.
Ron: Who are YOU trying to Charm?
Harry: So, hypothetically, if somebody decided to –
Harry: Okay, but what about –
Harry: Well, say a dragon shows up –
Hermione: Still no.
Harry: BUT –
Hermione: NO! Harry.
Ron: Give it up, man, you’ll never win. She’s always right.
Harry: Guys, the most amazing thing happened to me!
Hermione: For the last time, Harry, the supermarket doors open for everyone.
Harry: Guys! We’re in trouble. If Horcruxes can be absolutely anything, then a man as smart as Voldemort is sure to have made them something extremely common and ordinary, like a rock, or brick. Or maybe a tree.
Hermione: Nope, Dumbledore said they’re one-of-a-kind, historically significant objects.
Harry: …seriously? He didn’t even make one rock Horcrux for his own safety?
Harry: ‘I’m telling you, Hermione, if you write a girls’ dictionary, you’d make more money than Jo Rowling!’
Harry: G-guys, I think my nose is gone!
Hermione: Harry, it’s right there on your face.
Harry: *Feels face* Oh. Phew! I need that nose.
Ron: For what?
Harry: For smelling…?
Harry: Guys, I’m telling you! Malfoy is a Death Eater!
Hermione: No, he’s not, Harry!
Harry: Is, too! There is a Dark Mark on his arm!
Hermione: Harry, where’s the proof?
Harry: My Potter Sense is tingling! I just know it!
Harry: The sum of the areas of the two squares on the legs (a and b) equals the area of the square and the hypotenuse (c).
Hermione: Ok. After we establish their lengths, we can go ahead and figure out the angles…
Ron: *Cuts in* And how exactly is this going to help us build the flower arrangements for Bill and Fleur’s wedding?
Harry: I… can’t be a-a-a wizard. I mean, I’m Harry – just Harry.
Ron: *Whispers to Hermione* I think the stress is getting to him.
Ron: What are you two going on about?
Harry: Hermione, just give me your shoe!
Hermione: No, Harry. I told you, I’m 16 and old enough to tie my shoes.
Harry: Yes, you may be the smartest in our year, Hemrione, but some of us still haven’t learned yet.
Ron: Harry, even Crabbe and Goyle know how to tie their shoes.
Harry: *Smacks his face* Where is everyone learning this?
Ron and Hermione: …
Hermione: But, how do you know Malfoy’s a Death Eater?
Harry: Simple logic. Malfoy is a jerk and Death Eaters are jerks. Therefore, logically, Malfoy is a Death Eater.
Hermione: Words escape me.
Harry: That impressed, huh?
Harry: You know, Neville’s just an incompetent dork, and there’s no way he’s gonna survive the war, right?
Hermione and Ron: Right.
Harry: So, I was thinking, we should bring him along in our search for the Horcruxes. He’d make a great human shield if we’re being attacked.
Hermione: That’s true!
Neville: *Off-screen* You guys, I’m sitting right next to you!
What Deb DiEugenio thinks Harry Potter is like:
Harry: ‘Okay, guys, now that the pentagram is ready, we must hold hands to start the ceremony.’
Harry: I promise you, I didn’t eat Hermione’s cookie.
Hermione: Then, why did I see you eating an M&M cookie?
Ron: That wasn’t Harry.
Hermione: I hate you.
Harry: Look, Hermione, you need to get over your obsession with the book ‘Holes.’ Reading it 47 times in one week was one thing –
Ron: Tricking the Hogwarts Express driver into taking us to Camp Greenlake is quite another.
Harry: So, then he was all like, ‘Yo yo Potty boy! You all up in my grill yo! Y’all up in my kool-aid!’
Hermione: Oh, no he di’nt!
Harry: Fo sho! And so I was all, ‘Yo Voldy Moldy Pants! Expelliarmus, yo! You ain’t messing wit my peeps no more!’
Harry: Hermione, it was like this giant parabola of AWESOME; I mean, I can hardly even describe it…
Hermione: *Whispers to Ron* What’s he talking about?
Ron: *Whispers to Hermione* I think it’s called ‘Cocoa Puffs’?
Harry: I’m just cuckoo for them!
Harry: I swear! I just had a bowling ball in my hand!
Hermione: Harry, look…
Harry: I promise you, I just had a bowling ball in my hand. Where’d it go?
Ron: Harry, look on the ground.
Harry: Oh. There it is.
Hermione: Dumbledore says that Hogwarts is the safest place for you to be, Harry.
Ron: Yup, no place is safer than Hogwarts.
Harry: Yeah… I’m sure that the troll, the possessed professor, crazed bludgers, giant spiders, the Basilisk, Dementors, dragons, homicidal Grindylows, being kidnapped by Voldemort, the supposedly dead Moody impostor, and the sadistic power-crazy Ministry official were just flukes. This year will be totally fine.
Harry: So, you see now? *Gets frustrated* The last Horcrux is in the ice cream! It’s one of the chocolate chips! Voldemort –
Hermione: But that’s not what Book Seven says! Harry, please try to be reasonable –
Harry: How can I be reasonable at a time like this? I have to hunt down every tub of chocolate-chip ice cream Blue Bell has ever made and destroy them with the sword!
*Snack cart arrives*
Cart Lady: Anything off the trolley, dears? I have ice cream!
Harry: *Grabs the Sword of Gryffindor from nowhere and attacks the cart*
Hermione: *Shakes head* I knew he’s gone mad… I thought by now he’d know I’m always right!
Ron: *Hasn’t taken eyes off Hermione the whole time and is mesmerized by her smarts* Haaawwwwt…
Harry: I found it! No-no, nevermind. Oh, wait! No, no!
Harry: I’m telling the truth, Hermione. If your hand’s as big as your face, it increases your risk of cancer!
Hermione: Oh my gosh, really? *Puts hand to face*
Ron: *Hits Hermione’s hand so she smacks herself in the face*
Harry: And you’re supposed to be the smart one.
Harry: These are the hands of a surgeon.
Ron: *to Hermione* Doesn’t he know they’re his hands?
Hermione: It’s a metaphor!
Ron: You Muggles…
Daniel: They said we were going to the Wizarding World theme park – but does this look like a theme park to you? They’ve sent us to the middle of nowhere!
Rupert: I’m not surprised, after Emma stepped on the producer’s pet cricket.
Emma: I swear, I thought it was a cockroach.
Daniel: A ‘foul, loathsome, evil’ one?
Rupert: Talk about adding insult to injury.
Harry: Here comes the tickle monster!
Hermione: Oh, no! Whatever shall I do?
Ron: Again! Gee, guys, that ‘tickle monster’ custom must get boring. I mean, Harry’s always got his hands on you, ‘Mione.
Harry: Yeah, I know, horrid. Isn’t it?
Hermione: Yes, horrid… *giggling*
Harry: Give it back, Hermione!
Hermione: No, Harry, this is a bad book and you shouldn’t have it anymore!
Harry: But, I can’t sleep without Princeykins under my pillow…
Ron: Whoa. I didn’t realize it was that bad. Hermione, whatever you do, do not give him the book!
Harry: Can this train go faster?
Ron: Chill man, what’s the rush?
Harry: American Idol is on in 40 minutes! I can’t miss the Ryan and Simon debate!
Ron: OHH MAN! I forgot… let me go talk to the driver!
Hermione: Wow. What. Girls.
Harry: ‘So, that was pretty weird when we saw Malfoy trying to buy that hand…’
Harry: Hermione, give me back my diary. That’s personal.
Hermioen: No. I want to see what you were doing instead of studying. Let’s see. *Reads* ‘Played Quidditch with G. Talked to G. Watched movie with G. Gave random present to G.’
Harry: Hermione, give me back…
Hermione: Oh, Harry, you poor thing. I never knew!
Ron: Er, who’s ‘G’?
Harry and Hermione: …
Harry: Can I keep it?
Harry: B-but it followed me home! Pleeeeease?
Ron: Awww, come on, Hermione. It is kind of cute…
Hermione: Merlin’s pants, for the last time, NO. We are not going to keep every lost Hufflepuff that wanders in here. Even if it is cute.
Harry and Ron: But –