Week of March 21, 2010
Jack: ‘You’re going to tell me all you know about Horcruxes, or I’ll do more than just iron those hands!’
Replacing Daniel Radcliffe: Audition 1
Jack: Why’d you take my letters? Huh, punk? I’m not gonna ask you again!
Directors: CUT! NEXT!
Jack: *Walks away in shame*
Dobby: ‘But this isn’t 24! It’s only 9 and 3/4!’
Jack: You will tell me everything. Sit down!
Dobby: Oh, you’re a wonderful man!
Dobby: ‘Oh, goody! First we had George Clooney, then Robert Pattinson, and Dobby’s next! Dobby must be sexy!’
Dobby: Jack Bauer should be more careful. Jack Bauer will be in trouble with the station guards.
Jack Bauer: No one’s going to be upset over me roughing up a House Elf.
Dobby: No, I mean Jack Bauer will be in trouble for carrying a gun. That’s illegal in England.
Jack Bauer: Oh…
Dobby: Can you save Hogwarts quickly, Mr. Jack Bauer, sir?
Jack Bauer: ‘Quickly’? I’ll do it in twenty-four hours!
Dobby: Wow, that’s quick, sir.
Jack Bauer: The twenty-four hours will be interspersed over the course of a year. And I promise you that evil will be defeated in time for May sweeps!
Dobby: Dobby will forget this idea, sir.
Jack Bauer: WHERE ARE THE SOCKS?
Dobby: Dobby shan’t say anything without his lawyer present.
Dobby: ‘RAPE! RAPE!’
Jack: ‘Tell me, Dobby! When did this happen before; who’s doing it now?!’
Jack Bauer: Dobby, I need detailed background information on everyone in Harry Potter’s staff now.
Jack Bauer: Because, I think this is about him and I want us to be prepared…
Dobby: Wow, Jack, you’re a genius. What gave it up – the name in the title?
Dobby: Of course, Dobby will let Mr. Jack Bauer through the barrier – even though he is a Muggle, sir. Mr. Jack Bauer is just that awesome, sir.
Jack Bauer: That’s right.
Kiefer: I was expecting you in the fourth and fifth films and you weren’t there!
Dobby: But, it was the director -
Kiefer: No excuses! You’re going to pay for this!
Jack Bauer: Dobby! What are you doing?
Dobby: Dobby is going to close platform 9 3/4 so Harry Potter and Ron Weasley cannot come to Hogwarts because the Chamber of Secrets has been opened, no sir!
Jack Bauer: So you’re going to do all of that?
Dobby: Ya, pretty much.
Jack Bauer: Don’t even think about it.
Jack Bauer: ‘Did you put Harry’s name in the Goblet of Fire?‘
Dobby: ‘Excuse me, sir, but Dobby must tell you that… er… Dobby wiped his nose on this pillowcase, sir…’
-Fred is Dead
Two seconds later, Jack Bauer was suddenly suspect-less and covered in cake frosting.
Jack Bauer: Tell me, little elf! Where is it?!
Dobby: I don’t know!
Director: *Off-screen* Aaaand… cut! Nice work, Kiefer.
Kiefer Sutherland: Thanks man. I’m sorry, Dobby!
Dobby: That’s okay, Kiefer!
Director: Okay, people. Let’s take five.
Kiefer: Wanna go get a soda?
Dobby: Sure. *Hugs*
Jack: Just tell me where Potter is and no one gets hurt.
Dobby: Let me go, and we’ll talk.
Jack: Okay. *Releases*
Dobby: *Clicks fingers and disappears*
Jack: Every time!
Jack: ‘Where are the letters? Give them to me!’
This week’s special episode:
11am to 12pm – Harry and Ron make their way to Hogwarts in Mr. Weasley’s flying car while Jack investigates the reason behind the sealed barrier.
Dobby: And why won’t you let me through?
Guy: No shirt, no shoes, no service!
Dobby: I’m a house elf, I am not free. I am not allowed to wear proper clothes.
Guy: NO HOUSE ELVES!
Dobby: ‘Is it true that Master Bauer can go twenty-four hours without eating, drinking or visiting the wash closet?’
Driver: ‘You get on my subway! You harrass the passengers! You break a window! You try to pay with some big gold coins! You bang yourself into the walls! And then you make a pudding explode, and try to get out of it by teling me that you thought I was Harry Potter?!’
Man: ‘Stop trying to save Harry! He’s not in any trouble – the action is fake!’
If Jack Bauer had been on the case in Chamber of Secrets:
Dobby: All right, Dobby remembers! Lucius Malfoy put Tom Riddle’s diary in Ginny Weasley’s cauldron. It’ll force her to open the Chamber of Secrets!
Ron: So what are we gonna do for the whole rest of the year?
Jack: What did you do with the warhead codes? TELL ME!
Dobby: Dobby only cannot say, sir. Dobby only wants Mr. Jack Bauer to be safe, sir.
Jack: Are you the one who closed the barrier?
Dobby: Dobby didn’t want Jack to go back… Dobby is only thinking of Mr. Jack Bauer, sir… Dobby doesn’t want Jack to be hurt.
Jack: What are you talking about, Dobby?
Dobby: Harry Potter will be there, Sir. And Dobby knows how temperamental Harry can be…
Jack: *Nodding in agreement*
Jack: ‘Dobby! Don’t you ever hide a sock in my book again!’