Week of March 28, 2010
Harry: Why did Umbridge send me here? Britain has universal healthcare.
House: Well, now you’ll have to settle for New Jersey healthcare.
Harry: *Waking up* What am I doing here?
House: You were in a severe broomstick accident.
Harry: Am I going to live?
House: Unfortunately, no. Voldemort’s waiting in the clinic.
Harry: You’re just going to let him kill me?
Harry: That can’t be legal!
House: It isn’t. I’m doing it to annoy Cuddy.
Harry: Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat.
Doctor: How long have you had this feeling?
Harry: Ever since I was a kid.
Two days after he was sure he had defeated an evil wizard named Voldemort, Harry Potter woke up in a mental hospital with a paper wristband that said ‘John Smith’ and a sinking feeling that this was not a good sign.
House: Harry, you’ve been diagnosed with Blabiptaviustreptalimbadiagoitis. You have only 5 or 6 more years to live.
House: I’m just kidding.
House: But you really do only have 5 or 6 more years to live though.
House: Balloon? *Hands Harry balloon*
House: Well, Harry, it seems you have depression, severe migraines, and a peculiar skin disease that results in a scar.
Harry: Haven’t you ever watched the movies?
House: ‘What happened down on your rear end with an embarrassing rash is a complete secret; so, naturally, the whole school knows.’
Harry: Uncle House, am I going to live?
House: Yes, Harry, and happy birthday.
Harry: Professor Lupin?
House: Don’t be ridiculous; it’s never Lupin.
Dr. House: I’m sorry, Harry, you’ve only got 3 weeks to live.
Harry: What?! But all that happened was my arm got hit by a Bludger!
Dr. House: ….Let me check that chart again.
Dr. House: Mr. Potter, you have acute angina.
Harry: I came here to be examined, not admired!
Harry: I know why you are the way you are.
Harry: You got a vomit-flavored bean in childhood.
During this scene, Harry will…
a) start bleeding out of random places
b) start having a seizure.
c) admit a deep dark secret that may or may not be relevant to his cure.
d) call House an ‘arrogant arse’
e) all of the above.
Daniel Radcliffe: Isn’t it amazing how my film series has kept the same cast for ten years and did not have all the major actors except me randomly leave together after the first three years to be replaced by different characters?
Hugh Laurie: What’s your point?
House: Your mother died to save you. If there is one thing Voldemort cannot understand, it is love. He didn’t realize that love as powerful as your mother’s for you leaves its own mark. Not a scar, no visible sign… to have been loved so deeply, even though the person who loved us is gone, will give us some protection forever.
House: No, you have cancer.
Harry: Will my measles be better next week, doctor?
Dr. House: I don’t like to make rash promises.
House: ‘How is a raven like a writing desk?’
House: Mr. Potter, you’re awake! You’ve been asleep for almost a week.
Harry: I know I was battling Lord Voldemort, but the rest is fuzzy. Did we engage in an epic battle for the fate of the world, and I, so exhausted from the fight, fainted after slaying the Dark Lord, saving the world?
House: No. When you saw him, you walked towards him, tripped on your own shoelaces and hit your head on a table.
House: Pain in your scar? I happen to know a certain pill that could take care of that for you…
Harry: …Where’s Madam Pomfrey?
House: And when did this delusion that you’re a wizard start?
Harry: I am a wizard! They’re just trying to stop me from going back to Hogwarts!
Uncle Vernon: *Crocodile tears in eyes* We only want to help our little boy!
House: ‘Harry, you seem to be suffering from an acute case of voldeywillkillyou-itus…‘
House: A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down, Harry.
Harry: Really? ‘Cause Dudley’s always had 5 spoons…
Harry: So, who are you sleeping with this week?
House: You’re confusing us with Grey’s Anatomy.
Harry: Oh. Sorry…
Harry: I still feel very tired, doctor.
Dr. House: Didn’t you take those sleeping pills I gave you?
Harry: Well, they looked so peaceful in the little bottle that I didn’t want to wake them up…