Week of October 10, 2010
‘I will attempt to penetrate! You will attempt to resist!’
‘I told you what would happen if you missed the downbeat to Moonlight Serenade!’
Harry: You know, sir, you’re supposed to use a spoon or something to stir the tomato sauce.
Lupin: Don’t you dare! I’ve burnt my fingers and the spaghetti is full of curly arm-hair SO I’M PRETTY ANGRY RIGHT NOW!
Remus: What color tie was I wearing the first time I met Harry Potter?
Harry: Uh… is this a reasonable way to validate my identity? I’m not exactly… observant.
Remus: Good point. Fine, then. What color shirt is Ginny wearing now?
Harry: Ginny is here?!
‘Answer this carefully, Harry – am I holding my wand the wrong way ’round?’
‘What have you done with the rest of the jam, Harry?! Where is it?! I had to scrape what was left in the jar out with my hands – I NEED JAM!’
Lupin: Now, Harry, if you could hold still – we may still have a chance of fixing your ghastly, scrawny features…
Harry: Let – me – go!
Ginny: No, Lupin, keep going at it.
Lupin: D*mn it, Harry! You can’t go around pulling stupid sh*t like that! That stunt could have gotten you f&%*ing killed!
Harry and Ginny: *Horrified gasp*
Lupin: Ugh! I keep forgetting I can’t say that stuff in front of you guys, you’re only kids. D*mn. Ah! Oh sh*t, I MEAN SHOOT!
[Ginny enters the room]
Ginny: ‘…is this a bad time?’
‘I’m not dangerous! And I am not homeless…. anymore.’
Lupin: Avada… –
Harry: Ginny… a little help, please?
Ginny: *Continues to stare at Lupin’s haircut*
Lupin: How dare you steal my Witch Weekly magazines!
Harry: I’m sorry, Lupin, I just wanted to read about…
Harry: About kissing techniques. There’s a good one there… it’s entitled, ‘How to Kiss Like a Werewolf.’
Ginny: Oh, no wonder you have gotten worse, Harry!
Lupin: *Deathly stare*
Lupin: Harry, I swear, if you tell anyone that you’ve just seen me eat Bambi’s mother….
Ginny: *Walks in*
Lupin: Good to see you, Harry! Have a wonderful day, Ginny! *Walks off*
Harry and Ginny: …
Lupin: How dare you interrupt me during my weekly finger-painting session! My portrait of the Weasley family is completely ruined!
Harry and Ginny: …
Harry: Okay! I won’t make fun of your tweed suits again!
Lupin: Or the moustache?
Lupin: *Shakes Harry violently*
Harry: Okay, not the moustache either!
Lupin: Look into my eyes, the eyes, not around the eyes… you’re under. In a moment, I will ask you to be my baby’s Godfather, to which you will happily agree. Oh, and by the way, my moustache is super cool and flattering, so stop making fun of it and tell your friends you love it. And… you’re back in the room!
Ginny: I knew I never agreed to shoveling your driveway…
Ginny Weasley discovers slash fiction.
Lupin: We’ve been betrayed, Harry – what was I wearing the last time you saw me?!
Harry: Urrr… you were wearing a pink –
Lupin: Ahh! No, sorry… the time before that time…
Lupin: I’m only going to ask you once, Harry, CAKE OR DEATH?
Harry: Death? …No! I meant cake! I meant cake!
Lupin: What was the animal that you saw the first time you entered my office?
Harry: I don’t know; I’m Fleur Delacour!
Lupin: What was the creature sitting in the corner of my classroom the first time Harry Potter visited my office?!
Harry: I dunno –
Lupin: WHAT CREATURE?
Harry: Well, there was a Grindylow and there was a werewolf! Which one do you want?!
Remus: I AM YOUR FATHE-
Remus: LET ME FINISH! I am your father…’s best friend.
And so, after the 47th time of the game ‘splatter Remus with tomato sauce,’ Lupin finally loses it.
Daily Prophet – further evidence of the tragic effects of the chronic Open-Mouth Syndrome that is sweeping Britain.
Harry: What the heck are you doing?
Lupin: There’s a spider on your face – hold still!
Ginny: You’ll blast his face off!
Lupin: *To Ginny* Why do you think I told him to hold still?
Harry: Hello? Man with a spider on his face here!
Lupin: Sorry. *Knocks the spider off with his wand* There.
Harry and Ginny: …
Ginny: ‘It’s really not that big of a deal, Lupin, we used a condom.’
Lupin: Did you put your name in the Goblet of Fire? Did you?!
Harry: Uh, Professor, I think you’re a little behind on the times here. We’re in Deathly Hallows… you know, Part One?
Ginny: *Whispers to Hermione* I think he’s still pretty ticked off that he wasn’t in Goblet of Fire. Last week, we found him swimming in the lake searching for an egg and screaming at us in Mermish.
Hermione: *Off-screen* Really?
Lupin: *Screams at them in Mermish*