Week of August 4, 2013
Hermione: ‘Good afternoon, sir. I am here for your yearly haircut.’
Xenophilius: ‘Hello. I am the character your grandparents will confuse with Lucius Malfoy when you watch the films with them.’
‘Excuse me, good sir, but do you have a moment to talk about the teachings of Dumbledore?’
Xenophilius: Are you a Jehovah’s Witness?
Hermione: No, I’m Luna’s friend Hermione.
Xenophilius: Sorry, I’m only interested in seeing Jehovah’s Witnesses today. *Closes door*
Xenophilius: What? Luna has friends? Which means I have friends? And you’ve come to visit? We’ve been neighbors all these years and you finally acknowledge our existence! Thank you!
Hermione: Actually, we just came because we needed a favor. Then we’re going to insult your journalism skills, destroy your house and leave you at the mercy of Death Eaters.
Xenophilius: I’ll make tea!
‘You’ve arrived on a rather special night. It’s one of the master’s affairs…’
Hermione: I assure you, Mr. Lovegood, that all proceeds from the sale of these cookies go directly to benefit the poor enslaved house elves. S.P.E.W. is -
Mr. Lovegood: *Slams door*
Xenophilius: Luna, your date is here!
Hermione: We’re going on a double date.
Xenophilius: Which one of you scoundrels is taking out my daughter?
-The Doctor’s Daughter
Xenophilius: ‘I don’t want any Wizard Guide cookies, or another copy of the Encyclopedia Magicka. I make my own newspapers, and as you can see my lawn is already mowed. So, unless you’re offering house cleaning services, get off my doorstep.’
Xenophilius: How dare you dye your hair and insult the great Lovegood tradition of white, wispy and unkempt locks of fabulousness?! You look ridiculous!
Luna: But, Daddy -
Xenophilius: Get out! *Slams door*
Xenophilius: Hello? *Opens door* Who are you?
Hermione: I’m Hermione Granger, with my friends Ron Weasley and Harry Potter. We are on the run, wanted for 10,000 Galleons, and if you are caught talking to us without informing the Ministry, you will go to Azkaban or be taken hostage by Death Eaters.
Hermione: ‘Hello, my name is Hermione Granger, and I am from TLC’s What Not to Wear.’
Xenophilius: ‘PLEASE tell me you’re with the Girl Scouts – my supply of Thin Mints is getting dangerously low!’
‘Hi, Xen. I’m off to the shops. Do you fancy going halves on some conditioner?’
Xenophilius: ‘Are you the mail order brides I sent for?’
Hermione: Can Luna come out to play?
Mr. Lovegood: She is being punished… she climbed the dirigible plum tree.
Xenophilius: Come inside so you won’t see the Death Eater’s arriving.
Xenophilius: I mean – come inside so you won’t see the meth dealers thriving.
Hermione: Oh, I didn’t realize this was such a rough neighborhood.
Hermione: Hello, Mr. Lovegood. I am Hermione Granger, and these are my friends Ron Weasley and Harry Potter.
Xenophilius: Come on in! I will just be a moment. I need to make a call.
Hermione: Knock knock!
Xenophilius: Who’s there?
Hermione: Interrupting Kneazle.
Xenophilius: Interrupting Kneazle wh-
Xenophilius: Etgay outway ofway erehay, ethay Eathday Eatersway areway omingcay!
Ron: Is he trying to tell us something?
Xenophilius: Eathday Eatersway! Eathday Eatersway areway omingcay!
Hermione: I think he’s inviting us in.
Xenophilius: ‘Are you here to deliver the rest of my door?’
Hermione: ‘This mirror is cursed!’
‘My dirigible plums are NOT for sale.’
Xenophilius: ‘Stay right there! I don’t want to see what your hair looks like from the back!’
-The Doctor’s Daughter