Week of August 11, 2013
Death: What gift shall I give you?
Cadmus: I would like some arm muscles, please.
Shadowy Figure 1: ‘It will never work between us! I’m a stately figure from 17th Century Spain and you’re a badly drawn Where the Wild Things Are wannabe…
And then the second brother, who was an arrogant man, decided that he wanted to humiliate Death even further, and aked for Death’s most prized possession: A Klondike Bar, so that when asked ‘What would you do for a Klondike Bar?’, he would respond, ‘Conquer Death.’
‘I’d like to order some fries and a cheeseburger, please.’
‘Pardon me, would you have any Grey Poupon?’
Cadmus: But – I don’t want to die!
Death: Why not? We have all the cool characters, like Fred, Albus, and Sirius. Would you rather be stuck here with the boring ones?
Cadmus: Oh, all right.
Death: Good. Tuesday is beer pong night.
Cadmus: It’s okay, you can have it.
Death: No, no.
Cadmus: Really, you can have it.
Death: Okay. *Takes bottle*
Music: A Coke and a smiiiiile, makes me feel gooood!
Cadmus: See you around.
Death: Hey, kid, catch. *Tosses Invisibility Cloak*
Cadmus: Wow! Thanks, Death!
Cadmus: ‘These are not the wizards you’re looking for…’
‘So you say you’ve never heard of scoliosis?’
Cadmus: I wonder how many people had to go on Youtube to see which brother I am.
Death: Everyone except the really, really nerdy ones.
Hermione: *Reading* And Death spoke to them –
Harry: *Interrupting* I’m sorry – Death spoke to them?
Hermione: Yes, Harry! -with a Jamaiacan accent and challenged them to a limbo contest.
‘I burnt my tongue on this crepe, will you blow on it for me?’
‘Doth mother know you wear-eth her drapes?’
Cadmus: ‘Excuse me, sir, but are you interested in donating to the International Goatee-Growth Fund?’
Death: All right, just for that beard, you’re not getting a prize.
Cadmus: What? But –
Death: Moving on to the next brother, now!
Cadmus: I have a question. How can we all have died at the same time?
Death: …The salmon mousse!
Cadmus: You know, I kind of wanted to get my girl back, but how about I just ask for another one?
Death: Well, you asked for it. This is Dolores Umbridge.
Cadmus: Um… can I change my mind?
Death: And if you act now, you get two products and free shipping and handling!
Cadmus: Wow! What a deal! I’ll take you up on that.
Ignotus: But, Cadmus! We’re wizards; we don’t need a ‘slap-chop’!
Cadmus: But it’s such a deal!
Brother: ‘You fell into a mysterious pot of black paint, too, huh?’
Peverell Brother: ‘I desire a sandwich, larger than all other sandwiches…’
Cadmus: ‘How did I get stuck with Emma Watson narrating my life? I wanted Morgan Freeman…’
Cadmus: Shouldn’t Harry have died at the end of Deathly Hallows?
Death: I was in the Bahamas that week.
‘Hey, can I borrow your skull for a sec? I’m doing a production of Hamlet, and the prop guy has totally dropped the ball.’
Cadmus: Would you do me the kindness of-?
Cadmus: -lending me your cloak? I have a long walk home and it’s starting to snow…
‘You have dirt on your nose. Did you know? Just there.’
‘What do you mean I can’t have a Ferrari?!’
And Death spoke to them. He was angry that he had been cheated out of three new victims, for travelers usually drowned in the river. Therefore he bewitched a nearby tree to come crashing down and instantly squash the three brothers to a bloody pulp. Because Death was a cunning, but simple man.