Week of October 27, 2013
Voldemort: ‘Now, what do these runes say? Ma, de, in, Chi, na. Wait. What?’
Voldemort: ‘With the Elder Wand in my hand, I’ll be able to FORCE them to read my screenplay!’
‘Call me a silly ninny, but I expected something bigger… with sparkles.’
Voldemort: *Reading* TM Warner Bros.? This is nothing but a fake, resin copy!
Snape: Actually, my Lord, all our wands are made of resin. Apparently the producers don’t trust us with actual wood.
Voldemort: I can’t remember – is this scene from the end of Part 1 or the beginning of Part 2?
Snape: It’s both, sir.
Voldemort: No, that’s impossible.
Voldemort: My precious…
Voldemort: ‘Ah, the Elder Wand. You and I have many things to do together.’
In a montage: Voldemort and the wand riding a roller coaster; the two laying on a picnic blanket looking at the clouds; eating spaghetti a la Lady and the Tramp.
‘Wow… this wand is so powerful that I am getting some kind of a warm feeling inside! I believe it’s… called… happiness…… I HATE IT!’
‘I have the ultimate power of death, but… looking at my fingernails I think I may have two weapons…’
Voldemort: ‘Brr. It’s cold. I need some firewood. *Sets wand on fire.* Oh, nuts.’
‘Well, that wasn’t so hard. Now what do I do? I know! I’ll scream and shoot a bright light into the air. Aaaaaahhh!’
Voldemort texts on his phone with one hand while absentmindedly pointing his wand at Harry with the other.
‘I should have known not to trust Bellatrix with my knitting needle collection.’
-The Doctor’s Daughter
Voldemort: ‘With this wand… I can change my appearance so that people stop confusing me with Susan Sarandon.’
‘Huh… it looked bigger in the picture.’
Voldemort: At last, I have Dumbledore’s nose-sticker!
Snape: Excuse me?
Voldemort: Everyone thinks the main purpose of wands is to cast spells at your opponent, but actually they’re to stick up your opponents’ nose.
Snape: I did not know that, my Lord.
Voldemort: You didn’t think I had no nose by accident, did you?
Voldemort: *Reading* Thank you for your purchase of The Elder Wand. You can enjoy all your spell work with your new Elder Wand. Other functions of the wand include a knife, a compass, a telescope, a pen, a can opener…