(to the tune of “Rabbit Run” by Eminem.)
Numb haze: I just want to leave this cell of fear.
Cold steel pikes, I’m surrounded by a hell in here.
These dementors suck my life out, thoughts are seldom clear.
No highlights, just pain for twelve whole years.
In this cold must, I’m so pale and don’t smell revered.
A mental veil cast on this jail, they leer, Dementors hoarding my nostalgia near.
Vile, they jeer as they suck out barrels of tears.
I yell, it sears.
All I hope is to get out, until then peer
At this pic of the Weaselys in the Daily Prophet.
Oh well, that’s queer…
That old rat- it’s no other than my pal appeared.
I was in stellar trouble cuz that fella killed himself.
Left behind a little finger, spelled away in stealth.
Down a grill he left, through the walls he crept.
I wept, mourning over James and Lily’s death.
And then a load of cops came, grilled my chops.
‘The clink for this dude, won’t stand trial, just bail ‘im up.’
Cell inmates moan a lot, a goner wailing lots.
Full-grown mullet that is dusty and filled with crusts.
Still I clutch, to the hope that I’ll get out.
Lose them, yet, I’ma take the island route.
Why in doubt-
That I’ll fail to fool these three,
Dementors who guard me so art-fully.
Too hard? My heart is marred cuz mind is weak,
Fool-all those blinded guards with my hide-and-seek.
They’ll never find me with my neat canine body,
Pelt of curls, as black as night disguises me.
I got fleas to fight but I’m free from sight,
Y’all I flee through night.
And my plight is find that despiteful parasite.
Traitorous, now I’ll really kill him, set things right.
Yeah, I’ll bite and bite and bite…
To smite that pathetic dude.
You f***er Pete Pettigrew!
I’m dark light dim light.
Run through this shack that shrieks.
This Black, a knight here who’ll just hack Pete to vapour.
I’m destined in my quest.
If I could just get assistance, witnesses up confessing.
But they won’t come. Praying and hoping for just one.
Oh great, here comes Lupin!
Nope, not good enough, he’s a werewolf.
Too bad people scorn lycanthropes. Get scared off.
I’m merely a puff of nightmares, a bare myth.
All that I hold dear is Harry’s welfare and love.
I evade the prying eyes of Snape.
Try to guide Ron safe past this place.
Whomping Willow hits in a rage.
Underneath, I prowl the dark.
It tastes inspid when I nip his leg. I growl and bark.
My, a witch at Quidditch, Golden Snitch.
Harry Potter saw me sit there,
Now he’s startled, mouth open.
Hermione gets the bloody whole thing wrong.
She’s so wholesome and young.
Yep, a smart witch but watch your tongue!
A melee of speech… now Snape’s incensed.
He hates me, sees me and makes with his crazy rants.
But the kids listen to our tale of awful moments.
Make a decision and they care for lawful closure.
And now we are turnin’ on that hairless ball of vermin.
He cowers, but just like a Firebolt, we’re burning.
Um, Remus is teethin’ on us…
A minor setback, Pete’s shrinkin’ on us.
Through Forbidden Forest.
They got Black, save me, tied up under key and lock.
Buckbeak- what? Twice that they’ve freed me from wrath!
Gotta leave this dock, time to lift my pace,
But I’ma come back, godson, with gifts and much thanks- Witch!
In ground or ditch I’m gunna stay alive.
Just survive and hide, soon a goner in Book Five.
Yeah, I got a dream and I have hatched a plan.
I will flash past as fast as Nascar.