Voldemort’s Lament
to the tune of “American Pie” by Don McLean
(slowly, with great melancholy)
A long, long time ago,
I found James and Lily Potter
And their newborn babe.
And after I’d had time to boast,
The elder Potters both were toast
And then I thought I’d take some time to gloat.
But then I turned my wand on Harry
And probably looked really scary
Said my incantation, and met with devastation.
Then Hagrid took the boy away
To his Aunt and Uncle’s house to stay
And me, well I just slinked away,
The day that Harry lived.
So why, why won’t this Potter shmuck die?
How’s a four-eyed little nitwit
Make this Evil Lord cry?
I swear sometimes I wonder why I still try,
But someday that little freak’s gonna fry!
Someday that little freak’s gonna fry!
(faster tempo)
So first off I found this guy,
In Transylvania, on the sly,
Bent him to my evil will.
Then we went back to Hogwarts school,
Where my man Quirrel played the fool,
And Dumbledore, he didn’t have a clue!
Oh, but when the Sorcerer’s Stone was found,
That Harry brat came pokin’ round
He kicked old Quirrel’s ass,
How long will that Lily’s spell last?!
I was a formless blob of floating muck,
Not much more than fumes from a pickup truck,
And I knew I was out of luck,
The day that Harry lived.
I started singin’
Why, why won’t this Potter shmuck die?
How’s a four-eyed little nitwit
Make this Evil Lord cry?
I swear sometimes I wonder why I still try,
But someday that little freak’s gonna fry!
Someday that little freak’s gonna fry!
So a year passed and the Malfoy clan
They came up with a nifty plan
For a diary; a younger, hotter me.
Old Lucius planted it with Ginny’s books
As he and Art exchanged dirty looks
Then the Chamber opened and the Basilisk was free
Oh, and chaos gripped that little school,
But once again the Fates were cruel
Old Harry wasn’t beat
Even poisoned he kept his feet
For in Dumbledore the twit did trust,
And killed my book with a single thrust
While I was moaning in disgust
The day that Harry lived.
I started singin’
Why, why won’t this Potter shmuck die?
How’s a four-eyed little nitwit
Make this Evil Lord cry?
I swear sometimes I wonder why I still try,
But someday that little freak’s gonna fry!
Someday that little freak’s gonna fry!
Whirling, twirling, through the story’s curvings,
Avoiding still all his just deservings,
Harry wouldn’t kick the can!
But with Sirius out of Azkaban
Dementors swarmed the school to find their man
And our hero found a weakness at last
Now, the end was not a total loss,
‘Cause old Pettigrew, he found his boss.
Came running back to me,
Oh, and fell on bended knee!
So the prophecy was coming true at last
And soon the flags would hang at half-mast
And someday I’d look back and laugh:
The day that Harry lived
Yet still, I’m singin’
Why, why won’t this Potter shmuck die?
How’s a four-eyed little nitwit
Make this Evil Lord cry?
I swear sometimes I wonder why I still try,
But someday that little freak’s gonna fry!
Someday that little freak’s gonna fry!
Well, it’s been a depressing climb,
With three years lost to a waste of time
And no time left to start again.
So come on Harry Potter play the game
We’ll get the Goblet to spit out your name
And if the challenges don’t kill you, I sure will
Well, long tale short, he took the bait,
And came at last to face his Fate
And in that scary hell, I finally broke his spell!
And yet again I was compelled to lose this fight,
And Potter escaped into the night
And I could only rave and curse in spite
The day that Harry lived
I started singin’
Why, why won’t this Potter shmuck die?
How’s a four-eyed little nitwit
Make this Evil Lord cry?
I swear sometimes I wonder why I still try,
But someday that little freak’s gonna fry!
Someday that little freak’s gonna fry!
(slowly again, as in the first verse)
Why won’t this cycle ever end?
Will my shattered ego never mend?
Or is this just the way it goes?
I guess one day the end I’ll see,
When it comes down just to him and me
But until then what’s the story gonna be?
For in the streets they laud his name,
They sing his praises and shout my shame
And amid all that is spoken,
My confidence is broken!
And the destiny that I’ll always dread,
I’ll never see that brat Harry dead
Is always there inside my head?
Each time that Harry lives.
And I’ll be singin’
Why, why won’t this Potter shmuck die?
How’s a four-eyed little nitwit
Make this Evil Lord cry?
I swear sometimes I wonder why I still try,
But someday that little freak’s gonna fry!
Someday that little freak’s gonna fry!
I’ll be singin’
Why, why won’t this Potter shmuck die?
How’s a four-eyed little nitwit
Make this Evil Lord cry?
I swear sometimes I wonder why I still try,
But someday that little freak’s gonna fry!
Submitted by: Jonathan Henson