Week of January 5, 2014
Ron: ‘Look, it’s the one – and only – Quidditch trophy the Chudley Cannons ever won. I know Bellatrix is evil, but…’
Ron: Okay, stay focused!
Harry: Ah, sorry, I have ADOS.
Harry: Yes. Attention deficit-OOH SHINY!
It was then that they happened upon Gilderoy Lockhart’s bedazzling quarters.
Ron: Hey, I have an idea! Why don’t we start stealing from the rich and giving to the poor?
Harry: Would you happen to be the poor person we’d be giving to?
Ron: Not always. We’d give to other poor people now and then so it wouldn’t look suspicious.
Hermione: ‘Blimey, Harry! Your room is a mess!’
Hermione: Harry, you never used to have this much nonsense lying around your house?
Harry: Never give your fan-base your home address, Hermione, NEVER.
Hermione: Accio Horcrux!
Harry: Try the other pronunciation of ‘Accio.’ The movies can’t seem to settle on one.
Harry: ‘Look sharp; the rest of the Diagon Alley Park plans are in here somewhere…’
Ron: ‘Well, being a Death Eater sure seems to pay well enough…’
Harry: ‘All right. Our first priority is to see if we can find a hair dryer in here…’
Harry: ‘Unbelievable. Bellatrix has managed to steal ALL the props from Downton Abbey and hide them in her vault.’
Ron: Can you feel anything, Harry?
Harry: Yes. I feel wet, cold, tired, and a bit hungry.
Ron and Hermione: *Stare blankly at Harry*
Harry: Oh! You meant if I feel the Horcrux! Right.
Harry: Which one is it?
Grail Knight: You must choose. But choose wisely. For while the true Grail will bring you life, the false Grail will take it from you.
The trio feverishly searched for the thing that would make Miley Cyrus stop twerking.
Hermione: ‘You know… Bellatrix kept a lot of odd things. Candle holders, cups, Han Solo frozen in carbonite, Beatles memorabilia, encyclopedias, silverware, lovely mirrors, a Mickey Mouse costume head, a Miss Piggy plush, Tupperware, a koi pond, a guide to enslaving your boss, beautiful turtleneck sweaters, old Muggle cameras, a fine collection of wine, a map showing where my parents are in Australia, Jamie Oliver cookbooks, the entire series of The Sopranos…
Harry: Ron, don’t take that.
Ron: Would you believe me if I said it has finders keepers inscribed on it?
Hermione: Um, what are we going to do to get out of here now that the Polyjuice wore off and the whole bank knows we’re breaking in?
Harry: Let’s wing it.
Bellatrix awoke sweating from a horrible dream for the third time in a week. She just knew those novelty golden Trio night lights would give her nightmares…
Hermione: And this is where I keep everything I’ve stolen from Hollywood celebrities.
Harry: I thought we were done with The Bling Ring references.
Ron: *Whimpers* I’m scared, guys. What if we can’t find the cup?
Harry: Do something to take your mind off it.
Ron: *Sings* I’m Dorothy the Dinosaur-
Harry: –Without singing a Wiggles song.
Harry: This is a really cool scene. It should have been on the book cover.
Hermione: Don’t be stupid, Harry.
Hermione: Guys, hiding in this cave won’t protect us from the flood. We have to get on my father’s ark.
Harry: Your father’s ‘ark?’
Hermione: Yes, in theatres March 28th!