Week of January 19, 2014
Voldemort: And now, Harry… It is time for you to die. I have waited-
Voldemort: Whose phone is that? You interrupted my dramatic speech!
Voldemort could only watch as the super-termites devoured his house in seconds. He knew Dumbledore had won this round.
‘Blast. Tickets are sold out to the Celine Dion concert.’
Voldemort regretted buying tickets to the Miley Cyrus concert.
Voldemort: ‘They’re destroying my Horcruxes! How could this happen when I worked so hard to choose objects of great significance to me and then hide them in meaningfully significant places?’
‘If I did things during the day, I could get a tan and not be mocked when I holiday in Hawaii…’
A sudden realization hit Voldemort. If he ran into a wall, he would break his entire face… not just a nose.
That was when Voldemort realized there was no escape for the wicked people like himself. The flood waters were rising, and Hermione was safe aboard Noah’s Ark.
‘Oh, gosh, I killed that cat. Oh, no! Now they will retract my Greenpeace membership!’
Harry: God, Voldy, stop being so nosy!
Voldemort: *Loss for words*
That was when Voldemort realized there were some things he just wouldn’t do for a Klondike bar.
‘This is unthinkable. I’m not going anywhere without my Spongebob plush.’
Voldemort: ‘Now remember, students, the key to becoming a great wizard is to keep your nose to the grindstone. Just… keep it there, until it has been completely worn off. Any questions?’
Draco: ‘Okay, so I know we really care about blood-purity and all, but I’m really in love with this Muggle-born girl, see? So I was wondering if just this once you could… um, judging from your face, I’m getting the feeling that this was a really stupid thing to ask you…’
‘I’m still not over the cancellation of Laguna Beach.‘
And suddenly, it dawned on him. And repulsed him. Bellatrix had been FLIRTING…
Voldemort: Severus, I’m concerned that you’re not really on my side.
Snape: What makes you say that?
Voldemort: That ten-foot high poster of Lily Evans.
Snape: Oh, is that Lily? Ha, ha, I didn’t even notice. I thought it was just some cute redhead. Ha, ha, funny things happen, right?
Voldemort: Ha, ha, you’re fired.
Voldemort: Death Eaters, you must go and destroy Hogwarts. They said I’m not allowed on Splash Mountain.
Bellatrix: That’s Disneyland.
Voldemort: Oops. Wrong castle.
Voldemort: ‘You mean the prophecy could be about Neville? Just what I want my epitaph to read… Killed by a Longbottom.‘
Voldemort: I can’t wait for the Diagon Alley Park to open! And after I’ve thoroughly explored it, I’ll check out the awesome Jaws ride!
Lucius: You want to tell him, or should I?
‘We must first take a roll call before the battle. As we have some ogres that don’t speak any human language, this will take hours… but if I know that everyone is here, I will be less stressed.’
‘Wait! Is that a wig sale I see?!’
Why was the picture of only Voldemort’s face? No body nose…
Voldemort: ‘What do you mean I’m not the fairest of them all?!’