483 ½ Wizolympics – Day 2 Update: Snow Shoveling (Squib Games)
Snow Shoveling, the only Squib event in the Wizolympics, experienced a delay today as the self-named WETS (Witches for the Ethical Treatment of Squibs) staged a show-stopping protest.
“This is a horrible event that should be outlawed,” explained WETS founder Ira Tater before her arrest under suspicion of using the Imperius Curse on Australian Squib and first time competitor Perrick Ackerman. Russian Ministry officials subdued the shovel-yielding Ackerman, who took out three officials and a judge. Mediwizards on site restored his mind to what his parents claim was its usual function.
The semi-peaceful pre-game protest by Squib rights activists turned into a bedlam when a foolish witch tried to disarm three-time gold medalist Diggory Pitts of his newly-issued Firebolt shovel. Clearly, she hadn’t read his rap sheet, which includes twelve counts of destroying Muggle property, leading him to be the first Squib to be charged with Muggle-baiting. Victimized Muggles’ memories and the Muggle authorities laid the blame for the destroyed homes on undetected sinkholes.
In the end, ministry officials were forced to use Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder to subdue the WETS, though not before they hit Madden Foly (UK) and Chetan Chowdhury (India) with a Full Body-Bind Curse and a Stunning Spell in order to further delay the start of the much-loved games.
“It’s all they have,” lamented American spectator Daisy Wright, “and it makes them happy to have something they can do and win at. We should encourage them and offer more Squib games. Maybe a Toilet Scrubbing Marathon? My cousin is a Squib, and she loves Muggle house chores.”
Toilet scrubbing aside, the Snow Shoveling Games are underway and not a moment too soon. The Russian Muggle government is planning to pump in 710,000 cubic meters of snow into the tropical Sochi with 400 “snow machines” and Muggle-induced avalanches. Not to worry, the Russian Ministry Department of Magical Games and Sports, with the aide of the British Ministry, is managing the prevention of any potential Muggle-induced disasters.
The Snow Shoveling competitors are as follows:
US – Diggory Pitts (reigning gold medalist)
France – Fulbert Bonheur (Witch Weekly’s Most Charming Smile Award winner two years running)
India – Chetan Chowdhury (5th generation Squib)
Mexico – Ophelia Pancho (Only female contestant to ever enter the games)
Italy – Berti Belloni
UK – Madden Foly (five-time bronze medalist and proud of it)
Australia – Perrick Ackerman (Rookie, accomplished at the Muggle game of table tennis)
Rules: No magic, magical creatures, or unsuspecting Muggles allowed to assist players. Wizolympics-issued shovels only are to be used. (Thank you to the Firebolt company for providing the shovels and to Februus Flitwick for bewitching them with a Weighing Spell. These precautions have been taken to prevent accusations by contestants of being slighted in their snow count.) All shoveling must be deemed “constructive” or “productive” to the games to prevent plowing of the other games’ arenas and tracks. The game will run for the duration of the Wizolympics. The player who shovels the most snow wins!
Reporting live from the 2014 Sochi Wizolympics,