Week of February 9, 2014
Aberforth: ‘Would you believe I’m Katy Perry?’
Aberforth: ‘…and after the Death Eaters drove away Hogsmeade’s only barber, I just let myself go.’
Aberforth: At last, I get to meet the famous Harry Potter! Wait, you’re not a goat?
Harry: I think your brother told you that to make you more interested in meeting me.
Aberforth: Probably. I do love goats.
Aberforth: ‘Do not fight, Harry. Fighting and stress makes you look older. I am only 25.’
Aberforth: ‘It started as a bet between Albus and I to see who could go the longest without shaving or cutting our hair. I’d happily get a military cut tomorrow, but then he’d win…’
Ron: What are you talking about?!
Aberforth: Important stuff for the Order. Nothing that would interest you.
Ron: You’re making fun of the Chudley Cannons, aren’t you?!
Aberforth: Sort of.
Aberforth: They took it all away from me. My house with pool, private tennis court, 5-car-garage, my pets, my paintings worth millions, my butlers, maids, housekeepers, gardeners, everything.
Harry: Those Death Eaters can be brutal.
Aberforth: No, no, it wasn’t that lot. It was my ex-wife’s lawyers…
Harry: Look at that sarcophagus! It’s so lifelike!
Aberforth: I’m real, and alive, you twit!
Ron: A talking sarcophagus… that’s some magic!
Aberforth: ‘All right. I’ll let you into the castle, but I warn you: this is your last chance to prevent the epilogue where you name your son ”Albus Severus”.’
Aberforth: ‘Two beautiful wizards stand before me. But I only have one photo in my hand. The winner of Hogsmeade’s Next Top Model is…’
Aberforth: Things are going well for me. I met a woman, moved in with her for a few months. But then she kicked me out.
Harry: What happened?
Aberforth: She found out I was there.
Aberforth: I just hope the Fantastic Beasts movie will have goats in it.
Harry: I don’t think goats count as fantastic beasts.
Aberforth: They’re fantastic to me. I would trade a dozen dragons for one goat.
Harry: Why don’t you just buy yourself a goat?
Aberforth: I would, but the judge was very clear on that point.
Aberforth: *Over-dramatically* The death toll is catastrophic! We must bow to their wishes. Your Highness… Please tell us what to do! If you can hear us, Your Highness, you must contact me.
Harry: That was too much. I see why you didn’t get the role.