Snape’s Hogwarts Survival Tips

It seems the new school year is starting soon, and with that comes new dunderheads masquerading as students. I have been asked to give some advice, apparently so that they can adjust more quickly. Therefore, I have created a list of rules I strongly suggest you follow.


1. Actually pick up a book for once in your miserable lives.

If you want to have even the smallest chance of passing my class, I suggest you actually open your textbooks and read them sometimes. Far too often, students come into my class who clearly haven’t even bothered to crack open a book all summer. A certain Mr. Potter comes to mind.


2. Beware of pranksters and other idiots.

I’m sure such delinquents might seem to be a good source of amusement for you dunderheads, but I know from experience that such people are only useless, arrogant accidents waiting to happen. Sooner or later, they always end up going a step too far and then someone’s in danger. Not that any backlash ever truly falls on the perpetrators, though. They’re simply let off the hook with a simple admonishment and a pat on the back. So for the sake of your own safety, I recommend staying as far away as possible.


3. Do not even think about messing around in class.

It’s bad enough I have to deal with your mediocre talent as is. I do not need you to make things worse with your foolish behavior. As such, listen when I am speaking and learn to pay attention! Furthermore, should I discover any attempts at sabotage, such as the throwing of fireworks in my classroom, I will make the saboteur regret even contemplating such an action, before ensuring that they are expelled.


4. Show your teachers some respect.

When I say showing respect, I do not just mean paying attention in class. I am also referring to those ridiculous nicknames you give us. Yes, I can hear you when you call me an overgrown bat, and I assure you that I do not find it the least bit amusing. Additionally, none of you is nearly as humorous or original as you seem to believe. As such, I will not hesitate to give you detention over it, so learn to bite your tongues and keep such witticisms to yourselves.


5. Don’t be a know it all and try to show off.

While I can appreciate studiousness, there is a difference between being prepared and being insufferable. Just because you know the answer does not mean you have to insistently wave your hand around to try and draw everyone’s attention to how clever you are. I will not reward such behavior, as I find it deeply irritating. As such, I recommend that all you Ravenclaws, as well as Miss Granger, learn to keep your hands down and your mouths shut.


6. Never attempt to steal from me.

Should I even suspect that you have stolen something from my stores, I assure you, it will not end well for you. As Potions Master, I have access to quite a few interesting concoctions, including some that will loosen your tongues. And once I have a confession of guilt from you, I can issue a suitable punishment, which for the crime of stealing from me, is a year’s worth of detention at the very least, if not immediate expulsion.


7. Don’t be a Gryffindor.

The last thing the world needs is more students playing at being heroes, constantly running off and getting themselves in trouble for the sake of adventure. They are nothing more than attention-seeking fools who put themselves and others in danger in order to soothe their own egos. Allow me to assure you, such behavior is not acceptable and I will not tolerate it. Therefore, if you truly want to survive Hogwarts, do not become a Gryffindor.