------------------------------------------

"I know I messed up Ancient Runes," muttered Hermione feverishly. "I definitely made at least one serious mistranslation. And the Defense Against the Dark Arts practical was no good at all. I thought Transfiguration went all right at the time, but looking back..."
"Hermione, will you shut up? You're not the only one who's nervous!" barked Ron. "And when you've got your eleven 'Outstanding OWLs...'"
"Don't, don't, don't!" said Hermione, flapping her hands hysterically. "I know I've failed everything!"

------------------------------------------

------------------------------------------

"I don't want to stay here overnight," said Harry angrily, sitting up and throwing back his covers. "I want to find McLaggen and kill him."
"I'm afraid that would come under the heading of 'overexertion,'" said Madam Pomfrey.

------------------------------------------

"Yeah, like you'd dare do magic out of school," sneered Malfoy. "Who blacked your eye, Granger? I want to send them flowers."

------------------------------------------

"You're right," said Hermione, prodding Ron out of the chair with her foot and offering it to the first year again. "It wasn't very well thought-out at all."
"But since when has Malfoy been one of the world's great thinkers?" asked Harry.
Neither Ron nor Hermione answered him.

------------------------------------------

"You could say sorry," suggested Harry bluntly.
"What, and get attacked by another flock of canaries?" muttered Ron.
"What did you have to imitate her for?"
"She laughed at my mustache!"
"So did I, it was the stupidest thing I've ever seen."
"And speaking of hitherto unsuspected skills, Ronald," said George, "what is this we hear from Ginny about you and a young lady called - unless our information is faulty - Lavender Brown?"
Ron turned a little pink, but did not look displeased as he turned back to the sprouts. "Mind your own business."
"What a snappy retort," said Fred. "I really don't know how you think of them. No, what we wanted to know was ... how did it happen?"
"What d'you mean?"
"Did she have an accident or something?"
"What?"
"Well, how did she sustain such extensive brain damage?"

------------------------------------------

"I would assume that you were going to offer me refreshment," Dumbledore said to Uncle Vernon, "but the evidence so far suggests that that would be optimistic to the point of foolishness."

------------------------------------------

"There's a boy been in here crying?" asked Harry curiously. "A young boy?"
"Never you mind," said Myrtle, her small, leaky eyes fixed on Ron, who was now definitely grinning. "I promised I wouldn't tell anyone, and I take his secret to the-"
"-not to the grave, surely?" snorted Ron. "The sewers maybe..."

------------------------------------------

"There is no way they'd let me be a Death Eater!" said Ron indignantly, a bit of sausage flying off the fork he was now brandishing at Hermione and hitting Ernie Macmillan on the head. "My whole family are blood traitors! That's as bad as Muggle-borns to Death Eaters!"
"And they'd love to have me," said Harry sarcastically. "We'd be best pals if they didn't keep trying to do me in."

------------------------------------------

"It would take more zan a werewolf to stop Bill loving me!"
"Well, yes, I'm sure," said Mrs. Weasley, "but I thought perhaps -- given how -- how he --"
"You thought I would not weesh to marry him? Or per'aps, you 'oped?" said Fleur, her nostrils flaring. "What do I care how he looks? I am good looking enough for both of us, I theenk!"

------------------------------------------

"And then I called out, 'Who's there?'"
"You couldn't have found out who it was without asking?" Harry asked her, slightly frustrated.
"The Inner Eye," said Professor Trelawney with dignity, straightening her shawls and many strands of glittering beads, "was fixed upon matters well outside the mundane realms of whooping voices."
"Right," said Harry hastily; he had heard about Professor Trelawney's Inner Eye all too often before. "And did the voice say who was there?"
"No, it did not," she said. "Everything went pitch black and the next thing I knew, I was being hurled headfirst out of the Room!"
"And you didn't see that coming?" said Harry, unable to help himself.
"No, I did not, as I say, it was pitch -" She stopped and glared at him suspiciously.

------------------------------------------

"Oh, I'm so sorry," said Dumbledore politely, and he raised his wand again. All three glasses vanished. "But it would have been better manners to drink it, you know."

------------------------------------------

"There isn't anyone I want to invite," mumbled Harry, who was still trying not to think about Ginny any more than he could help, despite the fact the fact that she kept cropping up in his dreams in ways that made him devoutly thankful that Ron could not perform Legilimency.

------------------------------------------

He had known Ginny for years now....It was natural that he should feel protective...natural that he should want to look out for her...want to rip Dean limb from limb for kissing her...No...he would have to control that particular brotherly feeling....

------------------------------------------

She's Ron's sister
But she's ditched Dean!
She's still Ron's sister.
I'm his best mate!
That'll make it worse.
If I talked to him first--
He'd hit you.
What if I don't care?
He's your best mate!

------------------------------------------

Harry gaped at him. He had not expected this and was not sure he wanted to hear it. Friends they might be, but if Ron started calling Lavender "Lav-Lav," he would have to put his foot down.

------------------------------------------

"I enjoyed the [DA] meetings, too," said Luna serenely. "It was like having friends."

------------------------------------------

"I don't think you should be an Auror, Harry," said Luna unexpectedly. Everybody looked at her. "The Aurors are part of the Rotfang Conspiracy, I thought everyone knew that. They're planning to bring down the Ministry of Magic from within using a combination of Dark Magic and gum disease."

------------------------------------------

Non-verbal spells were now expected, not only in Defense Against the Dark Arts, but in Charms and Transfiguration too. Harry frequently looked over at his classmates in the common room or at mealtimes to see them purple in the face and straining as though they had overdosed U-No-Poo.

------------------------------------------

Harry looked around; there was Ginny running towards him; she had a hard, blazing look in her face as she threw her arms around him. And without thinking, without planning it, without worrying about the fact that fifty people were watching, Harry kissed her.
After several moments - or it might have been half an hour - or possibly several sunlit days - they broke apart. The room had gone very quiet. Then several people wolf-whistled and there was an outbreak of nervous giggling. Harry looked over the top of Ginny's head to see Dean Thomas holding a shattered glass in his hand and Romilda Vane looking as though she might throw something. Hermione was beaming, but Harry's eyes sought Ron. At last he found him, still clutching the Cup and wearing an expression appropriate to having been clubbed over the head. For a fraction of a second the looked at each other, then Ron gave a tiny jerk of the head that Harry understood to mean, "Well - if you must."

------------------------------------------

"Aaah, George, look at this. They're using knives and everything. Bless them."
"I'll be seventeen in two and a bit months' time," said Ron grumpily,"and then I'll be able to do it by magic!"
"But meanwhile," said George, sitting down at the kitchen table and putting his feet up on it, "We can enjoy watching you demonstrate the correct use of a - whoops-a-daisy."
"You made me do that!' said Ron angrily, sucking his cut thumb. "You wait, when I'm seventeen-"
"I'm sure you'll dazzle us with hitherto unsuspected magical skills," yawned Fred.

------------------------------------------

"That's already Harry's, idiot," said Bill (to Ron). "I got it out of your vault for you, Harry, because it's taking about five hours for the public to get their gold at the moment, the goblins have tightened security so much. Two days ago Arkie Philpott had a Probity Probe stuck up his... Well, trust me, this way's easier."

------------------------------------------

"Professor, why couldn't we just Apparate directly into your old colleague's house?"
"Because it would be quite as rude as kicking down the front door," said Dumbledore.

------------------------------------------

"Er-well-ghosts are transparent-" he said
"Oh, very good," interrupted Snape, his lip curling. "Yes, it is easy to see that nearly six years of magical education have not been wasted on you, Potter. Ghosts are transparent."

------------------------------------------

"...You have not asked me, for instance, what is my favorite flavor of jam, to check that I am indeed Professor Dumbledore and not an impostor."
"I didn't..." Harry began, not entirely sure whether he was being reprimanded or not.
"For future reference, Harry, it is raspberry... although of course, if I were a Death Eater, I would have been sure to research my own jam preferences before impersonating myself."

------------------------------------------

"It looks like he's eating her face, doesn't it?" said Ginny dispassionately. "But I suppose he's got to refine his technique somehow."

------------------------------------------

"Bill told me 'ow Fred and george are very amusing!" said Fleur, smiling serenely.
"Yes, I can hardly breathe for laughing," snapped Hermione.

------------------------------------------

"Women," [Ron] said wisely to Harry, "they're easily upset."
"And yet," said Hermione, coming out of her reverie, "I doubt you'd find a woman who sulked for half an hour because Madam Rosmerta didn't laugh at their joke about the hag, the Healer, and the Mimbulus mimbletonia."

------------------------------------------

He [Slughorn] seemed remarkably unabashed for a man who had just been discovered pretending to be an armchair.

------------------------------------------

"Madam Rosmerta's finest oak-matured mead," said Dumbledore, raising his glass to Harry, who caught hold of his own and sipped. He had never tasted anything like it before, but enjoyed it immensely.
The Dursleys, after quick, scared looks at one another, tried to ignore their glasses completely, a difficult feat, as they were nudging them gently on the sides of their heads. Harry could not suppress a suspicion that Dumbledore was rather enjoying himself.

------------------------------------------

"About You-Know-Who. He said his 'gift for spreading discord and enmity is very great. We can fight it only by showing an equallystrong bond of friendship and trust-'"
"How do you remember stuff like that?" asked Ron, looking at her in admiration.
"I listen, Ron," said Hermione, with a touch of asperity.

------------------------------------------

How d'you spell 'belligerent'?" said Ron, shaking his quill very hard while staring at his parchment. "It can't be B - U - M -"
"No, it isn't," said Hermione, pulling Ron's essay toward her.
"And 'augury' doesn't begin O - R - G either. What kind of quill are you using?" "It's one of Fred and George's Spell-Check ones..but I think the charm must be wearing off.."
"Yes, it must," said Hermione, pointing at the title of his essay, "because we were asked how we'd deal with Dementors, not 'Dugbogs,' and I don't remember you changing your name to 'Roonil Wazlib' either."
"Ah no!" said Ron, staring horror-struck at the parchment. "Don't say I'll have to write the whole thing out again!"
"It's okay, we can fix it," said Hermione, pulling the essay toward her and taking out her wand.
"I love you, Hermione," said Ron, sinking back in his chair, rubbing his eyes wearily.
Hermione turned faintly pink, but merely said, "Don't let Lavender hear you saying that."

-------------------------------------------

Dangling from the chain in large gold letters were the words: MY SWEETHEART.
"Nice," he said. "Classy. You should definitely wear it in front of Fred and George."
"If you tell them," said Ron, shoving the necklace out of sight and under his pillow, "I -- I -- I'll --"
"Stutter at me?" said Harry, grinning.

-------------------------------------------

"I don't mean to be rude-- " he began, in a tone that threatened rudeness in every syllable.
"-- yet, sadly, accidental rudeness occurs alarmingly often, " Dumbledore finished the sentence gravely, "Best to say nothing at all, my dear man."

-------------------------------------------

"I would assume that you were going to offer me refreshment," Dumbledore said to Uncle Vernon, "but that would be optimistic to the point of foolishness."

--------------------------------------------

"Promise me you'll look after yourself....Stay out of trouble."
"I always do, Mrs. Weasley," said Harry. "I like a quiet life, you know me."

--------------------------------------------

"Just because he's never snogged anyone in his life, just because the best kiss he's ever had is from our Aunt Muriel-"
"Shut your mouth!" bellowed Ron, bypassing red and turning maroon.
"You don't know what you're talking about!" Ron roared, trying to get a clear shot at Ginny around Harry, who was now standingin front of her with his arms outstretched. "Just because I don't do it in public-!"
Ginny screamed with derisive laughter, trying to push Harry out of the way. "Been kissing Pigwidgeon, have you? Or have you got a picture of Aunt Muriel stashed under your pillow?"

--------------------------------------------

Book 5 | Return to Funny Excerpts | Page One

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