Funny Excerpts

Funny Excerpts from the Seventh Book Page One | Page Three
He held out his hand, and Scrimgeour leaned forward again and placed the Snitch, slowly and deliberately, into Harry’s palm.
Nothing happened. As Harry’s fingers closed around the Snitch, its tired wings fluttered and were still.
Scrimgeour, Ron, and Hermione continued to gaze avidly at the now partially concealed ball, as if still hoping it might transform in some way.
“That was dramatic,” said Harry coolly.
Both Ron and Hermione laughed.
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“And as for this book,” said Hermione, “The Tales of Beedle the Bard … I’ve never even heard of them!”
“You’ve never heard of The Tales of Beetle the Bard?” said Ron incredulously. “You’re kidding, right?
“No, I’m not!” said Hermione in surprise. “Do you know them, then?”
“Well, of course I do!”
Harry looked up, diverted. The circumstance of Ron having read a book that Hermione had not was unprecedented.
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Luna: “Daddy, look – one of the gnomes actually bit me!”
“How wonderful! Gnome saliva is enormously beneficial!” said Mr. Lovegood, seizing Luna’s outstretched finger and examining the bleeding puncture marks.
“Luna, my love, if you should feel any burgeoning talent today – perhaps an unexpected urge to sing opera or to declaim in Mermish – do not repress it! You may have been gifted by the Gernumblies!”
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“Expec – Expecto Patronum,” said Hermione. Nothing happened.
“It’s the only spell she ever has trouble with,” Harry told a completely bemused Mrs. Cattermole. “Bit unfortunate, really.”
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Hermione: “’And Death spoke to them – ’”
“Sorry,” interjected Harry, “but Death spoke to them?”
“It’s a fairy tale, Harry!
“Right, sorry. Go on.”
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“Why are they all staring?” demanded Albus as he and Rose craned around to look at the other students.
“Don’t let it worry you,” said Ron. “It’s me. I’m extremely famous.”
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The real Harry thought that this might just be the most bizzarre thing he had ever seen, and he had seen some extremely odd things. He watched as his six doppelgangers rummaged in the sacks, pulling out sets of clothes, putting on flasses, stuffing their own things away. He felt like asking them to show a little more respect for his privacy as they all began stripping off with impunity, clearly much more at ease with displaying his body than they would have been with their own.
"I knew Ginny was lying about that tattoo," said Ron , looking down at his bare chest.
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"So that's little Scorpius,"said Ron under his breath. "Make sure you beat him in every test Rosie.Thank God you inherited your mother's brains."
"Ron for heaven's sake,"said Hermione, half stern, half amused. "Don't try to turn them against each other before they've even started school!"
"You're right, sorry," said Ron. But unable to help himself, he added "Don't get too friendly with him, though Rosie. Granddad Weasley would never forgive you if you married a pureblood."
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"There was the sound of pattering feet, a blaze of shining copper, an echoing clang, and a shriek of agony: Kreacher had taken a run t Mundungus and hit him over the head with a saucepan.
"Call 'im off, call 'im off, 'e should be locked up!" screamed Mundungus, cowering as Kreacher raised the heavy-bottomed pan again.
"Kreacher, no!" Shouted Harry.
Kreacher's thin arms trembled with the weight of the pan, still held aloft. "Perhaps just one more, Master Harry, for luck?"
Ron laughed.
"We need him conscious, Kreacher, but if he needs persuading you can do the honors," said HArry.
"Thank you very much, Master."
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"There was a clatter as the baskilisk fangs cascaded out of Hermione's arms. Running at Ron, she flung them around his neck and kissed him full on the mouth. Ron threw away the fangs and broomstick he was holding and responded with such enthusiasm that he lifted Hermione off her feet.
"Is this the moment?" Harry asked weakly, and the when nothing happened except that Ron and Hermione gripped each other still more firmly and swayed on the spot, he raised his voice. "OI! There's a war going on here!"
Ron and Hermione broke apart, their arms still around each other.
"I know mate," said Ron who looked as though he had recently been hit on the back of the head with a bludger, "so it's now or never, isn't it?"
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When he straightened up again, there were six Harry Potters gasping and panting in front of him. Fred and George turned to each other and said together, "Wow -- We're identical!"
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"Teddy's back there," [James] said breathlessly, pointing back over his shoulder into the billowing clouds of steam. "Just seen him! And guess what he's doing? Snogging Victoire!"
He gazed up at the adults, evidently disappointed by the lack of reaction.
"Our Teddy! Teddy Lupin! Snogging our Victoire! Our cousin! And I asked Teddy what he was doing--"
"You interrupted them?" said Ginny. "You are so like Ron--"
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Harry seized the wand lying beside his camp bed, pointed it at the cluttered desk, and said, "Accio Glasses!"
Although they were only a foot away, there was something immensly satisfying about seeing them zoom toward him, at least until they poked him in the eye.
"Slick," snorted Ron.
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"Well, what else can I say?" Ron shouted, and Harry was glad that Ron was fighting back.
"Oh I don't know!" yelled Hermione with awful sarcasm. "Rack your brains, Ron, that should only take a couple of seconds-"
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"Our Headmaster is taking a short break," said Professor McGonagall, pointing at the Snape-shaped hole in the window.
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“Look, if I picked up a sword right now, Ron, and ran you through with it, I wouldn’t damage your soul at all.”
“Which would be a real comfort to me, I’m sure,” said Ron.