Broomsticks, magic wands, enticing enchantments, addicting adages, and enough morality lessons to fill four and a half years of Lamb-Chop’s play-a-long. No, it’s not Halloween, and it’s not four and a half years of Lamb Chop…thank God. It’s over 2,500 pages of imagination, wit, creativity, and raw emotion. It’s one of the most read books in the entire world and is published in several languages. No, it’s not the Bible. No, it’s not Anne Frank. It’s Harry Potter. And it has sparked more imagination and merchandizing in five years than Disney has with Hilary Duff’s weekly CD or B-movie release. Yet there is a dark horse that comes with this whimsical fairytale. Not everyone can read these books that have been mass-produced and have even created blockbuster movies. Why not? Because they’re from Satan, of course! Since the frenzy began way back before Y2K even existed, frightened parents and concerned clergymen became worried that these books about a boy-wizard growing up in a wizarding world would promote an unhealthy fascination with witchcraft and the occult and would – gasp – possibly make children around the world read more! Why, in the name of all that is good and holy, J.K. Rowling, would we want our children becoming involved with something this dirty and evil?? You are clearly promoting terrible morals to live by and you are making children believe that they can fly on broomsticks and levitate teapots in the air! Shame on you…shame.

Let’s take a look at the prime reasons as to why dozens of respected clergymen around the world are condemning this fantasy series. The most popular reason is the one that worries the conservative parents the most: the books promote Satan and practices of, or pertaining to, the occult. Let’s think about this one real hard, folks. In the real world, flying on broomsticks and casting magic spells to levitate teapots is odd, if not slightly disturbing. It’s different from the status quo, and that’s what scares people. I ask you a very important question here: when was the last time you saw a levitating teapot in the “real world”? Exactly. You don’t. It doesn’t exist. At least this branch of specific magic that J.K. Rowling speaks of doesn’t actually exist. True, there are practices of witchcraft in our world, it would be ignorant to deny that fact. But to put these two different kinds of magic in juxtaposition and then declare them the same? That’s just plain idiocy, if not an insult to witchcraft. The wizarding world that exists in the Harry Potter books is exactly that: existing in the Harry Potter books. The spells do not actually work. They won’t work if you study them for hundreds of years and practice them intensely until your brains fall out of your ear and your hands shrivel up. (Little bit of HP know how: If your hands shrivel up, I suggest a common Engorgement Charm, which Madame Pomfrey has in stock in the infirmary…) They aren’t real. Children will obviously try the spells because they want to be like Harry. They want to levitate a teapot. Is that so wrong? It’s childish and juvenile because everyone knows that you can’t really do that. That’s what the imagination is for.

Another reason as to why the Harry Potter books must be destroyed at once is that they promote poor morals and encourage fighting and warfare. Let me hold your hand for this one. News flash: everything your child watches on the television will somehow influence them to do or think something that you, as a parent, will not agree with. Your children will get more sex and violence on the evening news than in the children’s books. I know, I know, it’s hard to believe. But take my word for it. The morals in the books…they’re apparently poor and pro-war. Do you really consider your children to be complete idiots? Your child, no matter how stupid, knows the difference between good and evil. And the characters in the books, though not entirely angelic 100% of the time, clearly have a dividing line between good and evil. The whole point of the series is defeating evil with the mark of love. If that’s not a good moral, then I give up. Don’t worry about it so much; though Harry has been known to break more than a couple school rules in order to save his friends, he’s not making his own cocaine and injecting them into his eyes, selling them on eBay and using the profits for copies of PlayWizard.

My plea for the concerned parents of America: chill out. The Harry Potter books are fictional, fun, and quite the page-turner. Don’t stress yourself out over this. There are plenty of other problems in our world that need our attention. So stop burning the imaginary wizarding world and start solving world hunger or finding those elusive weapons of mass destruction. Besides, if your kid isn’t injecting the cocaine into their eyeballs and selling them on eBay just yet, I wouldn’t be too worried.

12/22/04