The Bette Noir Affair, Part 5
Concepts contributed by: "Misheal"
As Joe Albuquerques killing curse echoed down the corridor, Spanky continued as his audience hung on every word,
something large and heavy crashed to the floor behind us. Ms. Noir and I spun around. It must have been almost on top of us
when Joe stopped it. It was an acromantula, big enough to eat me for dinner and Ms. Noir for dessert. Its amazing that we
didnt hear it sneaking up behind us. Now it was twitching its last, its hairy legs splayed beneath its enormous body.
'That was close,' said Ms. Noir, as Joe ripped off his Nigel makeup and tossed it on the dead spider. 'Thank you for saving
us, but the mystery deepens. If youve been here to protect us all this time, then who is really trying to frame me for
stealing the Gryffindor Sword? Im sure whoever it is let that thing into the house. Theyre obviously trying to kill me!'
'I daresay its Mr. Spankison theyre after,' said Joe. 'Because he should have figured out by now who the real culprit is.
I figured it out just ten minutes ago, as I was thinking over a comment Spanky made when I met him at the airport.'
'Me? I?' I stammered. 'You think I know who done it?'
'What was the first thing you said to yourself when you got off your plane?' Joe asked, tossing his white-haired wig aside
and accepting a brandy from the real Nigel, who had arrived along with four house-elves and a wheelbarrow to remove the giant
dead spider from the corridor.
I racked my brains. Then I said, I suppose it was something like, Gee, its awfully cold here. I would never have expected
'No, no, I mean what you said to yourself out loud, said Joe.
'Er... I gave it some more thought. Then it came to me. Oh, yeah. I said, Confound that Iovanescu for telling me to
dress...for warm...weather... My voice trailed off. The knut, as they say, had just dropped. Merlins beard! I gasped.
How could I have missed it? He told me to dress for warm weather before I went to the Blokebury Office! I hadnt done my
unpronounceable potion, or discovered the bit of fuzz from the hotel towel, or any of that. How would he have known that I
was going to California unless...
'Unless Iovanescu was the one who stole the sword and planted the evidence in the first place, Joe exclaimed, shooting
sparks out of his wand in an excess of emotion. But why would he want to cause trouble for Ms. Noir?
We both looked at her. She shrugged, looking blank. Then it came to me. It isnt her, I said, staring at an icon from a
Russian cathedral that had been torn down by the Soviets. Its us. We made him look like a fool. Remember that
Penguarts case? You called him something like an inkwell-swilling, quill-pushing, useless git of a desk jockey...
'I think I used stronger language than that, to his face, Joe admitted ruefully.
'And I suppose he never expected a rookie like me to blow the whole case wide open like that. Maybe he was in with the
Penguarts coven all along; maybe he wants to discredit us; and maybe he wants the sword to make another stab at gaining
power for the dark forces...
'And maybe, said a thickly accented voice behind us, He wants to leave with a certain iron gauntlet. We all turned to
look at the speaker. It wasnt Nigel. It was one of the house-elves, a fat little fellow. Only it wasnt a house-elf at all.
It undid a couple of zippers, cast aside its tea-towel, and unfolded into my Romanian station commander, Iovanescu. He must
have been hobbling around on his knees for hours, disguised as that house-elf! And you thought Joe was a master spy,
Iovanescu sneered at me. And you, he said to Joe, leveling his wand at my friends face, you thought I didnt have what
it takes to make it in the field. And you, madam, he concluded, turning toward Ms. Noir, thought there had to be a motive
for picking on you. And youre right.
'But Ive never seen you in my life, Ms. Noir said, looking shocked. The other house-elves unzipped and unfolded into two
witches and a wizard, also brandishing wands at us and the unfortunate Nigel.
'Oh, its not personal. Thats why it was so perfect. You were too busy guessing which man you had done wrong and who was
trying to even up the score, that you didnt bother looking at any other theory. I just needed someone to lead me to you
and that lovely gauntlet of yours. My master will find it ever so helpful to his plans. A new world order is arising, my
friends. Too bad you wont be around to see it. Now get downstairs, all four of you. I believe you have a silicon steel
vault that seats four.
At this dreadful pronouncement, poor Nigel clutched his chest and went down. As Ms. Noir and I hurriedly crouched down to
help him, the old man winked and slipped my right wand out of his sleeve.
'Leave the old fool, barked Iovanescu.
The old fool gestured with his head for Ms. Noir and me to duck. Then he tossed a handful of dungbombs at Iovanescu. He was
totally splattered, and the stench made his accomplices stagger. In that moment of disorientation, we regained the upper
hand. Joe, Ms. Noir, and Nigel had a wand each. I had two. That gave us a five-to-four advantage, and we began using it
It was all over in about thirty seconds, during which more things happened than I have time to tell. Sadly, some priceless
works of art were scorched, drenched with ink, or turned into confetti. Part of the floor became thin ice with a freezing
pond under it (which disposed of one of Iovanescus accomplices). The dead spider down the corridor surrendered a jet of
sticky web material which bound up the other two accomplices. It was Iovanescu who managed to fire a killing curse at Joe
before I hit him with a giant wad of sticky chewing gum from my right wand and covered him with toilet paper from the left.
Then I turned to see what had become of Joe.
Miraculously, he was alive, but Ms. Noir was down, struggling for breath, clutching the lapels of Joes Nigel-suit. Joe was
sobbing. Why did you do it? he asked her. Apparently she had thrown herself in the way of Iovanescus killing curse.
Her last words were, Because I love you more than my own life. Then, either because a killing curse is too much even for
a woman who has taken a draught of immortality, or because she had finally found true love and it freed her from the curse
of being immortal, she gave up the ghost. The labored breathing slowed, seemed to stop; she took another couple of breaths,
then no more. The cynical look faded from her face, leaving her as beautiful and peaceful-looking as an angel in that
altarpiece she had rescued. Joe hugged her to himself, and Nigel clutched at her feet, and they both wept. I must say, even
I got a little misty.
And that is the tale of the Bette Noir Affair, Spanky concluded sadly.
Sadie, Endora, and Harvey sighed.
The wizard who called himself Merlin, however, rapped on the table indignantly. You call that an ending? he demanded.
What happened to Iovanescu? Did he get punished? Did he get the Dementors Kiss? And what about all those art works?
Did Joe get over his loss?
Spanky shrugged. Those American wizards take a different approach to magical crime. They wiped Iovanescus memory and put
him to work shoveling dragon dung at the Magicland Theme Park outside Bakersfield. Its a terrific place, by the way. The
Muggles who go there think everything is atrociamoronic. I mean, animatrocious. Well, anyway, they think the beasts are just
lifelike machines. All the ticket-takers, mechanics, and cleaners are convicted criminals. I think its an idea that our
country should try.
I dont know, shivered Sadie. I find Dementors to be highly deterrent.
I dont know about highly, Merlin chuckled.
Spanky went on as if they hadnt said anything. When Joe and I went back to the mansion a few days later with a team of
art authenticators, we found nothing on the site but a stretch of redwood forest. The mansion, the grounds, everything was
gone. As if it had never been there. He sighed.
And what about Joe? Merlin pressed. Did you see any more of him?
That, said Harvey firmly, is a tale for another night.
Isnt that my line? Spanky asked.
Its getting late. Or rather, early, said Harvey, conjuring a mantel clock out of nowhere. The minute-hand pointed between
the ten and eleven, and the hour-hand stood away from it in a straight line. Sleep it off, all of you. If you come to
this parlor a week from now, I may have a proposition for all four of you. If you dont see me--who knows what may come up
in a weeks time--then by all means, continue with your fascinating stories. And now, farewell!
With a twitch of his bandanna-covered nose, Harvey vanished.
Endora yawned and said, Well, I suppose hes correct. She made sure every last drop was drained from her goblet and then
disappeared with a pop.
Sadie pounded her pipe on the end of the table, cleared her throat thunderously, and said, All right, then, and
Merlin put his hand on Spankys shoulder, and squeezed. Well, mate, good night, he said, and he was gone.
Spanky stayed where he was, staring out from under his deep hood. Then he sighed, stuck his wand into his empty goblet,
shot a fountain of firewhisky into it, and raised it to his lips. After a long drink and an even longer pause to work the
sparks out of his nostrils, he sighed again and muttered, Poor old Joe.
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