A Chat with Ed, Ned, and Tip
BO: Testing, testing. Excellent! This is Bo Dwyer, feature writer for Broomstick and Wand
. Welcome to my new program on the Wizarding
Wireless Network, where anything at all could happen, but it would have to happen pretty #### fast to get past the ######## censor! But
lets get to the point. Today I have an exciting program for you! Back under one roof again for the first time in, oh, months and months,
its Nasal Drip! Yes, folks, its none other than the edgy, angry musical trio whose last album was actually a collection of solo tracks by
each member of the band, strung together
NED: By a court order, actually.
BO: Yes, I believe that all three of you sued the studio to keep your songs in separate solo albums, but the studio claimed that they would
have gone bankrupt trying to sell such things.
TIP: Well, yeh, bu vey ad no righ makin out as we wuz a band, divvey?
BO: Im not sure what you just said, but it certainly does seem that being on the same side of a legal process, for once, rather brought the
three of you together again.
ED: Anyway, it was our worst-selling album ever. A record. Went lead in two days flat.
BO: Thats a piece of history none of us will forget! Er. Hem. So, at least it was cheaper to produce than your precious album, which, as I
recall, the studio had to sync together by magic from separately recorded tracks, because...
TIP: Cuz we ad a restrainin order on each ovver, like.
NED: Not that Im addressing the gent, but you can remind im for me that it was us as ad a restrainin order on im, since that little
incident with the flamin broomstick...
BO: Truly, your relationship with each other is a model for all the angry youth in the wizarding world. Now, help me please, to get your
names straight for once. Youre...
NED: Ned Smith, an this is Tip Smith, and this ere is Ed Smith.
BO: All of you are Edward Smith, then?
NED: I dunno abou them, but I am. Are they really? Cor! How do you like tha? An no relation or anythin!
ED: My surname is spelled with an I, not a Y.
TIP: And mine isnt, is it?
NED: Thats what Im sayin. Who knew?
TIP: Lot of name copiers, you are.
ED: You would say that, bein the youngest!
TIP: Well, youre old enough to know better, then.
NED: I wasnt when me parents had me christened!
TIP: There you go, always havin an excuse.
BO: Now hold on. Youve been together, so to speak, for how long?
ED: Seven years.
BO: And you just now found out each others' names?
ED: We have pet names for each other, see.
NED: Yeh, that ones ######## and hes #####-####.
ED: Don forget, youre the great ### ####### of ##########.
NED: You know, if you would pronounce it right, they wouldnt have to censor it.
ED: Who says I dont pronounce it right?
NED: Why, you...
BO: Gentlemen! Gentlemen! And you, too, sir! Compose yourselves. We still have an interview to conduct. All right, then, wheres the next
page of my...ah. So, er, Tip, what role does each of you play in this band?
TIP: Well, Im the drummer, like, an Ned there plays percussion, and Ed more or less bangs on things.
BO: I see.
NED: Ed is banned from buying or possessing a guitar in most counties now.
BO: Does he smash such a lot of them?
NED: Well, not smash them, as such. But when hes had a few too many...
TIP: He just got out of a program for billywig abuse, you know...
NED: He puts unbreakable charms on them, sometimes, and bashes away at the walls and floor regardless...
TIP: One time he used a pneumaic drill on a Fender.
NED: And that one screaming hex in Henchurch really brought the house down...
BO: Well, Ed, have you nothing to say to this?
ED: Not to be smug, Bo, bu the nigh we played in Bunghampton did set a record for the highes incidence of Silencio, Quietus, and
Muffliato spells within a square mile in one nigh.
TIP: The Daily Prophet referred to our second Farewell Tour as auditory suicide.
BO: Oh. Right. On to the next question. This ones for Ed. What inspired you to put aside a future in magical methods of music performance,
and to make do with mostly Muggle means?
ED: Blimey, you would have to ask such a sticky one, wouldn you? Its like this, though. None of us go any O.W.L.s. We had to leave
Hogwarts after our fifth year...
TIP: Actually, it was me seventh.
ED: What I meant to say is, after our O.W.L. year.
NED: I think what Ed is sayin, Bo, is that we wuz all impressed by the powers music had in common wiv magic...the power to alter peoples
feelins, to make the sun seem brighter, the night seem darker...
TIP: Fish seem wetter...
NED: The power to change the way time flows, and to express truths that canno be put into words, like.
ED: But above all, we went into music for the witches, the potions, and the galleons.
TIP: Or in your case, the knuts, mutts, and...
BO: WHERES OUR CENSOR when you need him!? All right, one last question! And this ones for Ned. If there was one song, on any of your
albums, that you could go back and write all over again, which would it be?
NED: Well, I had a great time writin I Wont Curse You Till the Sun Comes Up...
ED: You muttonhead, thats not what he meant.
BO: Well, it hardly matters now. What made that song so much fun to write?
NED: Well, there was this ####, who we met in Perth that one time they gave us the key to the city before our gig in Liverpool, only the key
was a portkey, and the city it was a portkey to was in Australia...and anyway, this #### was there when we landed, and she said to me, ###,
why dont we ###### these ####### and go down to the ##### and get us some ######, #### and ###########? Well, ####, mate, I wasn abou to
turn down an offer like that. But the next day...
BO: Actually, now that I hear a bit of it, Im with Ed. Lets see how he answers the question.
ED: What song would I write over from scratch? It would have to be Look What Fell Out of the Stupid Tree.
ED: Really. If I had realized, back then, that I was writing one of the best-selling songs in the history of Cauldron Punk, I would have
been a little more careful with the lyrics, you see.
BO: What was wrong with them? Didnt they rhyme?
TIP: Rhyme was the only thing they did. How many different words did you use in that song?
ED: About fourteen, I think.
NED: Eighteen, if you count spelling variations as separate words.
TIP: Ill tell you why it was so successful, Bo.
ED: Hey! Not one more word!
TIP: Theres a bowel-loosening incantation worked into that song.
ED: You shut it! I swear, if that big man outside the door hadnt taken my wand...
TIP: An doctors prescribe listenin to it to their patients as have fallen afoul of U-No-Poo and such.
NED: Ed always found it so liberating...we only dared to sing it right before the intermission...
ED: But the words are so stupid, they drive me crazy! I could have done much better now.
TIP: Your spelling has improved, but your spell-work hasnt.
ED: Oi! Tha wuz personal, tha wuz!
NED: Listen to him, hes starting to sound like Tip.
TIP: Hes what? Hark, whos talking, Mr. They Wont Believe Were a Punk Band if We Dont Sound East End...
NED: Sound East End? Ha! Ive never heard such a load of fakery since I...
BO: Well, thats about all the time we have for...hey, put that table down. Ouch! What did you do that for? Help!
ED: You ##### fool, Ned, thats not how you do it. See all the little pieces? Youre supposed to put an unbreakable charm on it first,
BO: Ow! Ow!!! HELP!
VOICE: Stupefy! Impedimenta!
TIP: Look out, you ####! You almost ####### my...!
VOICE: Stupefy! Expelliarmus! Petrificus Totalis!
TIP: Ow! You ###### of a ###!
VOICE: Oops. Well, folks, this is your censor, reminding you to tune in next week for another installment of The Magic Quill! And please,
dont be a ####--send Robbie your idea for what should happen next!
What happens next? Send us your idea in 150 words or less, and tune in
next week for another installment of the Magic Quill.
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