Severus Snape: What? Is this thing on? Hello?

BF: Mr. Snape, can you hear us?

SS: OF COURSE I CAN HEAR YOU! This form of muggle communication isn't as complex as the subtle science of Potion-making...

BF: Okay... okay, let's just calm down. Welcome to The Underground Lake. We are very... umm... honored to have you here with us to share your side of the story.

SS: Look, can we hurry this up? I have... things to do.

BF: (mutters under breath) Like maim and torture...

SS: What was that?

BF: Nothing! Nothing at all. I think I'd like to start out with the most important question - THE question that has been on all minds since Book One and, unlike certain authors, I believe you'll answer this question.

SS: Alright, lay it on me.

BF: The question we've all been waiting for: boxers or briefs?

SS: What? Well... I... that's a bit personal...

BF: The public must know!!!

SS: Well to be quite frank, though it is none of your business, I have taken of late to wearing... (barely audible)... thongs.

BF: No wonder you're always in a bad mood.

SS: Can we get to a serious question?

BF: I'll be asking the questions here, thank you very much. That was just a little test question to make sure the veritaserum I slipped into your water was working!

SS: WHAT?! I should kill you where you stand!

BF: If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine! THE PEN IS MIGHTIER THAN THE WAND!

SS: Oh brother...

BF: Let's talk about your family.

SS: What is there to discuss? My mother was a witch, my father... (swallows and winces)

BF: Ooh... sounds like somebody has some daddy issues.

SS: No... I... for me this is a dad issue... DEAD ISSUE!

BF: Really! So your father beat you, so YOU KILLED HIM!!

SS: No I dadn't... DIDN'T! I... no comment.

BF: Let the record show that Mr. Snape does not deny that he killed his father. That was just a theory I had been working on I... are you crying?

SS: NO! (grabs a tissue, blows his nose) I have seasonal allergies!

BF: I see. Alright, next question and this is very important: WHO IN THE WORLD ARE YOU WORKING FOR?

SS: If I told you, I'd have to kill you. Not to mention, I am a skilled Occlumens and even your Veritaserum would be unable to fight through my advanced skills.

BF: Really? Answer the question.

SS: I work for one person: ME! That's who. The sooner you people realize that, the easier it'll be.

BF: Why did you kill Dumbledore?

SS: Because he asked me to! (covers his mouth)

BF: You heard it, folks! He admits he was acting under Dumbledore's orders.

SS: That may be the case, but who is to say I'm not working for the Dark Lord?

BF: Too true. But since we are on the subject of the Dark Lord, I'd like to address something. Why is Peter Pettigrew living at your house? Are you two, like, bosom buddies?

SS: I loathe and despise Wormtail. The Dark Lord trusts me to watch that sniveling worm... tail.

BF: Really. Did it ever occur to you that maybe Wormtail is living with you so that HE can keep an eye on YOU?

SS: ...

BF: That's what I thought. Okay, our time is growing very short, so I have only a few more questions. First, were you in love with Lily Potter?

SS: (as impossible as it may seem, he blushes, which is odd considering he is SO pale) She... was just some filthy little Mud...

BF: I will not have that kind of language in my presence.

SS: Fine. I detested her. Always so smart. Always so popular. Always so pretty...

BF: The Snape doth protest too much, me thinks. Since that one seems obvious, I already know the answer to my next question, which is why you hated James so much. My final question, and this is what I think we all what to know: WHY DO YOU HATE HARRY? WHAT DID HE EVER DO TO YOU?

SS: He was born.

BF: I'm afraid that's not good enough. To help get the answer out of you, I have brought in an expert: famous television psychiatrist, Dr. Phil!

Dr. Phil: Hello Brandon, Professor Snape. My analysis of Professor Snape indicates that because of the abuse he suffered at the hands of his father and the apparent lack of support from his mother, he harbored a large distaste for companionship, especially women. He then met Lily Potter, who became the first girl who was ever remotely nice to him. He interpreted his gratitude toward her as feelings of attraction. Well, not only were these feelings not reciprocated but the same girl he had an attraction towards ended up in the hands of his arch nemesis. Upon telling the prophecy to Voldemort, and subsequently discovering that the prophecy meant the death of the only woman he ever had feelings for, he felt remorse which conflicted with his anger at the two. Their death meant that, once again, he could never have Lily. Harry's presence because he looks JUST like his father is a constant reminder of the torture he suffered at the hands of James, but he is also a walking reminder of what he missed out on with Lily.

SS: Astute observation. AVADA KEDAVRA!

(Dr. Phil falls dead. TFPWWNBN rises and Apparates out of the interview room.)

BF: Well, that was a little excessive.

10/15/05

Posted by: Nicole

If you would like to contact Brandon, you may do so at Greatbman at aol dot com.

---

MuggleNet is an unofficial Harry Potter fan site. Please email us if you have any questions or concerns. MuggleNet's original layouts were designed and created by Navy. All subsequent layouts by Dylan Spartz.

© 1999-2008 MuggleNet.com. All rights reserved.

Privacy Policy | COPPA Policy | Feedback | Credits
Random Addresses

1,482 muggles currently online