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A note from the unprofessional, arrogant, unprofessional, insensitive, unprofessional, immature, inconsiderate, unprofessional, irresponsible, unprofessional, juvenile, unprofessional, tactless, and unprofessional Wall of Shame founder and caretaker (or more appropriately, “crap-taker”… you’ll see), Emerson:

This is a collection of the dumbest, random, and most pointless letters we’ve received. Most of them were, for reasons unknown, addressed to me, so I am the one responsible for this page. You’ll have lost several IQ points by the time you finish this, but at least you’ll feel smarter!

jar said the title to Book7 on her website.. “Harry Potter and the Mystic Kettle of Nackledirk”!!!!!

– Submitted by an alarming amount of people

Sar´casm n. 1. a form of wit that is marked by the use of sarcastic language and is intended to make its victim the butt of contempt or ridicule.

Yeah, she was kidding.

Now, the inductees:
 

Dear Emerson

Dear Emerson

Hello Mr. Emerson,

You are going to hell for your satanistic rituals. You might be sexy but that is no reason to defy GOD. I will laugh at you when you are down in hell eating pineapples and I in up in heaven being sexy.

Wow! I’m sexy and I get free pineapples! How cool is that??

MR EMERSON,

I MUST SAY THAT MUGGLENOT,OH SORRY I MENT MUGGLENET STINKS.EMERSON,YOU DONT EVEN HAVE A BRAIN.YOU HAVE TO ASK OTHERS FOR A POLL IDEA!!? IM GOING TO MAKE MY OWN HP SITE AND THEN I PLAN TO DESTROY MUGGLENET.IT WONT BE HERE FOR LONG.

MuggleNet “stinks”? Did Dora the Explorer write that for you?

Dear Sir Emerson,

The rest of the email wasn’t particularly interesting (about how great life would be if there were Harry Potter-themed skittles?). I just found it extremely amusing how they addressed me as “Sir Emerson.” Me, a British knight! If I was drinking milk when I read that, I would have likely snorted it all over the place.

do you mind if I name my goldfish after you? It’s between Emerson and Beaudecia. I enjoy to trust animals about funny secrets like one time i told my snail that i was its brother lol#! (joke!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

I’m sure the snail was floored to hear that. (Sorry, couldn’t resist.)

I think you’re weird for having a pet snail, but it wasn’t long ago that pet rocks were the “it” thing, so I will hold my tongue for now.

EMERSON! I HAVE JUST BEEN STRUCK WITH A BRILLIANT IDEA! I NEEDED TO ASK PERMISSION FROM YOU FIRST! I AM GOING TO PUT YOUR FACE ON MARSHAMALLOWS! I ALSO NEED TO NO WHAT YOU TASTE LIKE SO THEY ARE EMERSON FLAVORED…LICK YOUR ARM AND WRITE BACK TO TELL ME HOW YOU TASTE SO I HAVE AN IDEA…EMERSON MARSHAMALLOWS ARE THE FOOD OF THE 22ND CENTURY!

…I’d finally be able to fulfill my lifelong dream of eating a marshmallow with my face on it!

Arm-flavored marshmallows – who WOULDN’T want one?

I get instant messages from complete strangers a lot, but this was one of the more entertaining AIM conversations I’ve had… even if it was a bit one-sided (I wasn’t there).

RandomCrazy: so emerson, which harry potter character do you think about when you come?
Auto-response from Emerson: tell it to my away message
RandomCrazy: you’re killing me… come back! then we can run away together into a forest, and pretend it’s the forbidden forest… I’ll dress up as firenze if you want you can pretend to be bane and then you can tie me up!

You remind me of my dog, he’s a dachshund. He always makes me laugh especially when he runs into tables.

I’m getting all choked up here. You sure know how to compliment a guy!

… Emerson, we should all move somewhere and form a nudist colony around you.

Don’t know where that came from, but it’s the best idea I’ve heard in a long time!

Hilow, dear TY :):)

I’d like you tu put some cream on my breast ;)) JOKE!!!!!!!!;D
I’d like you tu put my web adress http://******************** into
the links in MUGGLENET Its is not-english site but..
Enjoy ;) You’ll see then link back to MUGGLENEt Thonx:*~ :):)

We can tell English isn’t her first language… or second language… or third language…

Anyway, I’ll be right back with that cream. ;)

[Paragraph deleted due to, uh, “creative” use of the words “broomstick,” “wand,” etc. Use your imagination. Or don’t.]

Could you please dress up as a maid or a super hero of your choice and post it in your photo gallery. Not because i want it, i just think it would be super amusing.
Thank you for your time. Love always,Charlie and his SEXY lover. Get back to me and want to see that picture!

Here you go. Dressed up like a Rugrat. I hope you like it. :)

rugrat

Edit: No, that’s not really me.

WE HAVE THE SAME KEY BOARD! ( i saw it in your picture gallery)

NO………… WAY…………

I H8 U, EMERSON. HOW DO U KNOW I AM NOT FUNY ENUF 2 B ON THE WALL OF SHAME?! BECAUSE OF UR H8FUL AND HURTFUL COMMENTS, MY CONFIDENCE HAS DROPPED 2 SUCH AN EXTENT THAT I HAV STOPPED PURSUING MY DREAMS TO BCUM A COMEDIAN. U SHOULD THINK ABOUT THE DAMAGING EFFECTS OF UR CRUEL ‘INSULTS’ B4 U MAKE THEM. I HOPE U TAKE DIS LETTER SINCERELY BCUZ OF U MY FUTURE IS RUINED!!!!!!!!

The Wall of Shame: “Saving the world from lame, wannabe comedians.”

Excuse me mister know it all! You thing youre the biggest harry potter fan! Will your not I AM!!!!!!!! So stop thinking your a great harry potter fan! I AM!!!!!!! YOUR NOT!!!!!!!! So I have the following requests. I want you to close this site. I want you to write me back saying that I AM the biggest harry potter fan and your not. I want you to write an apology letter to everyone who has visited this site for making them think you were the biggest harry potter fan. That Is all.

Uh oh… I think it’s time for s o m e b o d y ‘ s nappie!

Big News

Big News

Emma was seen last night kissing Rupert in a cafe , but she was also seen a week ago kissing Daniel in that same cafe . So now she is dating two guys .

Submitted separately, with the title “OMG THIS IS HUGE NEWS OMG”:

Last night Dan checked into a local hotel, no big deal right? But two hours later a young lady (Emma Watson) was seem walking into his room, not leaving for 6 hours. BIG DEAL!

I’ll say! 6 hours – whoa – Dan must really be a player!

These were both sent in as “News.” What’s really sad is that we get emails like these every day.

about halfway down it says about the sorting hat saying slytherin only took purebloods and then it says that it took voldemort who was only half blood but if youread carefully voldemort in the second book is in huffle puff

………………………

emerson i heard that you are dating emma watson and cant keep filming now… is this true?

No, she dumped me for Brad Pitt after I called her fat during an argument.

How DARE You

How DARE You

HOw DARE you compare one of the best pieces of litature to a little kids movie, and devote a whole website to it? ok there may be some things alike between the lord of the rings and harry potter but thats because the writers of harry potter ripped some things off. the lord of the rings isn\’t just a fantasy it also has meaning and depth too, unlike the kiddie movie harry potter. i mean come what the hell is your problem? honsetly all that harry potter is a piece of crap that is a lord the rings rip off. so i must request that you take down this site and maybe actuly look for the meaning behind the lord of the rings and not just the stuff that appels to little kids.

Really, the nerve I must’ve had! To enjoy a book and devote a website to it! Shameful! Despicable! How do I sleep at night…

hey emerson!!!!! HOW DARE YOU compare this stupid movie with jrr tolkiens epic masterpiece?????? you suck the movie of harry potter is a disgrace! it has no point and no feeling behind it so how can you say they are even equal?????????????? LOTR RULZ. u can just go kiss ant orc!

I do have a little thing for ant orcs.

THER ARE NO SIMILARITES BETWENN LORD OF HTE RINGS AND HARRY POTTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11 THE LORD OF HTE RINGS IS SOOO MUCH BETTER THAN HARRY POTTER!!!!!!!!!! SO GET A LIFE AND GO AWAY AND LEAVE US ALL ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111

Let’s take a look at a few of the points the author of this letter so eloquently articulated:

“There are no similarities between Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter!”

Au contraire, there are quite a few of them.

“Lord of the Rings is so much better than Harry Potter. Get a life and leave us alone!”

Get a life and leave you alone? The hypocrisy is killing me. I actually really like Lord of the Rings. I don’t know why you and others assume that I hate it. (The books are good and the movies are better.)

Emerson- There’s absolutely no way HP compares to The Lord of The Rings. You say you like the LoTR series? Then why are you wasting every day of your life on an HP site?

That, dear, is one of the great mysteries of the world. A popular theory states that it’s because I enjoy Harry Potter more. We may never know.

Tell Me More

Tell Me More

Dear J.K. Rowling,

I have a very important question! Now you may not want to hear this ..but I really would like if you would send me an email back with the answers to the question I\’m about to ask you. Now , for the questions , What made you want to write about satanic things? What do you have against the Christians ? Why are you making these books to try to turn everyone away from God?!?! Why\’d you make the Christians the bad people? Why do you want your books to be about evil!?! Thank you for your time .. and please email me back

I suppose actually reading the books would be out of the question…

dear emerson i was wondering if you could tell me how dies in book 5 i know you said you wouldnt but i want to know because i dont know if i live to see book 5 i have stomache cancer and im not supposed to live more than a week i know i should be in te hospital but i dont want to be and well my birthday is june 21st so it most likely being my last birthday do you think you could fimd it in your ear to tell me

Let me go get a Q-tip and I’ll get back to you if I find it.

One visitor’s response to my comment:

your an imbusul. You have NO right to dismember [dismember means “to tear limb from limb.” Uh??] a cripple in the dumb emails. His plea was turned down with ridicule. I hope you rot in hell for that emmerson

If Laura Mallory is right, I’m already going to hell for reading Harry Potter, so I might as well pick on some cripples while I’m at it.

when is star wars 7 coming out

Great idea, ask a guy who runs a Harry Potter website when a Star Wars movie is coming out.

Do you like "Harry Potter"?

Do you like "Harry Potter"?

ya i got ur e mail from the harry potter website thingy so do u like harry potter or sumthin??

No, I created MuggleNet to show how much I hate Harry Potter.

Number of reporters I’ve spoken to who have actually asked me – a guy who has run a Harry Potter website for over 8 years and published a book making predictions about the end of the series – not how many times I’ve read the Harry Potter books, but if I’ve actually read all of them:

3

Dear King Arthur,
Why do you hate Harry Potter? I liked your storys a lot until I found out about your rude actions toward Harry. You should learn more about The Boy Who Lived. Try going to www.mugglenet.com

I’ll have to check that site out. Thanks!

– King Arthur

Take it Down

Take it Down

Emerson, I hate this website. my name is emily watson, and i play HERMIONE GRANGER in the harry potter movies. I HATE THIS WEBSITE, TAKE IT DOWN NOW BEFORE I DENOUNCE IT IN PUBLIC!!! Thanks for your time, remember what I said. I have a lot of poser with words now that I’m famus. I have tried reading Harry Potter, and it’s boring. Emily Watson

This person sent in about four other emails, each one getting progressively less intelligent.

Note: I’m quite aware that it is Emma Watson, not Emily, who portrays Hermione in the movies. You can stop emailing me. Thanks!

i once again demand that u remove this site imediatley cause i use to like those hp books but your site has mannaged to change my mind thanx now ill remember this site as the one which changed my mind over harry potter & if it is hagrid who will die in book five well then its for the better i always liked that guy but now because of your website i am glad that the evidince that we have points mostly to him that half giant deserves to die however may i shall state I continue to read those terrible books for the reason of more info to use against you & your site

from name will not displayed

This is trivial, I know, but next time, Daniel, make sure you don’t already have your full name in your signature before you try to sign a hate letter anonymously. Like to buy a period?

I find it amazing that you have the audacity to accuse others of being moronic when your retorts mainly consist of fragments that contain incorrect capitalization of certain words within the sentence. Yes, your grammar usage (or lack thereof…) does serve as an indicator of your level of intelligence, since many people learn such simple rules in grade school. Your responses would be more effective if you’d… oh, I don’t know… maybe actually address the issues presented in the letters? That IS why people write in, obviously. I know, I know… it sounds crazy.

So you really expect me to take someone seriously who addresses me as “King Arthur”? You’re officially the first person to ever stick up for the morons on this page.

From the hate mail you chose to post on the Wall of Shame, one could almost assume that you were perhaps…biased? [No, you think?] It potrays anti-HP people as stupid morons who can’t spell [P-O-R-T-R-A-Y*], and makes me wonder if you’ve withheld the more intelligent hate mail. [“intelligent hate mail”? Are you kidding?] But it doesn’t really matter how you say it, because HARRY POTTER SUCKS.

It “sucks”! How creative! What a closer! I don’t think I’ll ever be able to recover from such a devastating insult.

I didn’t want to have to do this, but it’s gone too far. There’s this one user who tries to impersonate me and it’s REALLY annoying. I’m Alicia on both The Forums and Mugglenet interactive, but this person sees fit to use “Alicia” on some areas of the site. (I’m talking about the person who sends news to you periodically). And she also used my name in a recent Caption Contest. I read the rules on the comments page, and it says specifically that you cannot impersonate someone you’re not, which is what they are doing. ~Alicia

Perhaps it never crossed her mind that there just might be another person who visits the site that also has the name Alicia?

Dear Emerson I am currently a computer security and intellgence professional and a harry potter fan. however I was alarmed by a newsposting in which call sheets from the set were linked to the snitch. Although these call sheets may seem harmless you must understand that these documents were replicated and illegally disclosed to the public internet. This documents can potentially threaten the secuirty and privacy of our actors. If future call sheets are posted and acquired by crimminals they could be used to exstort, stalk etc agian jeperdise the security of actors. Most fans would now know that Emma Watson was in the past was being stalked by a known Petafile imagine if a future call sheet was to fall into such a persons hands. Most people would agree we would not like to threaten the security of the actors and leaderson staff. I ask mugglenet to please not encourage to link exsternally or internally to any type of this information as any association with these types of materials has legal ramfications. Those leaderson [he’s talking about Leavesden Studios, I believe] staff whom divuldge such information are fully aware they are breaking the law and the legal rammifications for such actions. You may not think this security concern is likey however we now have a website master from the snitch whom has the telephone contacts of some of the cast and crew. Leaderson studios is far as I know has has prosecuted website owners for posting stolen documents and staff for disclose materials which compromise security . Please I hope we all can just respect the privacy and law when it comes to these types of materials and asses the materials before we post them online.

Dear God, maybe he’s right… someone might go back in time three months and stalk an actor or actress!

(I should mention that the aforementioned call sheets are, in fact, three months old and did not contain any personal information besides a few blacked-out phone numbers for some of the crew members.)

I am mad that you are using Harry Potter and using it’s audiance to make your message. Say it as you not as a Harry Potter fan. You are using your powers as an excuse to make a statement and that is wrong. It’s exactly like a celevrity, which is everything I hate about them. This by far makes me angry. This is the first time I think I have been mad about something that has been posted on MuggleNet. Feel free to reply if you wish

This is another clear case of “celevrities” like me abusing my power to push my own selfish agenda and foist my radical beliefs on others.

Can you guess what this angry email is in response to? This was written to protest a news post I made about an alliance of Harry Potter fans raising awareness of the genocide in Darfur.

Yeah… wow… there is nothing more despicable than when people try to get involved and do their part to end a brutal humanitarian crisis and relieve the suffering of millions.

Losing Faith in Humanity

Losing Faith in Humanity

whY don/t u do us all a favor and die cuase hary potter is gay.go smoke some floo powder u friggin fairy.

Reading things like this, I begin to lose faith in the human race.

Hello Muscle palace Rupert’s mail address it appears not to be being positively. nya The inside inside the cotton 3 all helped the mail does not see anh ass why …. And reply it entrusts certainly . I language ardency maybe too much without ? It peels anyhow and phyey the use method petty egg it lights and it gives. Only is like thatGoodbye

Lather, rinse, repeat. Got it.

Im the owner of **********.com. My site is nearly as popular as yours, but I want to get it more popular then yours. do a newspost about me, saying this:

“HI, Have you been to *********? Why dont you go now! GO TO **********.COM”

Please do this for me….. IF YOU DONT, then I WILL DESTROY MUGGLENET. I HAVE YOUR PASSWORDS, AND IF U DONT DO A POST THEN I WILL DO IT FOR YOU… AT THE SAME TIME AS DELETING IT!

I tried getting hits by doing that post of mine a few days ago about Dan Radcliffe dying, but people didnt like it much, so Im hoping they’ll like it on your site!

Thanks.. REMEMBER WHAT ILL DO IF U DONT DO THIS FOR ME!!!!

And you wonder why your site isn’t as popular?

Another reader sent in this gem:

i went to that site and it sucks theres like nothing on it!!!!

Yes, this person actually tried to access ********.com”.

i was unjustly banned from the chat room for 60 days because i diddnt follow the rules.

I’ve considered your request and have decided (based on the circumstances) to extend your ban by an additional 60 days. – Damon, MuggleNet.com

Damon’s response at my putting this up here:

You take all the fun out of life, Emerson, now they get to find out I’m an ogre before actually having to deal with me.

Jingle bells The Harry Potter Director Smells

The cast lade a egg
JK rolling mobile lost a wheel & the smart people got away(just a hint we are the smart people)

From
(names omitted)

Ps plz tell us What you think

I thought it was absolutely dreadful. If you sang like that two thousand years ago, people would have stoned you to death. My advice would be, if you want to pursue a career in the music business, don’t.

It costs money but for a good enough software for Mugglenet Interactive would be AOL Highspeed. The connections very fast and reilaible it gives avaible software to use.

If you laughed when you read this, you’re a geek like me. If you laughed really hard when you read this, you also have a strange sense of humor.

excuse me, but how can you live in indiana but still be by chicago? chicago is in illinois. for someone who is as intelligent as you think you are…you’d think you could figure out where you live and whats by it…

The Wall of Shame: “Educating the geographically unenlightened.”

DUH

Here’s another one:

…i saw you live really close to me, i live in new york

Some would say that’s not very close to Chicago, but we know better – if you look at a world globe, we’re barely an inch apart!

neighbors

Two girls were having it out in the comments (cat fight, rawr) on the main page and someone else typing under the name “Dr. Phil” was trying to mediate them. I just thought it was hilarious. The following are two of the comments posted.

“Just f***ing stop it Kristy wannabe you are a dumb b**** with no life I hope they disable it so they wont have to deal with f***heads like you and me so people like you guys wouldnt come in here and acting like some stupid children… no not children dumb ass untamed animals you guys are acting like the next postes that posted as me will be the imposter I am leaving.”

“Kristy is a dumb b**** who thinks she is cool because she thinks she is the sh** over the NET and Lol is a peice of sh** you are full of sh** both of you or maybe just you acting like two people. Go f*** yourself and stop scerwing up people comment board you stupid f***er…”

JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!

if a wall in my bathroom moves, does that mean its magical? cause if it doesnt, then the swelling is just for nothing.

It means you need to check in with your local A.A. chapter immediately.

To Mr. Dude,
I find it not very nice that you make fun of the no believers on a web page. It would be a lot nicer if you had them in something like the quote thingy that’s on every page of Muggle Net. Also, why did the Navy do your layout? I requested they do one for me and they never replied.
Jenna-Jane.

If you look at the bottom of this page, you’ll see it says the layout was created by Navy. Navy is a person. She lives in Australia.

Did you really think the United States Navy would make you a website layout?!

At a book signing Ben and I did in Maine, a fan had a theory – he was absolutely convinced that Dumbledore is alive, has been making Horcruxes, and is on his twelfth one.

Not joking.

That is all.

Remember guys, if you don’t have anything nice to say… send it to me, and I’ll make fun of you here. Thanks for reading.

Please, please don’t waste my time with stupid emails because you actually want to be on the Wall of Shame. You’re not funny enough.

Another note from Wall of Shame founder and craptaker, Emerson:

Some of you are, by now, concerned. Either for the future of our race, or for myself with having to put up with all these mean-spirited and misguided emails. As for the latter, I consider them a nuisance but far from being offensive. Why? A 5-year-old calls you stupid and sticks his tongue out at you – are you really going to be upset? Hate mail makes up a very small percentage of the mail we receive. If anyone selects “hate mail” on the feedback form, their message goes the way of the Dodo and is never seen by another pair of human eyes. It’s a filter that we had to set up after this page was created because the “hate mail” increased tenfold and generally annoyed the heck out of us. Most of it is written by bored kids lacking in creativity who just want to be on the Wall of Shame. And as for the former? I sympathize.

One reader suggests there is a mathematical anomaly that causes a magnetic attraction between myself and idiots. It works as a “black hole” of stupidity, his theory goes, and he has designed a complicated mathematical proof to explain it: E = MC^2 + 7 (7 is the number of letters in my name).

Update: Another reader has proven the theory to be true!

That formula your friend wrote isn’t even a real formula nor does it work. E=mc2 was a relitive theory of time, not something that deals with how many stupid emails you get. Nor does changing the formula make it that way.

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