A Wizard’s Guide to Fourth of July

So it was the Fourth of July yesterday. In other words, that time of year when all the American No-Majs seem incredibly determined to blow themselves up in the most colorful ways possible. If you’re anything like me, you’ve spent the last few years bewildered at the very existence and purpose of the holiday. However, this year, I spent the day doing some serious research and I think I’ve finally figured it all out. So to help enlighten all my fellow witches and wizards, I present my findings.

The first thing I chose to look into was the actual purpose of this insanity. I’ll admit, I initially thought there wasn’t one and that the No-Majs just enjoyed being loud and chaotic for no good reason. I was wrong, though. Unfortunately, the actual reason doesn’t seem to be that much better. The Fourth of July is a celebration of treason.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but it’s true. Apparently, the Fourth of July marks the day when a bunch of British colonists signed some sheet of paper saying they hated Britain and were going to commit treason against its king. They then proceeded to go to war and win, forming America. Personally, if I were going to celebrate Independence Day, another word for the holiday, I would have chosen the actual day I won the war for independence, not just the day a bunch of men signed a piece of paper. However, no one ever claimed the No-Majs made any sense.

Now that we’ve established the bizarre reason for this ritual, I will try to explain some of the behavior that goes on during it. First, I will begin with perhaps the most idiotic tradition: the fireworks. From what I can tell, these fireworks are meant to symbolize canon and gunfire, hearkening back to the treason and war this holiday is based around. This also explains why so many No-Majs set off illegal fireworks. Such criminal behavior is quite appropriate for the holiday. It also explains the amount of recklessness they tend to have when setting off the fireworks. There’s no need to be embarrassed about injuring yourself when you’re pretending to be on the battlefield. After all, it gives you a chance to brag about getting “battle scars.”

The large outdoor barbecues can also be linked to this desire for reenactment. With all the food being cooked and eaten outside, the No-Majs can imagine that they’re soldiers cooking their food over a campfire. Of course, in reality, most of the food is far better than soldiers’ fare. The exception here is hot dogs. Those are clearly abominations.

The last major tradition is the parades. At first, I attempted to connect this tradition with the strange treason role-playing the No-Majs seem to enjoy. I initially speculated that it might relate to the concept of a military parade. But in truth, I think it’s simply that No-Majs relish any opportunity to show off and act ridiculous and having a parade allows them to do so in front of as many people as possible.

Thus, overall, the Fourth of July was originally a day of treason that kicked off the war that made America. And every year after it, the No-Majs chose to celebrate it by pretending as though they, too, were soldiers in that battle, complete with explosions and injuries. Honestly, even after all this research, I still can’t say I understand the point behind it all. At least the No-Majs are having fun, though.