Ten Reasons Why Moving to the Wizarding World Is a Bad Idea

I know it’s been your dream to abandon this dry and annoying Muggle world and move next door to the Weasleys, but you might want to reconsider it. Apart from the whole magic bit, the wizarding world is an absurdly inconvenient place to live.

1. No bloody math or science! Okay, fine, maybe they’ve got a spell for all that math in Arithmancy (whatever that is), but they never learn science. Imagine an entire community unaware of the powerhouse of the cell!

2. No bloody electricity! Need I elaborate? Name one thing you use that does not require a plug and a switch at some point. I bet the Slytherins would be a lot nicer if they could get a dehumidifier in those dank dungeons.

3. No bloody telephones! I don’t know about you, but I don’t fancy waiting two to three business days to receive a reply. Yes, there’s the Floo, but you need a whole setup for that, and even then, it’s not entirely privacy-conscious.

4. No bloody TV! What’s a kid who can’t perform magic outside of Hogwarts supposed to do at home? And more importantly, in the “wisdomous” words of Joey Tribbiani from Friends, “What’s all your furniture pointed at?”

5. No bloody stationery! As romantic as quills and inkwells are, they have zero functionality. Can we please move on to pencils, ballpoint pens, and notebooks? I know for a fact that Hermione would appreciate not smudging her ink every four seconds. 

6. No bloody Internet! It’s the bloody nineties, and the Muggles are already approaching the burst of the dot com bubble while the wizarding world continues to rely on bird posts.      

7. No bloody jobs! Without the Internet, more than half of our fun jobs are wiped away. Do you really want to work for the Ministry of Magic?

8. No bloody justice! Where are the wizard lawyers, and why is this not an existing career? You’re telling me that regardless of the severity of offenses, I’d be shipped to depression island without getting any legal representation? Um?!

9. No bloody law enforcement! Sirius Black, the infamous absconding criminal, makes a massive bank withdrawal for a blasted racing broomstick to be delivered to the address of the boy he’s presumed to be intending to harm, using a bloody cat, without attracting any darn attention… Is this the Auror Department or a flipping joke factory?

10. No bloody security! The prison guards have no eyes. No. Bloody. Eyes. Oh, also, they’re embodiments of depression and eager to smooch anything that smells vaguely human. But hey, you can learn this really complicated spell to repel them, so that’s something.

Lucius Malfoy can keep the stick that’s up his regal rear, and I’ll keep my phone. Thank you.