22 Things You’d Probably Hear from the Marauders’ Dorm

It must’ve been quite an experience going to school with the Marauders. While the rest of the Hogwarts crowd, especially the Slytherins, might’ve spent those years dreading the possibility of being the object of their next big prank, we’re sure our Gryffindor friends were most likely eagerly anticipating their shenanigans. We wouldn’t put it past some excited admirers to linger a moment too long outside the Marauders’ headquarters (a.k.a. their dorm) and try to eavesdrop upon their conspiracies. Here are some things this lot would’ve probably heard.

1. “Do you think Filch would notice if we switched Mrs. Norris for another similar-looking cat?”

2. “Is that whiskey or perfume?” *gulp* “Tastes like perfume.”

3. “How did you lose Peter again?”

4. “What do you mean birds don’t get sad about not having arms?”

5. “What if we charmed the Slytherins to break into a synchronized dance every time they used a racial slur?”

6. “I suspect Minnie wasn’t too happy about me transfiguring Yaxely’s fingers into toes.” 

7. “Think big, Pete! We could make all the portraits in the castle sing sonnets.” 

8. “We could switch Snivellus’s shampoo for dye, but I doubt he ever has a bath in the first place.”

9. “Look on the bright side. At least you’re not a worm or something–” “Wormtail! Pete can be Wormtail!”

10. “All right, maybe asking me to get my head out of my behind does not qualify as a conversation, but that doesn’t discount the fact that Evans spoke to me directly.”

11. “We definitely need to add a little rock ‘n’ roll to the school song.”

12. “If I were to talk about you every time I was with Lily, she’d probably think that it is me who has a giant-size crush on you, so please get off my back, Prongs.”

13. “How much Aging Potion would I need if I wanted to be just old enough to buy firewhisky but also keep my boyish charm to woo darling Rosmerta?”

14. “Remus, if you don’t go to bed right now, I will charm your eyes shut — and that is a cold-blooded threat!”

16. “Wouldn’t it be crazy if we turned every doorknob into a Portkey?”

17. “I know Lily likes me. I can tell by the way she never makes eye contact with me.”

18. “But I ate the chocolate as Padfoot… Prongs, am I going to die?!”

19. “Well, if you’d all just agreed to make our own mariachi band and take part in my plan to ask out Lily, I wouldn’t have to ask my friends from Ilvermony.”

20. “I think you’re overreacting, Moony, I just had one chocolate frog –” *thud* “RUN, PETE, RUN!”

21. “When Remus gets married he’ll go on a honeymooning.”  *smack*

22. “Guess I’ll drink my sorrows away.” “Sirius, that’s a Capri Sun.” 

Whether it’s the codified language that they speak or the sheer absurdity of the subject matter, you wouldn’t be able to understand much even if you sat with your ear against their door for hours. But Merlin forbid if they were ever to catch you in the act — you’d need to master the art of sleeping with your eyes open, because they will come for you, and you’d better be very, very scared.