Dear Severus

As though I didn’t have enough of this foolishness last time, Dumbledore has ordered me to repeat this ridiculous exercise. I can only hope that the questions will be less inane than they were previously, although I highly doubt it.

Dear Severus,

I get that potions can be a dangerous subject -and that it pays to be strict. But do you really have to be so mean about it? I mean, grading harshly is one thing, but you outright insult students. I heard you even once threatened to poison someone’s pet! I know these letters are supposed to make you more approachable, but the only real way to accomplish that is if you start being nicer.

Hopeful Hufflepuff

Perhaps if you all weren’t such dunderheads, I wouldn’t have a reason to insult anyone. As for your accusation of attempted poisoning, the poison in question was the student’s own potion. Had he succeeded, no harm would have come to his precious pet. As for your advice on how to become more approachable, that is Dumbledore’s aim, not mine.

Dear Severus,

Okay, so almost every time I see you walk by, your robes are doing this really cool billowing thing. How do you do that? Is there a spell, do you practice it, or is it just natural talent?

Robe-Envy

P.S. If it’s a spell, can you teach me?

No.

Dear Severus,

Okay, we all know at this point that Longbottom is hopeless at Potions, and I do understand the desire to let him pass or more realistically, fail on his own merits. But it isn’t fair that everyone in the same classroom as him has to suffer for his skills. Is there any way you could permanently pair him with Granger? She seems to be able to at least keep him from blowing anything up and I’m really sick of ducking cauldron bits.

Longbottom Leery

Quite frankly, I am disinclined to enable Granger’s know-it-all behavior by giving her a permanent audience to show off to. Furthermore, to create such a pairing would allow Longbottom to pass my classes without any effort or talent, and I have no intention of rewarding his idiocy in such a manner. Perhaps you should just learn to sit farther off.

Dear Severus,

The number of times my team has gone out to the Quidditch field to practice and found the Slytherin team there instead is ridiculous. If we’ve already booked the field, you don’t just get to overrule that! Sure, you always have some excuse ready, but in reality, it’s just petty. If this happens one more time, I’m going straight to Professor Dumbledore.

Furious Flyer

I have only ever sought to ensure that my House team receives all the support and practice time it needs. Perhaps you have simply not been proactive enough in ensuring your presence on the field is uncontested. Or even more likely, you are attempting to schedule as many practices as possible in order to compensate for your lack of talent and thus overlap with the practices of my House.

Dear Severus,

If, hypothetically, someone wanted to create a new potion to, say, make someone turn into a canary, as an entirely random example, how would they go about testing that potion without blowing anything/one up? Again, this a completely random hypothetical question, more for academic and theoretical purposes than anything else.

Curious and Curiouser

I will make one thing perfectly clear: If I find anyone experimenting with such a ridiculous potion, I will ensure they spend every free minute they have scrubbing cauldrons so that they no longer have the energy or time to create such foolishness. Alternatively, upon discerning the composition of such a potion, I might feel inclined to alter it so that the transformation becomes permanent. Hypothetically, of course.