CC #425: Week of July 12, 2020

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Voldemort: “Down low!”
—Laura Lee

Lucius: “I see what you mean. Go to my girl. She does great manicures.”

Voldemort: “What do you see in my hand?”
Lucius: “Nothing.”
Voldemort: “It’s the reward you’re getting for how hard you searched for me.”

Voldemort: “Lucius, I’ve told you, no going on MuggleNet at this time during these meetings.”
Lucius: “But, I…”
Voldemort: “Your phone, please?”
Lucius: (sigh)

“Will you dance with me?”

Voldemort: “The time has finally come for us to use a weapon that will create chaos inside Hogwarts, distracting Dumbledore from our real plan (holds out hand). Lucius, hand me my old school diary.”
Lucius: “Oh, um, funny story… I already used it, and it got destroyed.”
Voldemort: “What?! But I entrusted it to you! Did you not understand that my plan was always to use it at this precise moment?”
Lucius: “Well, yeah, but at the time, I thought you were never coming back!”
Voldemort: (slaps Lucius with open hand)

When your teacher asks for your test paper, and you’re not done with it.

Malfoy: “My Lord, I cannot ‘beer you’ when we do not have any beer, regardless of how long you hold your hand there.”
Voldemort: “Are you a wizard or not? Magic will solve this.”
Malfoy: “You still have my wand.”
Voldemort: “A true wizard would not let such a simple thing stop him.”
Malfoy: “Yet you needed to borrow my wand?”
Voldemort: “‘Needed to’ and ‘felt like’ are unrelated concepts. Now, we’ll repeat this until you get it right. Lucius, beer me!”

Lucius: “I don’t know what it says, my Lord. I’m not a palm reader.”
Voldemort: (sighs) “Why do I even keep you around?”

Lucius: “Oh my God. A right hand. I lost my right hand fighting Peter Pan.”

Voldemort: “I know you took the last Oreo, Lucius. Give it up.”

Voldemort: “Do you trust me?”
Lucius: “Yes.” (takes Voldemort’s hand, and then they board a flying carpet)

“GIVE ME BACK MY CRAYONS!” Voldemort shrieked at the top of his lungs. “NAGINI WILL EAT YOU IF YOU DON’T GIVE ME BACK MY CRAYONS!”

Voldemort: “I told you I could get Severus to sing ‘I’m a Little Teacup.’ Now pay up.”
—Mr. E.

Lucius: (zones out)
Voldemort: (goes to shake his hand)
Lucius: “Uhhh…”
—Lilly C.

Voldemort: “He needs your support, Lucius.”
Lucius: “NO! I’m not voting for Kanye West.”

Voldemort: “I told you, Mr. Malfoy, no phones in secret Death Eater meetings. Give it here.”

Voldemort: “Give me my nose back, Lucius. The game isn’t funny anymore. You know I am a big foodie. I need it to taste all the salt your wife puts in the roast.”
—Eric (staff)





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Eric S.

Eric Scull joined MuggleNet in November of 2002. Since that time, he’s presided over a number of sections, including name origins and Dear Hogwarts, but none so long as the recently revived Crazy Caption Contest. Eric is a Hufflepuff who lives in Chicago and loves the outdoors.