CC #425: Week of July 12, 2020

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Voldemort: “Down low!”
—Laura Lee

Lucius: “I see what you mean. Go to my girl. She does great manicures.”

Voldemort: “What do you see in my hand?”
Lucius: “Nothing.”
Voldemort: “It’s the reward you’re getting for how hard you searched for me.”

Voldemort: “Lucius, I’ve told you, no going on MuggleNet at this time during these meetings.”
Lucius: “But, I…”
Voldemort: “Your phone, please?”
Lucius: (sigh)

“Will you dance with me?”

Voldemort: “The time has finally come for us to use a weapon that will create chaos inside Hogwarts, distracting Dumbledore from our real plan (holds out hand). Lucius, hand me my old school diary.”
Lucius: “Oh, um, funny story… I already used it, and it got destroyed.”
Voldemort: “What?! But I entrusted it to you! Did you not understand that my plan was always to use it at this precise moment?”
Lucius: “Well, yeah, but at the time, I thought you were never coming back!”
Voldemort: (slaps Lucius with open hand)

When your teacher asks for your test paper, and you’re not done with it.

Malfoy: “My Lord, I cannot ‘beer you’ when we do not have any beer, regardless of how long you hold your hand there.”
Voldemort: “Are you a wizard or not? Magic will solve this.”
Malfoy: “You still have my wand.”
Voldemort: “A true wizard would not let such a simple thing stop him.”
Malfoy: “Yet you needed to borrow my wand?”
Voldemort: “‘Needed to’ and ‘felt like’ are unrelated concepts. Now, we’ll repeat this until you get it right. Lucius, beer me!”

Lucius: “I don’t know what it says, my Lord. I’m not a palm reader.”
Voldemort: (sighs) “Why do I even keep you around?”

Lucius: “Oh my God. A right hand. I lost my right hand fighting Peter Pan.”

Voldemort: “I know you took the last Oreo, Lucius. Give it up.”

Voldemort: “Do you trust me?”
Lucius: “Yes.” (takes Voldemort’s hand, and then they board a flying carpet)

“GIVE ME BACK MY CRAYONS!” Voldemort shrieked at the top of his lungs. “NAGINI WILL EAT YOU IF YOU DON’T GIVE ME BACK MY CRAYONS!”

Voldemort: “I told you I could get Severus to sing ‘I’m a Little Teacup.’ Now pay up.”
—Mr. E.

Lucius: (zones out)
Voldemort: (goes to shake his hand)
Lucius: “Uhhh…”
—Lilly C.

Voldemort: “He needs your support, Lucius.”
Lucius: “NO! I’m not voting for Kanye West.”

Voldemort: “I told you, Mr. Malfoy, no phones in secret Death Eater meetings. Give it here.”

Voldemort: “Give me my nose back, Lucius. The game isn’t funny anymore. You know I am a big foodie. I need it to taste all the salt your wife puts in the roast.”
—Eric (staff)






Eric S.

Eric Scull joined MuggleNet in November of 2002. Since that time, he’s presided over a number of sections, including name origins and Dear Hogwarts, but none so long as the recently revived Crazy Caption Contest. Eric is a Hufflepuff who lives in Chicago and loves the outdoors.