Week of March 27, 2005
Snape: THOSE aren’t my clothes!
Kirk: …And this isn’t Burger King. Beam us up, Scotty.
‘Bones… I’m reading… high… levels… of teenage hormones!’
Harry realized with a growing sense of dread that Hogwarts had once again been invaded by a rival franchise.
Kirk: ‘I knew we should have turned left at Albuquerque.’
Ron: ‘When did the new uniforms come in? I want one!’
Kirk: Sulu… I want you… to find out… what’s… blocking my scanner…
Harry: *Whispers* Alright, who cast the Hesitation spell?
Dr. McCoy: You see, Jim, this is what happens when you put a budget on the transport repairs. JK Rowling is going to be furious.
‘According to these readings, we’ve just arrived on Earth in a fantasy story called Harry Potter,’ Kirk spoke.
‘But Jim, I’m a doctor, not a wizard!‘ McCoy said outraged.
‘If we go to Warp Factor 9, then we might manage the Thursday/Friday deadline and still get this in while it’s still March!’
McCoy: It’s Hogwarts, Jim, but not as we know it.
Kirk: Beam us up, Scotty!
Hermione: When are they going to read ‘Hogwarts: A History’?! Everyone knows you can’t beam up from inside the grounds!
‘Scotty, about those new ‘Portkeys’ you wanted us to invest in…’
Star Trek XIX: The Search for the Half-Blood Prince:
In a ground-breaking decision, Gene Roddenberry sends the crew back in time to 20th Century Britain instead of 20th Century America, where they encounter a fandom that spawned a bigger geek following than their own.
Harry: Ron, I think those first two guys only have three legs altogether!
Ron: What do you want me to do about it? I’m a wizard, not a doctor!
Harry: Ron, look! It’s Captain Kirk and Doctor McCoy!
Ron: They must be our new Defense Against Klingons and Romulans teachers.
McCoy: He’s dead, Jim.
McCoy: Sirius Black.
Kirk: Curse you! I hadn’t finished Book Five yet!
Harry: I hate it when people make crossover fanfics! It’s almost like someone just continually Copy/Pastes stuff into our universe! Ruddy authors!
Kirk: Bones, my Tricorder is detecting numerous small creatures with pointy ears like Spock!
Dr. McCoy: Well, Jim, try to reach him on your Communicator!
Kirk: Kirk to Spock, Spock, do you read me?
Spock: All is well, Captain, the house elves are teaching me how to make Spotted Dick.
Sulu: Oh, noooo…
Kirk: Doctor, it appears we have finally pinpointed the original beam-up location of those strange black robes…
Harry: I thought you told Errol to mail your card to enter for the prize, not to go get the Enterprise!
Ron: Bloody bird…
Even with the throw-back costumes from Star Trek, William Shatner could not get the sequel to Invasion Iowa, Invasion Hogwarts, to become popular.
Harry: Okay, Ron, let’s grab them and change into their clothes. I can be Kirk, you can be Bones, and Hermione can be Sulu.
Ron: This isn’t going to end well – Hermione’s been practicing her Spock impersonation for years!
Harry: Ron, it could be worse. At least it isn’t Frodo, Gandalf, and Aragorn.
Ron: Give them time – there’s years of Maniacal Marches ahead and no one to hear us scream…
Kirk: Enterprise, three to beam up.
Scotty: Aren’t there four of you?
Kirk: I’m afraid our red-shirted friend won’t be returning. He tried to pick up what he thought was a large Tribble. It actually turned out to be something called a Hairy MacBoon. Bones couldn’t help him.
Bones: Damnit, Jim, I’m a doctor – not an executioner for the Committee for the Disposal of Dangerous Creatures!
Harry expected that McGonagall had transfigured more than just chess pieces, but nothing could have prepared him for stumbling across her stash of action figures, and realizing the terrible truth that their Transfiguration teacher was, indeed, a Trekkie.
Harry: Just think, Ron. This is the last weird experience in March we’ll ever have to endure this year.
Ron: I’m not so sure, Harry. Eric might come up with an Atomic April…
Harry: They look strange, don’t they?
Ron: Like some extra-concentrated ghosts or something…
Harry: I was talking about the bellbottoms.
Harry: ‘Um, since when is it Parents’ Day for the Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs?’
Our mission… to boldly go where no Muggle has gone before…